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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Bring Back
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  Author    Bring Back  (currently 230 views)
Don
Posted: August 26th, 2018, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bring Back by Simon Parker - Short, Drama, Horror - A man kidnaps a member from every faith, convinced that whoever has the true religion will be able to bring his dead wife back to life. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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DanielW
Posted: August 26th, 2018, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Simon,

I didnít mind this one, considering the topic.

Maybe Iím bias because of my (lack of) beliefs.


Daniel
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Dustin
Posted: August 27th, 2018, 4:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

 dressed in his robes



wearing a robe. Dressed in his robes reads awkwardly and implies that he's wearing more than one. Ther's also a missing comma after 'robe(s)'

Code

MATTHEW, 40, stands in the open doorway to the house.
Dressed in sweatpants and a loose T-shirt.



More awkwardness. What other open doorway could it be if not to the house? It goes without saying. The second sentence should not be a standalone, it should run onto the other sentence in some way, like so:

In sweatpants and a loose T-shirt, Matthew (40), stands in
the open doorway.

Personally though, I'd drop the open doorway thing altogether and have him simply standing outside the door, or perhaps in/on the porch - depending on the design.

Code

James stops in front of him. Brings the bible around to in
front of him.



Very messy. In front of him x 2.

Right... so, I see this is Matthew's house. Initially, when I read of James in his robe, I assumed he was wearing a night robe of some sort and that he was the one answering the front door. I see now it's some type of poorly described religious attire. If the slug wasn't there, I'd have no idea who was the owner of the house and who was the visitor from your description.

Code

James breathes it in and instantly his eyes roll into the
back of his head and he collapses to the ground in a heap.



In a heap of what? Why can't he simply collapse?

Right, well, clearly there's a lot of work needed here in terms of the writing. I'll plough through to the end.

To dig up a dead body: Exhume.


Most religions are the same, they believe in one god, which is the same god. The Quran is merely the final testament. Allah is not a different god to the Christian god, it is the same one.

So, what is there here? What does this story do for me? The slug asks an idiotic question and, despite the correct answer being delivered at the end, I still find the story unsatisfying. There was an issue at the start of the story that remains at the end.

In fact, the log promises that a follower from every faith is kidnapped... yet we have a Christian, a Jehova's Witness (why?), a Hindu and a Muslim. That's it. Where's the Sikh? You do know there's a difference between Hindus and Sikhs? I think that's my issue with this, the subject matter demand some intelligence, but the execution is lacking.



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