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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  The Tenacious Willie O'Ree - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The Tenacious Willie O'Ree - WT  (currently 1195 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Tenacious Willie O'Ree by Gordie Howe Hat-Trick - Short, Drama, Sports - The first black NHL player fights for acceptance. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad

I might have placed this (SUPER wise) a few years back.

Those who are not familiar with hockey may have a hard time visualizing some of the action.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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hawkeye
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Obviously a hockey fan at work here. While the writing is deft, Iím not really drawn to the story. Felt more like a sports report than a story to me. Still good writing on display here.

Best,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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HyperMatt
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quite a full story for one page. Not really a sports film fan, but I think the shortness helped. Well written, well done.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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I'm only vaguely aware of ice hockey and was wary when the script started with a camera move.

I struggled to follow the action but did get the theme, which was laudable.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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jayrex
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad, decent story overall.  


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PKCardinal
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Big hockey fan here. Description was well written. I followed the action easily.

Felt the "five seconds" line was bit on the nose. The script had already done the work.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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JEStaats
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Well... it's a great narrative but I'm not sure how well this would translate to the screen. How would you film five seconds of acceptance? Unless there's commentary, I think it would fall flat.
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ScottM
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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This is less of a story and more of a transcript of sports commentary. Didnít work for me.

Did you not FADE IN or OUT to meet the page requirement?


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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ajr
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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What a dummy, I voted without posting my comment and then it disappeared.

Huge hockey fan here. Played into my late 20s, and never miss a game on TV.

Willie O'Ree was hockey's Jackie Robinson. Glad to see him get theatrical treatment here.

This was brave, writing about hockey. I know people are probably going to mark you down for it.  And the last line does editorialize instead of show.

The on-ice action is written competently, and the racism is shown subtly yet starkly. If you had more than one page, you could have dialed in on the irony of Willie being ostracized one minute and then celebrated the next. But not going to penalize you because you wrote under the restrictions.

Nice job!


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Stumpzian
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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I wrote about fishing in the last round; glad to see someone else try a sports script. I don't follow hockey, but the script makes the action vivid enough. I followed it all. Thanks for introducing us to Willie. You captured his situation, and the overall scene, very well. I was a sports writer at one time and appreciate the skill you display.



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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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The Tenacious Willie O'Ree

I like this one a lot. Great delivery, it felt as if I were live in the hockey rink. It also has its historical importance if I understand it correct. The emotional dramatic beats in the set-up were also well-placed and felt profound. Truly a great delivery of action and motion. Therefore I must give it a
5


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves††(8p - psychological horror)

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Warren
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know the player and I don't know the game. Ice hockey isn't much of a thing here is Oz so this on is lost on me.

The heart of the story is the minority having his day. I'm a bit over these kinds of stories, even though they are socially relevant. We all get it, racism is bad.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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StevenClark
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 6:33am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Pretty good! Great job of giving us the feeling of being on the ice. Saw every action as you described it. Not a complete story (hard to do) but entertaining nevertheless.

Steve


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ajr
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
I'm a bit over these kinds of stories, even though they are socially relevant. We all get it, racism is bad.


I think you're missing the point, Warren. Not everyone knows racism is bad.

The 62MM people in the U.S. who voted for a President who was federally indicted for refusing to rent apartments to Blacks, and who called neo-Nazis "some very fine people" don't know racism is bad.

The former skinheads who grew their hair out and became police officers and who are now shooting unarmed Black youths 8 times in the back don't know racism is bad.

Those who support mass deportations of immigrants while not understanding how financially difficult we make it to become a citizen - while the California produce crops rot, btw, because the 'immigrants taking less money for jobs that Americans are willing to do' is bs - don't know racism is bad.

Yes, we all "know" racism is bad. So is rape. Or human trafficking. Or cheating on your partner. So where are the stories we're still allowed to tell?

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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