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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Cocaine
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Don
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cocaine by Simon Parker - Short, Comedy - A nervous boy at a party is offered drugs for the first time in his life, but too much of a good thing might not be so great. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon,


Quoted Text
Lots of people dancing, loud music playing


Need to capitalise introductions of all characters seen on screen. Itís also quite passive. Maybe try:

PEOPLE dance as loud music fills the room, or something like that.


Quoted Text
Tommy loses all control of his tongue.
TOMMY
Fuck evolution Iím standing next
to god.


I donít understand what you mean by this if he is able to speak perfectly fine in the very next block of dialogue.


Quoted Text
Frank takes one more hit, his jaw becomes tightly shut.
FRANK (CONTíD)
If you keep on saying no youíll
never see the truth.


Same issue as the last.

The comedy of this was lost on me. It would be quite visually disturbing on screen. Also the effects of the cocaine are a little overboard, maybe thatís for comedic effect, but the outcome doesnít hit the mark for me.

All the best.



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Dustin
Posted: May 7th, 2018, 1:51am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

At a table in the far corner FRANK, 22, short, fat and
TOMMY,



Short, fat and Tommy is a funny description.

I get the over the top reactions to the coke are deliberate as you've essentially fast-forwarded an addict's life into one night. Not sure about the hair falling out though, never seen that one before.

The ending, albeit predictable, is probably the only ending you can have.

That said, this strikes me as a high school script. the kind of thing a kid would show to their classmates during a drug awareness thing at school. I also think the reactions should be better researched. This would also be better animated as it would be easier to show the downward spiral of the characters.

Good luck.


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AustinT
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 1:58am Report to Moderator
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Howdy!

I think the imagery in the script could be punched up and leave more of an impact on the reader. You can also use the imagery in your action blocks to inform the shift in tone.

Good luck!
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