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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Siren
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Don
Posted: November 19th, 2017, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Siren by Robert Braverman - Short, Sci Fi - A space siren changes her evil ways after understanding the consequences of her narcissistic actions. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Marty
Posted: November 19th, 2017, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



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Robert,

At first I thought this was a treatment.

Just a few suggestions and opinions for you.

I would suggest that you look at a few screenplays to get the idea of formatting down first.

A lot of readers will not even give you a chance if they open up your screenplay to see it is not properly formatted. So I fear you will not get the reads you are looking for and the feedback you desire.

FADE IN:
FADE OUT:
Sluglines:
Action lines.
Characters.
Dialogue.

The scene numbers should be eliminated.

A screenplay needs Slugline/Scene Headers for locations.

Characters need to be introduced on page and a little description about them would also be helpful to the reader.

There was a speaking character named SHIP TWO.
I wasn't sure if the ship itself was speaking or if it was a commander of it.

A parenthetical falls between the character and the dialogue on a separate line.

I hope some of this helps.

Again, check out some screenplays for proper format and then resubmit it.
This could be a cool story.

You can do this. Never stop writing. Never stop being creative.

Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty
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