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Need to capitalise introductions of all characters seen on screen. Itís also quite passive. Maybe try:
PEOPLE dance as loud music fills the room, or something like that.
Tommy loses all control of his tongue. TOMMY Fuck evolution Iím standing next to god.
I donít understand what you mean by this if he is able to speak perfectly fine in the very next block of dialogue.
Frank takes one more hit, his jaw becomes tightly shut. FRANK (CONTíD) If you keep on saying no youíll never see the truth.
Same issue as the last.
The comedy of this was lost on me. It would be quite visually disturbing on screen. Also the effects of the cocaine are a little overboard, maybe thatís for comedic effect, but the outcome doesnít hit the mark for me.
At a table in the far corner FRANK, 22, short, fat and
Short, fat and Tommy is a funny description.
I get the over the top reactions to the coke are deliberate as you've essentially fast-forwarded an addict's life into one night. Not sure about the hair falling out though, never seen that one before.
The ending, albeit predictable, is probably the only ending you can have.
That said, this strikes me as a high school script. the kind of thing a kid would show to their classmates during a drug awareness thing at school. I also think the reactions should be better researched. This would also be better animated as it would be easier to show the downward spiral of the characters.