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The Beast Within (was Beasts) by Oscar Moreno - Horror, Thriller - A teenage girl and her younger brother must escape their house after being locked in by their father, who claims that they're being hunted by werewolves. 88 pages - pdf format
OK. I had a quick scan. I will report back this weekend in more depth, I'm at dinner with friends just now.
But based on quick look:
This will get picked up for production, without a doubt.
It's perfect for filmmakers. One, easy, cinematic location, strong genre, with the potential to be be a very strong film. It has all the elements.. The Beast inside us, the mystery of whether there is an animal or not, or whether the father is the killer. Also a strong Pov...seeing it from the kids angle, which makes us feel more vulnerable.
The question is WHO will pick it up. In its current state, it will probably be an independent producer, who may or may not have the ability to make the changes needed to really make it fly or to produce it to the required quality.
Your story has the potential to go further than that, but will require some work.
Like, I say, I'll report back as soon as I can in more depth. I've got human concerns to deal with tonight.
Your writing was pretty well-written, very visual. I enjoyed the commentary, too. However, I feel it was maybe too descriptive in the sense that you were telling more than showing us. You describe the characters in ways that the camera can't show unless your characters do actions or say things that describe their characteristics/personality. Which, you did, in my opinion. You include a lot of "fluff" in the descriptions that probably shouldn't be there. Script descriptions should be short, sweet, and to the point. Only describe things in detail when they matter to the shot. I was expecting some of the "fluff" to be referenced later in the story, but it never came back up.
The characters were well-rounded. They each had their own "voice" and stood out from one another. Victor was the estranged father after the loss of his wife, who was an eclectic woman that traveled and collected; the older, tougher sister who won't take shit from anybody but loves her family and friends, and protective of her younger brother who is quiet, timid, and introverted. Paul was a sorta interesting character as well. He got especially interesting at the end (which, suffice to say, I saw coming, unfortunately). I will say Sara said "Oh God" a lot, ha ha.
I don't know the lore about werewolves really, I just know that they transform during a full moon, and get killed by silver bullets. But these werewolves didn't die from silver bullets (except maybe Paul's gun?? ) and they died from just very severe injuries. I thought that they could heal themselves back to health, like, super quick but I might be wrong. But either way, I found the end to be entertaining enough.
I honestly wanted it to stop at page 72, and go in a different direction. From the beginning up until that point, it felt very "10 Cloverfield Lane" because you're wondering the whole time, are there werewolves, or is Victor just a man crazed by the loss of his wife. Or both. That's why he kills off the George and Elizabeth, because he truly believes that they're werewolves, when really he was the werewolf all along. It would've been really great (in my opinion) if it was just Victor as the werewolf, and he had a standoff with his children. And then in the end, Paul comes in and saves the day, and truly believes now that it was a werewolf that killed Ana. That's my fantasy alternate ending at least. Would have to explain why just now Victor would be turning into a werewolf, but whatevz. This script was a good psychological thriller up until the final action sequence, but I still enjoyed how you ended it. Gives those werewolf fans a good final, bloody scene for them to enjoy.
If there's anything else that I didn't touch on that you have questions about, let me know!
Hey Zombie Sean, thank you for your kind words and feedback. An early draft did have an ending similar to the one you're describing but we opted for the current one because we felt it juiced out the story more and connected everything better. Still something to think about, though, along with the rest of your feedback. Thanks again! Please let me know if you ever need me to return the favor.
An early draft did have an ending similar to the one you're describing but we opted for the current one because we felt it juiced out the story more and connected everything better. Still something to think about, though
It's just me, but I think that that would be the better route. Sure, there wouldn't be as much werewolf action as one would hope, but I think it would be a better ending than an action-packed one with multiple werewolves. But, like I said, I still liked how you ended it. It was gory, which I liked, and a fight scene to the death.
Do you by chance have a copy of that earlier draft with the similar ending? I'd like to read it and see how you handled it.
Thanks again! Please let me know if you ever need me to return the favor.
If you could return the feedback with my script "Where The Bad Kids Go" (In my signature) that would be awesome!
I actually do have a copy but it was written pretty haphazardly. Mostly because it was a very rough translation of the first draft that was written in Spanish and one where I just took out a lot of things that weren't working well for me and didn't really bother to revise it until this draft where it changed enormously with the help of my writing partners. If you're still interested, I could send it to you. And for sure, I'll read "Where the Bad Kids Go"!