Unreliable Witness by 0 - Short, Thriller - Strangers, held hostage in their captor's car, work to discover why. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Second read in.

Four total characters - 4, spot on.

Page length divisible by four: 4, 8, 12, etc - 8, no issues there.

They must be confined to an automobile (no part of the script takes place outside of an automobile) - Same as the other script I read, in the sense that you see some stuff through the windows, perfectly fine by me.

Can only be of the Horror, Thriller, Drama or Mystery genres - I can see that the situation should be thrilling, so it gets a pass. I wouldn't actually say that I did find it thrilling though at any point.

Story Notes:       WITH POTENTIAL SPOILERS!!!

Quoted Text Two MEN, unconscious. Handcuffed together, driver’s right arm to passenger’s left. Their joined wrists rest against the roof of the car, held in place by an invisible force.

I am a little bit confused by this image. I'm not 100% sure I know what I'm meant to be seeing.

Just came back to this, notes as I read, I think they're upside down? Okay, maybe a magnet. I'll come back to this at the end. And it was a magnet

Quoted Text soft, rich look.

I don't understand what kind of look this is.

Quoted Text JESSE I’m Jesse. The man that’s gonna beat your ass, you don’t treat me with respect.

The dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural.

I've read on a bit further and the dialogue really needs to be tidied up, it's very wooden.

I'm mid-way through page 4 and it's starting to feel a bit like a Saw scenario. They're trapped, don't know how or why and there's a message for them to follow.

All the THUMPing is a bit much.

Quoted Text #METOO

Oh no.

Done. So yes, very much a Saw setup, everyone's linked by an injustice they performed and they pay the price. Just unlike Saw they have no means of redemption.

It was okay, just okay.

Code JESSE, male, 28, sits upright, unconscious, in the back seat of an old rust bucket of a car.

ON the back seat, IN a car. How can he be sitting IN the seat? He's also sitting, so naturally upright. This is your very first sentence, it's not a good idea to have it read like shit.

Code Beat up by life, he’s in particularly bad shape right now.

This is your second sentence and things aren't getting any better. Telling us he is in bad shape is not visual storytelling.

Not one for me.

I can see what the writer was going for and it's laudable. However the mystery was better than the payoff. Requires a pretty good amount of suspension of belief. She's abused by three men - boyfriend (or date), boss, and her father - and then not believed by a detective - and then suddenly turns superhuman in that she's able to trap all of them in the same car, render them helpless, and rig a junkyard so that they can suffer and have a perilous death...

The voice of her father, in the end, got a chuckle out of me - not sure it's what you want.

Overall, it's a pretty good story. I liked the fact you have an explanation for each to be in that car. And I like that they are in the car for a definite purpose.
Don't know how she did it though. YOu're asking a bit much here from a reader. Too much suspension of disbelief I guess. Maybe she got superpowers. She could have a letter of explanation for them to read that, in turn, would tell us how she did it as well.

I’ve read the script. Will provide my comments after voting has closed.

0

I liked this one, gave me a few laughs.

Yeah some of the dialogue is a little ripe, the scenario requires serious suspension (yep) of belief (I guess the implication is she drugged them...or maybe she had help. Who knows, I don't think its that important) but it kept me hooked and had a killer last line.

Jesse's impaired speech, which was a great touch by the way, seems to disappear after the first couple of lines. It would've been good for comedy's sake to have kept it up consistently throughout.

Reminded me a lot of the first story in the Argentine anthology film "Wild Tales". I wondered was that an influence.

Good job.

Col.

I agree with the others.  This pushed my suspension of disbelief too far.  

Decent story, but unlike Saw, I didn't buy into it.

Dan

3 out of 5

As Jesse might put it: "Thit, that was awesome."

So many questions left unanswered but who cares. I loved Carly's final message of #metoo - very timely. The whole thing is so ridiculous and unbelievable, I couldn't help but to have fun while reading it. I really enjoyed this one. Good job writer!

Quoted from JEStaats I loved Carly's final message of #metoo - very timely.

That's the Pokemon with the purple tail, right?



I actually had less of a problem with the serial victim Carly getting all these people in the car, just wondered why the gun was left in there. If it was in a tamper-resistant holster then it would still be holstered, and if it wasn't then she should have removed it entirely.

I'm not thure Jethee thould have even reconithed Carly's name. Maybe a picthure thtuck in the thunvithor?

Nice touch that the cross wasn't real (magnets pull real silver very weakly and don't pull real gold at all), might be making a statement about the deterctive's shallow commitment to justice. Or I'm just overthinking a neat visual.

"Beat up by life, he’s in particularly bad shape right now." Cut this line.

An invisible force?

Why is everything pinned to the roof? They upside down? Or are they taped/glue/stapled to it? Oh a magnet. Unique idea. Ok, I like it now.

JESSE
I’m Jesse. The man that’s gonna
beat your ass, you don’t treat me
with respect.


Bloody and woken up in a car of strangers, I doubt this is a proper greeting.

A cool setup with the men in a car attached to a giant magnet. But that's about it. The dialogue is not great and not much seems to happen afterwards. I got lost halfway through and ended up skimming. Sorry.

Great set up.

There are elements of this that I liked but the dialogue seems a little off and stilted in places... liked the 'I'm your father line'

Decent effort.

I like the concept but it's tough going early on. Descriptions not very efficient, not visual enough. With a re-write, I think this could be good. I liked the last line. You just gotta pull us in right from the start and never let go. And I don't mean have them physically at each others throats right away. Build your characters, four distinct voices, then conflict boils over... only it's too late for them.

Writer,

Not bad at all, just didn’t blow me away. Think you could’ve lost the #metoo hashtag, but that’s just me. Thought a lot more bickering could have gone on between the men to give this a little more urgency and tension. As is, there’s just not enough for a thriller. However, once I realized exactly what their predicament was, it did add a certain amount of peril, and I thought that was good.

Steve

It's okay, plays by the rules.  The setting was good.  Quite topical throwing in the movement too.  I'd vote for this one.