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So there is a romance element to it, and all comedy is subjective so I guess you’re also okay there. I, myself, didn’t find it that funny but that’s not to say others won’t.
The main problems are that the dialogue is stilted and doesn’t flow, plus there is a lot of it which doesn’t really add but instead just slows it down. You’re also telling in the descriptions, rather than showing, it’s an easy fix but one you will have to learn.
Don’t give up, you were heading in the correct direction regarding tone and parameters, but the lack of comedy and flowing dialogue really hampered it for myself.
I think this would have been funnier if there was more of a focus on Garland’s red face condition. For me, many scenes seemed disjointed.
pg. 1 - “like sweet one” should be “ones”. pg. 2 - Rick and Garland hiding behind the tree spying was funny pg. 2 - Lesa Williams name is not completely capitalized in her intro. pg. 3 - “What’s it” should be “What is it?”. pg. 3 - “she must’ve lots of boyfriends” should be “must have”. pg. 3 - “She’s got any” should be “She hasn’t”. pg. 3 - “has rose pattern” add an “a”. pg. 4 - “naughty you’re!” should be “you are”. pg. 4 - ‘handbad’ should be ‘handbag’. pg. 4 - Also funny when Garland goes all red in the face. pg. 5 - “No guts. She thought.” delete the “She thought”. pg. 5 - ‘Garland and Rick watch it.’ should be ‘watch them.’ pg. 6 - “told me Kerry’d” lose the “‘d”. pg. 6 - “for a girl named Pattie Mager.” I would just have Rick say: “for Pattie”. pg. 7 - ‘Garland walks downs’ I think should be ‘walks down the path’. pg. 8 - “a good impression on you” should be “me”. pg. 8 - “What’s it?” should be “What is it?”
There were many errors found in your dialogue. I didn’t find the romance side of this story very compelling. I thought there were a couple of genuinely funny moments, the spying behind a tree, and Garland being called a monster.
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There are typos and outright misspellings, so those definitely need to be cleaned up. I concur, some of the dialogue is little stilted and unnatural. Overall, Meh. Not bad, but you certainly could up the ante of the romance part.
But I have no dog in this fight. Kudos for finishing.
THE HUNT FOR D.B. COOPER
GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA
RISE OF THE AMAZONS
THE SLEEPING TIGER
"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
Different kinds of chocolate are on the shelves. Customers walk around to look for their favourite. GARLAND DAVIES, 24, gentle, glasses, short and neat hair stands behind the shelves. Next to him is RICK MAXWELL,23, sporty with a lovely face. Rick is packing chocolates for a customer. He hands it to the customer.
A confusing set up. Are they actually standing behind shelves????? How could they be seen. You mean counter maybe?
The dialogue is really unnatural - stilted. People don't talk like that.
Okay, I thought yesterday since I was having such poor luck with the early scripts I had chosen to start with, it might have soured me; so I wanted to be fair and revisit this.
There were many things pulling me out of the read and wanting to go watch the wind blowing snow around outside. These are the kinds of things to think about (for all of us) when we're writing.
How much is our scene accomplishing? Is the dialogue leaning more towards banter? Does it have enough realism, but also draw us into the story with whatever can be mustered in the creative department?
Sorry that I have to say that Garland was a poor name choice. Maybe in another story. Like "A boy named Sue" idea. But in this case, it didn't have context. It continued to make me stop and make weird faces at the computer screen.
Also on the name front. This story wasn't in need of last names.
I think you can work on imagery. Take a look at the script: Don't Burst My Bubble
for examples of well drawn images. The whole script doesn't contain a single bit of dialogue. It has its issues, but it's a good script to look at and learn from.
I think perhaps some things are getting lost in the translation here.
A chocolate shop is a great setting for a romantic comedy and I think it was underutilised. I'd describe those chocolates if I were you - the soft fruit centres, the gooey caramel ganache, the strawberry filled chocolate hearts. Film is visual medium so let us see and taste and smell everything with your descriptions. If you have it as your set piece take advantage of it and have most of your romantic action there.
I got his struggle and torment and the romance at the end.
1st action/description try to narrow it down to 4 lines max makes it easier on the eyes to read
So the 2 guys are stalking the lady! ohh romantic
JANIE HASNOE BECOME JANNIE JANNIE People thought she must've lots of boyfriends. No. She only had one boyfriend two years ago. The guy hadn't given her roses. She's got any roses so far. Eager to have one.
Well that was handy and very natural conversation
A lot typos happening
Shirley becomes Shirely you really have to check your work
She's back on the same bench and the boys are stalking again behind the same tree.
Page 5 and now we have another character... I think we're up to 8 too many to keep track off
and these names are pretty bad... Kerry and Garland would be more suited to women
You made a good impression on you...
Obviously a newbie I suggest you read a lot of books and a lot of scripts.... Also check your work or have a friend look over it. An extra set of eyes always help before you enter it into the lion's den.
On the plus side you did attempt romance with a small bit of humor which is a lot more than some of the experienced writers
Cap CUSTOMERS in your first block of action. Anytime we see people for the first time CAPS let us know, it's the first time we see them.
This reads awkwardly. The dialogue reads awkward as well. English second language maybe?
In the flashback his gf runs away cause his face turns red? What?
When it comes to a short, you really have to focus on your story, more than usual. 10 pages is not a lot to work with and you still need to fit a clear 1st, 2nd, and 3rd act in there.
