Cocaine by Simon Parker - Short, Comedy - A nervous boy at a party is offered drugs for the first time in his life, but too much of a good thing might not be so great. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Simon,

Quoted Text Lots of people dancing, loud music playing

Need to capitalise introductions of all characters seen on screen. It’s also quite passive. Maybe try:

PEOPLE dance as loud music fills the room, or something like that.

Quoted Text Tommy loses all control of his tongue. TOMMY Fuck evolution I’m standing next to god.

I don’t understand what you mean by this if he is able to speak perfectly fine in the very next block of dialogue.

Quoted Text Frank takes one more hit, his jaw becomes tightly shut. FRANK (CONT’D) If you keep on saying no you’ll never see the truth.

Same issue as the last.

The comedy of this was lost on me. It would be quite visually disturbing on screen. Also the effects of the cocaine are a little overboard, maybe that’s for comedic effect, but the outcome doesn’t hit the mark for me.

All the best.

Code At a table in the far corner FRANK, 22, short, fat and TOMMY,

Short, fat and Tommy is a funny description.

I get the over the top reactions to the coke are deliberate as you've essentially fast-forwarded an addict's life into one night. Not sure about the hair falling out though, never seen that one before.

The ending, albeit predictable, is probably the only ending you can have.

That said, this strikes me as a high school script. the kind of thing a kid would show to their classmates during a drug awareness thing at school. I also think the reactions should be better researched. This would also be better animated as it would be easier to show the downward spiral of the characters.

Good luck.

Howdy!

I think the imagery in the script could be punched up and leave more of an impact on the reader. You can also use the imagery in your action blocks to inform the shift in tone.

Good luck!