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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Amadeo Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2018, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Amadeo - A.P. Giannini & the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake by Wayne Milford Assam - Drama, Biopic - Saved from suicide by a Sikh, a banker of the present time finds inspiration and redemption in the life of a banker from the past: Amadeo Giannini, legendary founder of Bank of America, and hero of the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake. 118 pages

treatment - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 7th, 2019, 9:01am
revised draft
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Marty
Posted: January 2nd, 2018, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Wayne,

Some of your sluglines read like action lines. They are too long. Also, watch your structure. Primary location first. Secondary second.

Example:
EXT. - FRONT ENTRANCE - RUSHMAN GOLDFIELD BANK - FINANCIAL
DISTRICT - SAN FRANCISCO - NIGHT - THE PRESENT
-could become
EXT. FINANCIAL DISTRICT - SAN FRANCISCO - NIGHT
Action/descriptions to show we are in the present.
EXT. - RUSHMAN GOLDFIELD BANK - FRONT GATE - NIGHT
Action

All the best,
Marty
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CrackedAces
Posted: January 4th, 2018, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Much of the SCENE HEADING could be incorporated in the ACTION. Also don't repeat in the ACTION what is in the HEADING.  The back is mentioned in both places, this is redundant.

THE PRESENT is unnecessary in the HEADING  unless you are returning from the past or future.

My preference would be mixing the description into the action. For example, you wrote:

LUIGI GIANNINI (28, tall, handsome, blue-eyed,
broad-shouldered, handlebar mustache). As he walks, LUIGI
takes his napkin out from under his chin. Wiping his hands
and mouth, he stains the napkin with red pasta sauce.

I would write it something like:

Twenty-eight year old, tall, and handsome LUIGI GIANNINI walks and takes his napkin and wipe his hands and mouth. He stains the napkin and his handlebar mustache with red pasta sauce.

Or something like that. Wherever you can introduce descriptions within the action. This is NOT alway practical though.  You must decide and how to work it into the ACTION paragraphs.

I panic over "ING" words especially when an "IS" is in the same sentence. For example you wrote:

GENE is peering out through the glass doors: the street is
deserted.

I would suggest:

GENE peers through the glass doors at the deserted street.

DUMPING the "IS" and "INGs" gives the sentence more strength.

Of course, it will NOT be practical to dump all the INGs.  But try to dump some or more.

I am on page four and the many SUPER DUPER SCENE HEADINGs thus far is causing my teeth to grind and my heart to flutter. Will I be alive at page 10?

Pg 4.  "ROLL CREDITS."  I am about to call 911.  NOT ever on a spec script.  SHOOTING script - YES.

Wayne, you have a STORY developing here. I recommend a re-write and try the suggestions I gave.  There are a few ADVERBs I would dump as they weaken sentences. Look for those words with that ugly "ly" tail and rewrite many of them out.  

Good luck Wayne.

Steve





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