This script however just kinda muddles around the middle. If I was gonna tackle this premise here's how I'd approach it though this is just a quick brainstorm.
1st act. 2 pages Start with Garland and Pattie already flirting in the choc shop from the go. For some reason she is really digging him though we can tell he is awkward in a funny shy kinda way. Maybe she is overly flirty and he gets embarrassed, so red that he notices in the mirror, looses confidence and runs away, leaving her wondering where he went.
We have the two main characters established and who they are. Pattie is the hot flirty girl of Garland's dreams and he is the blundering shy nice guy. The conflict is there's chemistry but his self confidence/being a prude is getting in the way. Even better, lets have her place an order for a pick up in 5 days so theres some added tension of a time constraint for Garland to get his act together before they meet again.
2nd act. 4 pages His buddy, a natural player, decides to help Garland overcome his lack of confidence by taking him to bars, dates, hell strip clubs to get his confidence back up. Just quick comedic scenes of Garland failing to flirt in hilarious ways as his red face gets the best of him over and over. Finally he gets over his fear. Maybe he's never been kissed before and that anxiety is what causes the red face. Have a kind stripper give him a peck on the cheek and he is able to calm his nerves, finally jumping over this big hurdle.
3rd act. 3 pages Now with his confidence, Garland faces his big test as the big day arrives and Pattie come to pick up her chocolate order. As she flirts he keeps getting red and it looks like he's gonna strike out again. Then, I dunno, the stripper happens to walk into the store, recognizes him, blows him a kiss and he mans up for Pattie with restored confidence. Or the stripper flirts with him, Pattie gets upset at this and becomes red in her face too. When they turn to face each other, they are both red and it's love at first blush. Kiss.
Then his friend tries to hit on the stripper and fails. END.
The conflict is resolved but not before an added twist threatens to derail all of Garland's hard work so far. You could write that in 10 pages, and that would be a complete story.
So, we start off with a 6 line passage. Let's look at it...
"Different kinds of chocolate are on the shelves. Customers walk around to look for their favourite. GARLAND DAVIES, 24, gentle, glasses, short and neat hair stands behind the shelves. Next to him is RICK MAXWELL,23, sporty with a lovely face. Rick is packing chocolates for a customer. He hands it to the customer."
How many different thoughts/shots do we actually have here? How many mistakes do we have here? Let's just say a bunch to both questions. Describing a male character with "with a lovely face" is pretty odd, to say the least.
We are not off to a good start here.
Do we really need this wrylie right off the bat? No...we do not!
"He takes it and leaves. Garland answers questions about chocolate." - Who is "He"? Why is the 2nd sentence part of this passage? It has absolutely nothing to do with the 1st line.
Dialogue is really bad.
You obviously have no idea how to break up passages and it makes for a very tough read.
Wow, this dialogue is just so bad. If I didn't know better, I'd think you're writing a pisser and making it as bad as you can. I'm sorry, I can't read anymore.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Hey writer - You are next on my list, so I'm going in.
Wow, a lot of these entries shove the parameters in early - but you have beaten them all by including them in your title lol
The first thing that hits me, this 6 line block of text - right there, the opening of page 1. I have mentioned this on another thread, so I'll mention it here - professional script readers have to get through a lot of scripts, a lot more than we are in this challenge (I hope you, the writer, are reading and reviewing other entries - if you are you can see how it becomes a mammoth task) Anyway - a professional reader may be put off by this block, possibly skip it altogether.
Yea that passage is overwritten - in a rewrite you can deffo cut it down.
Dialogue is very unnatural - Is English your second language? or are you quite young? I'm guessing second language
The writing is very awkward, and that's coming from me.
Definitely a second language problem here, so I won't point out errors in spelling and grammar anymore.
Was Garland allergic to the roses? that wasn't clear to me.
It's a bit creepy that these two are spying on her from behind a tree, on multiple days - I think.
Too many characters, you need to cut down and focus this story.
OK I finished.
There are numerous problems outside of the language problem. The dialogue is way too unrealistic, nobody talks like that, in any language.
I don't understand the red face thing - Why does his face go red?
Why roses? the whole premise is that he has to give her roses, but when he does, his face turns red. But why roses? why not other flowers? or just not a gift at all.
The setting of a chocolate shop is a romantic one, I would build up that setting more - Make it a proper chocolatier - Garland elegantly making chocolate in his shop. I would also keep it in this location and do away with the park and apartment.
There is a big logic issue here, but it's not a throwaway. With a lot of work you can make this happen.
All the best to you and well done for entering the challenge
Interesting concept but it seems like maybe you're just beginning and maybe English isn't your first language. if so, good effort. The dialogue needs a lot of work for it to be believsble. Overall, I found it too cheesy but I think there's a good story in there.
I don't think you need the very first sentence. And I think that instead of "answers questions about chocolate" you better said "turns to other customers"
I think you better work on your characters. Otherwise, the dialog doesn't sound interesting. Just give your characters more interesting lines and don't allow the dialog to go in circles around the same subject. Three first pages are about them talking about Patty and that he has to give her roses. Just make it more interesting that's all.
The idea is good. And it's clear. And that's already a lot. Good of you to enter. And wait to see what a dumb thing I wrote. So maybe there's no point in reading my review.