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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Persistent - OWC
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Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Persistent by - Ekon Kwan - Short, RomCom - A man thinks up a way to ask a girl of his dreams on a date. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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henb
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a rather original concept, though the way it’s written now it is somewhat hard to follow what is happening in some scenes, due to some confusing action lines and dialogue.

pg. 4 - “Have some breakfast first.”, along with the egg throwing was really funny.
pg. 4 - The Hobo theft was also very funny and abrupt.
pg. 6 - “It’s a Valentines Day”, either delete ‘a’ or add ‘gift’.
pg. 8 - When Fabien spells out Diane’s name you forgot the N.
pg. 9 - “you want he for ten years”, I think you meant to write “you've wanted her for ten years”.

I thought the romance was well represented, but I did not believe the lengths Fabien was going to win the girl. I think this should be expanded upon and explained more in a future draft. I found the awkward way Fabien spoke at the start amusing and a little too awkward. While I only found two exchanges between characters funny enough to laugh at, and they both happened in the same scene.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I think I liked the idea of this one more than the execution of it. It's the classic "boy wants one girl while not realizing the one who's right is right in front of him" storyline. There's a reason that's a classic set-up. My worry is that you didn't add to that type and filled in the gaps with some errors and awkward phrasings. This wasn't bad, just uninspired. Perhaps, in a rewrite, you'll build the story on top of the stable foundation.


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StevenClark
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Nice try here with a good misdirection, but this went wayward. The writing was tough to follow, and not clear in places. The Bitter Old Lady, The Hobo - all these extra characters took the focus away from the real story. By the end it had turned into mish mosh, and I couldn’t really follow along. You had a good idea, a nice twist but the execution was lacking.

Good effort!

Steve


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:55am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

If you're going to go with the fancy title page, at least centre it. No marks off for it, but it's not a great start considering it's the first thing we see.

You really can tell that the vast majority of the scripts are written by guys just from their female character's descriptions.

This was too all over the place.

Sorry but not for me I'm afraid.

All the best


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Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  February 4th, 2019, 5:45pm
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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Confused.

Is how I felt through most of the script. It's odd - I understood the words and the writing is fine - just somehow it seemed more chaotic than necessary.

I don't know - this may be the dumbest review I've posted - just confused.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, that is my real hair...

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Title Page looks terrible, sorry to say.

Page 1 is labeled as Page 2, and in reality, you shouldn't actually even number Page 1.

This is not a good start by any means.

I guess I'll be saying this until I'm blue in the face, but using an age like "30's", just isn't the way to go for main characters.  Huge life differences between age 30 and 39.  Pick an age that works for your characters and story.

Page 3 - this is very odd...you say that Tatyana is "30's", but she says she's 37, and then Fabien says he's 41, but you already intro'd him as 30's".  Am I missing something here?

WAIT...these are shoe sizes?  37, 38, 41?  WTF?  I have pretty big feet and I wear a size 13.  Are these giants?

"splatters all over his features and clothes." - WTF?  All over his features?  Very odd.

"Fabien is hot in pursue." - WTF?  OK, maybe English isn't your actual language and maybe where you live you're on a completely different shoe sizing scale, but whatever it is, I'm out.  This isn't working at all, and is very poorly written.

*


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Philostrate
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

There's romance and comedy, and the idea is good but the execution not so much. As it is, the script is tough to follow and I was confused in some places. I liked the characters, you did a good job, but there were too many shifts and turns in the story and the way it's written didn't help.

Nice twist but the script needs a solid rewrite if you want it to achieve its potential.

Good job on entering.


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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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I'm guessing those are European shoe sizes, which are different from those in North America.

I agree this story was confusing, and all over the place.
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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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From the start thought he would end up with Diane.

This had exactly the same concept as Rose BUD only Rose bud executed a lot better.

It was hard to keep track and it looks like you ran outta pages when otherwise you could have trimmed back so much.

Good job on entering


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Reading that was like listening to a Captain Beefheart album, I wanted to like it but in the end I was just exceptionally confused. Now, Beefheart is considered by many to be a genius so chances are it’s my fault, but I just couldn’t get to grips with what on earth was going on.

Again there seemed to be a lot of talking and page filling that wasn’t required, and I am fairly confident you could stream line it to get a much cleaner story as for me it just gets lost across the spread of the work.

Anyway, best of luck with it,

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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Zack
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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I think this one has some potential, but it's not quite there.

The writing itself is okay, and it reads quick. I think the dialog needs to be punched up, though. You make Fabien awkward, but you should take it further and put some more humor into it.

Also think you should rethink the end, or where you decide to end it. I think Fabien should confess his love to Diane at the end.

Good effort, just needs a rewrite.

Zack



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Zack  -  February 7th, 2019, 10:10pm
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This could have been good, but it started to fall apart.

Fabien's early actions make absolutely no sense if he's in love with Dianne.

Diane’s Dialogue page 5 is too weird

>Sorry. I’m Diane. And... See, my friend Fabien is madly in love with you. He’s a little shy but I want to convince him to wait for you in front of your store with flowers tomorrow, you know... since it’s a Valentines Day and all. I hope you won’t mind.

Then after all that,  Tatanya merely shrugs?

I’m lost on page 7 with Tatanya having “the guys” hid boots under the table at the coffee shop.

And now it’s switching to Fabien in love with Dianne? Like I said, that cancels out all his awkward behaviour earlier.

>FABIEN
Hey, just throw your coffee in my face and say something nasty as if I wronged you in some way. She’ll react to that.

What is that all about? Hot coffee in his face? He would have to be insane to ask her to do that.

If you try and make it a little more real and make some clarity for yourself about who wants what and why, then it will help to straighten it out later.

Good job that you entered and you were working on the comedic aspect.

The Hobo trying to steal his guitar was funny. I could really see that.  

Sandra






A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Ooh, I was a bit slow on the uptake regarding the switcheroo of the women. I should have twigged, except the shoe-shop scene made me think this.

This is a bit convoluted and messy with extraneous characters for a short. It should be pared down a bit imh. Some moments of mild amusement but once again the object of his affection doesn't feature prominently enough as just that. I really thought it was Tatyana and not Diane that he liked.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale

WAIT...these are shoe sizes?  37, 38, 41?  WTF?  I have pretty big feet and I wear a size 13.  Are these giants?


European shoe sizes - But not UK, as we use another scale completely.

So based on the above, I'm going to assume the writer has English as a secondary language.

Hi Writer

Tatyana must be great at her job, she's already selected a pair of shoes when all she has to go on is "I need a pair of shoes" - In other words, build the scene up.


Quoted Text
EXT. TATYANA’S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Above is not good - where am I? He's playing the guitar now, I am really confused.

Does this bitter old lady just walk around her house carrying eggs? She seems to have one very quickly.

Dialogue is not natural.

Tatyana is reacting very calmly considering she has just found out she is being stalked! how do they know where she lives?

The story is a little, strange - With a lot of work you might have something.

The way it is doesn't work for me.

Well done for entering the challenge

Matt
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