Was It Worth It by Marcus "BOZ" Walton - Short, Thriller - In order to walk away with your life intact sometimes you have to play the game even if it cost a life. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Marcus,

I read your script a couple of hours ago. I think it's interesting and has the potential to be very cool. I think you write both action and dialogue very well(Though, the dialogue has some issues with run-on sentences.). I think the biggest problem with this short can be summed up in a word: Backstory. We don't know enough about the players involved in order to really care about what matters. Who is Demetrius Thruman, and how is he so-connected? What crime did he commit? How did the judge and his family move out of state so quickly?

If you have all of that backstory, I'd consider making your short longer to address those issues.

Also, as far as the home invasion scene, I'd think about re-working it. Instead of having a back-and forth between the masked men and the judge, you could do it like this: He sees his son at the door, roughed up, and opens it. At that point the men force their way inside the house.

Also, there are some structural issues that need to be sharped. First off, open your script with FADE IN:, and end it with FADE OUT.

One last thing, in the court room scene, masked men entered and scarred Thruman and his kid. That seemed a little forced, and I don't know if masked men would act like that in a court room.

These are just some things to think about. I liked your story, and it has potential. Hope this feedback helps.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. I was wondering if you  could give me some feedback on a short I wrote. It'a called Inescapable. It's under Sci-fi/shorts. It's a sci-fi/horror film influenced by The Terminator. Thanks.