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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Pink Tunnels
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Don
Posted: December 2nd, 2018, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pink Tunnels by Kate Simpson - Short, Drama - 23 year old non-binary person in London called Ace experiences hallucinations that seem to portray different dark 'realities' They live an isolated and pretty emotionless life but as they experience more hallucinations the different realities get darker and more intense.  4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: December 4th, 2018, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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Hello

I gave this a read as the log line contained a lot, and I wanted to see how you crammed that into 4 pages.

The log line does need work - doesn't read to easy

My first comment would be, is this the whole story? The story doesn't seem to end, it just kinda stops - There's no conclusion.

What is the point in Ace being non-binary? doesn't affect the story one bit, in fact, some one watching a produced version would not know they are non-binary. Just seems included to tick a box.

The story does not deliver on what the log line promises, he hallucinates, but they don't portray dark realities, nor do they get more intense.

As well as polishing up the writing (work on descriptions, show us only what we need to know, and in as few words as possible). I think the story needs a lot a work as well

Good look with it

Matt


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