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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Sometimes Boring Is Better - OWC
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Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sometimes Boring Is Better by - Elle Efess - Short, RomCom - Bored of each other, a couple venture into the world of online dating only for their experiences to force them to question whether boring was better. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 5:16am Report to Moderator
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Funny. Really funny.


The only possible improvement is if the buff guy does something wrong, so that she realises she's better off with the original fellow.
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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:28am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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I think the beginning scene is too harsh. They just appear to really hate each other. You need more light and shade. Their exchange needs to show some residual love otherwise the final scene (which is really good btw) won't resonate quite so much. Otherwise it's just: you're better than the nightmare date I just experienced.

A unique choice for 'red,' and the flowers and chocolates weren't merely background devices.

The pepper scene? Huh? Might have to re-read that.

Overall, I like it and it had it's comedic moments, but I wasn't in love with it.
Nice funny ending, like I said.

Add just a bit more heart and you might win me over.


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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm.

Writing was good. Crisp and clean.

The opening argument was a bit over the top - like they hated each other anyway. Would have liked less of a head banger.

The dildo in the arse was a bit too much for me - would have preferred a different demise for our guy.

OVerall - solid effort here.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

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PKCardinal
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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I'm starting to sense a pattern with the scripts I'm reading: not much on the rom part of the romcom. Maybe I'm just too sappy, but, I'd like to see them actually fall back in love, rather than "well, at least you don't nearly accidentally kill me."

Writing was good, but the story just didn't pull me in emotionally, which is what I look for in a romcom.


PaulKWrites.com

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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

"Cut like a steak"? I honestly have no idea what I'm meant to be seeing. I'm guessing he's well built, but I don't get the comparison, same with the labradoodle description.

Not really a rom com, more of a straight comedy, and not a bad one at all, but it's heavily lacking in the other key ingredient.

Pretty good in its own right, but I think it fails go get the spirit of the challenge across.

Congrats on getting a script up.

All the best.


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StevenClark
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Pretty good script here. It was easy to follow and had a decent story. Rated R, but I suppose it falls under the rom com umbrella. Not over done, it had a nice simple balance to it and was a quick read. Yeah. I like it. Good job.

Steve


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

An argument straight away, setting a tense atmosphere. The woman is the one complaining of not enough sex, unusual, I think.

Re-home lost cats ha! well played Bradley.

A dildo - Jesus, these entries are a lot more sexual than I imagined

Okay, another story, another case of anal manipulation lol

So even though this involves sex, like a lot of them I have read, this one is done in a better way. It could be toned down, enhance the romance a little bit. The balance deffo tips in favour of comedy.

I really like the characters, I like the story - I would struggle to put it as a Rom-Com - more of just a comedy.

Well done on your entry

Matt


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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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The wife demanding sex and the man refusing,  obviously this is sci-fi set in some parallel universe.

So they both go their separate ways to find out they weren't that bad together after all.
Not really sure what the guy hunk date did wrong other than she ate the chocolate knowing she's allergic to nuts at 31..

They the other guy has a giant dildo shoved up his ass...  maybe a bit much for a romcom

It was funny with a hint of romanticism at the end.

Good job on entering


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Zack
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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This one is pretty good. Not great, but it made me laugh quite a bit.

Only real issue is some of the scene headings confused me. I wasn't sure who's apartments we were in during the given scene. I believe you should have the apartment owners name in the scene heading. Maybe it's me.

Quick, easy read. Pretty funny, and just enough romance. Good stuff.

Zack


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Vincent
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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OK, if Nancy's a bit too much of a dominatrix for me. And we had no prior warning that Carol was allergic to nuts. Tone up the romance and you may have a winner.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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Overall, I think this is pretty strong.  Good dialogue.  I'm certainly not head over heels in love with it.  The "cut like a steak"  I get it, but... you could rachet up the romance.  Oh yeah, what LC said about the opening being too harsh.  I concur.  

Kudos for finishing


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

https://lifeofrileysite.yolasite.com/resources/Jayonna%20Wick.pdf

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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khamanna
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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I read 6 and this got to be my favorite so far.
Very romcomie. And Very Good for a short.
The dialog is somewhat on the surface, you don't let us into their hearts. But that's okay.

The premise is very funny. The read was engaging and quick. And I really liked the idea. They go separate ways but the fate brings them together.

I'm in love with the last line.
I think you could trim the dialog throughout and make it sharper. See what you can do when you rewrite. Great job.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Sometimes less swearing is better.

This script is the unfortunate victim of too many scripts already written and read with the F-bomb and this reader is banging her head on her key board.

The title and logline are interesting. I wish I could get past the opening, but I can't.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Spqr
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Alex learned a lesson: don't continue on a date with someone who gives out the wrong vibes, which Nancy was definitely doing in the restaurant. Carol didn't learn anything because she should have checked to make sure the chocolates had no nuts to start with. So their re-coupling just showed they should stick together because neither has the stones to try the dating scene again. And there was no rom or com.
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