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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Mr Repent
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Don
Posted: November 2nd, 2018, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mr Repent by Matthew Taylor - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A troubled man must deliver on what he promised if he is to save what matters most to him. 8 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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JakeJon
Posted: November 8th, 2018, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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All the T's crossed and the I's dotted. Nicely done.  Screenplay police will be proud.

Loved your description of MR. WATKINS and DEMON. Not so much,  MR. REPENT (50) leathery, wrinkled skin, rancher-esque attire?   An old, dried up cowboy?
I had a hard time picturing shouts echoing from the "boot".  In the US it's a "trunk".  Just an unimportant, nit of course from across the Atlantic.

I'm certain you put much thought into your story and it resulted in a satisfying "oh Yeah" ending.   But, all the important expositionary (is this a word?) questions are answered or related through  FLASHBACKS.
Copping out maybe?  Toto pulls the curtain aside and the Wizard is revealed.

Pg. 2 wan't  (want)
Pg. 3 step's  (steps)
Pg. 6 Mr repent. (Repent)

Good stuff.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 8th, 2018, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey. Thanks for the read, much appreciated.

Yea you are correct on Mr Repent - not entirely sure what I was going for to be honest - Guess I want him to be the rough and ready bounty hunter type

Reading back through it, I found some of my own action clunky, will address that and the above in a rewrite

It will always be a boot to me lol

I tried to do it so it wasn't an ordinary flashback (Just for audience), but through the use of Mr Repents powers (for lack of a better word), he puts his hand on the guys head which makes them both see the flashback - so both characters and audience are witnessing it - whether or not I succeeded, no idea

At the moment, I can't think of a better way to do it other than just through Dialogue. Hopefully it doesn't damage the story too much

Thanks for pointing out the errors, will get those addressed.

Anything else of yours that you would like a pair of eyes on, let me know

Thanks again for the feedback

Matt



Revision History (1 edits)
Matthew Taylor  -  November 9th, 2018, 6:11am
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eldave1
Posted: November 9th, 2018, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
MR REPENT
(Singing Softly)
How sweet the sound, that saved a
wretch like me


Need a period at the end. Same for the lyrics that follow.

It should either be Mr. (with a period) or Mister Repent. This problem throughout.


Quoted Text
Mr repent rolls him onto his back.


R needs to be CAP


Quoted Text

Mr Repent presses his hand over Mr Watkins mouth


Need a period at the end of the sentence. Anyway - going to stop with the typos. There's just too many to deal with. There are several on every page, most notably missing periods. You need to take another whack at this from that perspective.

Here:


Quoted Text
INT. MR REPENT'S CAR - DUSK


I might go with:

INT/EXT. MR REPENT'S CAR - RURAL ROAD (TRAVELLING) - DUSK


Quoted Text
Mr Repent steers the car through the country lanes. Shouts
echo from the boot. Mr Repent turns up the radio to drown
them out.


Break up the action blocks to reflect how the eyes see it. For the above:

Mr Repent steers the car through the country lanes.

Shouts echo from the boot.

Mr Repent turns up the radio to drown them out.

Not sure I would call this Sci-fi.

In terms of the story:

Loved it. Brilliant premise. My only criticism would be as to why Mister Repent is so sarcastic/smart assy. To me it would be more on point if this task was a burden to him. It seems like more of a joyful hobby.

Loved the twist at the end.

Anyway - story wise a ton to like. But you really need to clean it up.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 10th, 2018, 5:33am Report to Moderator
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Hi Eldave - Thank you very much for taking a look at this


Quoted Text
It should either be Mr. (with a period) or Mister Repent. This problem throughout.


This isn't a problem. Here is Britain we generally do not use periods after Mr/Mrs/Dr etc.

For some reason, I had it in my head that you don't need periods at the end of dialogue, don't know where I got that from, but I'll have to go through and add them.


Quoted Text
INT/EXT. MR REPENT'S CAR - RURAL ROAD (TRAVELLING) - DUSK


That seems way too busy to me. I am keeping just the INT. since this is where we are, there are no shots from outside.

Suppose I could just have INT. MR REPENT'S CAR - TRAVELLING - DUSK. then omit the part in the action about being on a country lane - already established they are out in the country earlier.

I didn't call this a Sci-Fi, I call it fantasy but on this site they are lumped together.

Glad you liked the story - Mr Repent does enjoy it to an extent, as in his head he is doing a good deed, but also, he has been doing so long he is kinda numb to it. It is also a burden of course, as he can't stop without consequences - That's what I was going for anyway.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment - much appreciated.

Matt


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eldave1
Posted: November 10th, 2018, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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No problem - it was an interesting tale

Best of luck





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Kirsten
Posted: November 11th, 2018, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Matt,

Loved the story, nice one! Well structured, original, very clever! Other than the descriptions needing some work, this is great. Well done!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 12th, 2018, 4:18am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for taking a look and your kind words.

Matt


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 14th, 2018, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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Have been contacted by a director who want's to film this one.

I have given him permission, he seems very keen and enthusiastic about it, so fingers crossed this works out.

He found it on SS BTW. So thanks for hosting it Don


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eldave1
Posted: November 14th, 2018, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Much congrats!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MatthewLincoln
Posted: November 14th, 2018, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Matt,

Congrats on your script getting picked up by a director. That's really cool to hear. I haven't had a chance to read it yet-- but I will, and I'll let you know what I think. Good luck with your work.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. Your advice on trimming down my script is working. I started going through it, and it's beginning to flow much better with just those few tweaks. Thanks again for the feedback.
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Warren
Posted: November 14th, 2018, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Matt,

Took a look at this one. The story is great and very original, easy to see why it was picked up.

The writing could use some work, most of which seems to have been addressed and you have agreed or disagreed already.

At this point though, Iíll just offer my congrats.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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Kirsten
Posted: November 23rd, 2018, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Congrats Matt!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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MarkItZero
Posted: November 23rd, 2018, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting story. Good luck with the option!


That rug really tied the room together.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: December 14th, 2018, 5:34am Report to Moderator
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Thank you guys! I am excited about it, I have been keeping in contact with the director and will hopefully be filmed next year.

Also, a different filmmaker will be making an animation of this. So I'm looking forward to seeing that as well.

I might have to develop a bigger story involving Mr Repent lol


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