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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Last Time I Checked The Mirror
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  Author    Last Time I Checked The Mirror  (currently 98 views)
Don
Posted: January 4th, 2019, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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Last Time I Checked The Mirror Ep. 1 by Marcus Walton - Short, Drama - No one has control of the last time they will check a mirror, but they do have control of the events leading up. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: January 6th, 2019, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Hey, Marcus:Gave this a look. You have several issues on your first page.


Quoted Text
EXT. KARENíS HOUSE - DAY

The sun is barely peaking, leaving the neighborhood with a
bluish hue in the early morning hours.

KAREN gives herself a look over in her car visor mirror, then
shuts it.

She get out the car then walk up the steps to her lovely
home.

Karen enters her home. Itís pitch black on the inside.

She starts toward the steps then a light snaps on behind her.

She stops in her tracks as a deep voice calls out to her.


Problems with your headers in the start. You set up an EXT scene - outside her house. Then - we're in Karen's car without a new header. Then we're in the house - without a new header. You need new scene headings every time you change location.

Also - Maybe a little description of Karen when intro'd. We don't even know her age.


Quoted Text
She starts toward the steps then a light snaps on behind her.

She stops in her tracks as a deep voice calls out to her.

FRANK (O.S.)
Karen!!!


Kind of the wrong order. Should be something like:

She starts toward the steps then a light snaps on behind her.

FRANK (O.S.)
Karen!!!

Karen stops in her tracks.


Quoted Text
KAREN
(startled)
Whatís going on baby? What are you
doing off of work?


No need for the startled, We know it already from the stop in her tracks.


Quoted Text
FRANK
Where have you been Karen?


Need a comma after been,




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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