SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 24th, 2019, 9:59pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The scripts of the April/May OWC have been posted


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Roses, Chocolate and Red Face - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Roses, Chocolate and Red Face - OWC  (currently 458 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12904
Posts Per Day
1.94
Roses, Chocolate and Red Face by -  Billy Fish - Short, RomCom - A young man needs to overcome his face turning red whenever he gives roses to a woman he likes. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:17am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3743
Posts Per Day
0.87
I will look at this one again tomorrow to be fair since I'm just about ready for bed, but I liked the idea of the title. I thought it was a good spin on "red". That would not have occurred to me.

After my quick glimpse I notice that the dialogue has that (what do you call it) over done quality to it. I think more work needs to be done on the visuals.

As and example (and like I said I'd like to come back to this)

The very first line is telltale of weakness in the visuals department.

>Different kinds of chocolate are on the shelves.

There are SO MANY KINDS OF CHOCOLATE...

And believe me, I'd need to do my research on that one because I'm no chocolate expert. If you find my script, you'll know what I mean.  

I'll revisit this tomorrow.

Good job at submitting.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 21
Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Laaaaannnndddaaaan (London)
Posts
634
Posts Per Day
0.53
Hey writer,

So there is a romance element to it, and all comedy is subjective so I guess you’re also okay there. I, myself, didn’t find it that funny but that’s not to say others won’t.

The main problems are that the dialogue is stilted and doesn’t flow, plus there is a lot of it which doesn’t really add but instead just slows it down. You’re also telling in the descriptions, rather than showing, it’s an easy fix but one you will have to learn.

Don’t give up, you were heading in the correct direction regarding tone and parameters, but the lack of comedy and flowing dialogue really hampered it for myself.

Best,

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 21
henb
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
80
Posts Per Day
0.60
I think this would have been funnier if there was more of a focus on Garland’s red face condition. For me, many scenes seemed disjointed.

pg. 1 - “like sweet one” should be “ones”.
pg. 2 - Rick and Garland hiding behind the tree spying was funny
pg. 2 - Lesa Williams name is not completely capitalized in her intro.
pg. 3 - “What’s it” should be “What is it?”.
pg. 3 - “she must’ve lots of boyfriends” should be “must have”.
pg. 3 - “She’s got any” should be “She hasn’t”.
pg. 3 - “has rose pattern” add an “a”.
pg. 4 - “naughty you’re!” should be “you are”.
pg. 4 - ‘handbad’ should be ‘handbag’.
pg. 4 - Also funny when Garland goes all red in the face.
pg. 5 - “No guts. She thought.” delete the “She thought”.
pg. 5 - ‘Garland and Rick watch it.’ should be ‘watch them.’
pg. 6 - “told me Kerry’d” lose the “‘d”.
pg. 6 - “for a girl named Pattie Mager.” I would just have Rick say: “for Pattie”.
pg. 7 - ‘Garland walks downs’ I think should be ‘walks down the path’.
pg. 8 - “a good impression on you” should be “me”.
pg. 8 - “What’s it?” should be “What is it?”

There were many errors found in your dialogue. I didn’t find the romance side of this story very compelling. I thought there were a couple of genuinely funny moments, the spying behind a tree, and Garland being called a monster.


our scripts hosted by simplyscripts:
Space Fish
The Homeless Crusaders      
Uncomfortable Creatures
Psychosystem
Must Escape from the Slaughtercity


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 21
_ghostwriter
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
Regular


I am a writer first and a critic second.

Location
"On the road to Rome."
Posts
847
Posts Per Day
0.23
Pretty interesting overall.  I'll give you that.

There are typos and outright misspellings, so those definitely need to be cleaned up.   I concur, some of the dialogue is little stilted and unnatural.  Overall, Meh. Not bad, but you certainly could up the ante of the romance part.

But I have no dog in this fight.  Kudos for finishing.


THE HUNT FOR D.B. COOPER

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

HEATWAVE


THE SLEEPING TIGER

STINGRAY: SPECIAL EDITION

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 21
eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4416
Posts Per Day
2.56
Got a typo on the title page - ominous start.

Typos and misspellings throughout the script.


Quoted Text
Different kinds of chocolate are on the shelves. Customers
walk around to look for their favourite. GARLAND DAVIES, 24,
gentle, glasses, short and neat hair stands behind the
shelves. Next to him is RICK MAXWELL,23, sporty with a lovely
face. Rick is packing chocolates for a customer. He hands it
to the customer.


A confusing set up. Are they actually standing behind shelves????? How could they be seen. You mean counter maybe?

The dialogue is really unnatural - stilted. People don't talk like that.

Sorry, this one did not land at all for me.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 21
Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1993
Posts Per Day
1.89
Hi Writer,

I have a feeling you may not be a native English speaker.

The dialogue is very unnatural and doesn’t flow at all. It's on the nose as well.

Something that continued to pull me out of the read was the awkward use of contractions in the dialogue, I mean they obviously have a place but some of these just didn’t help the flow of the read.

There is a romantic element but I didn’t get much, or any comedy out of it.

Congrats on entering.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 21
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3743
Posts Per Day
0.87
Okay, I thought yesterday since I was having such poor luck with the early scripts I had chosen to start with, it might have soured me; so I wanted to be fair and revisit this.

There were many things pulling me out of the read and wanting to go watch the wind blowing snow around outside. These are the kinds of things to think about (for all of us) when we're writing.

How much is our scene accomplishing? Is the dialogue leaning more towards banter? Does it have enough realism, but also draw us into the story with whatever can be mustered in the creative department?

Sorry that I have to say that Garland was a poor name choice. Maybe in another story. Like "A boy named Sue" idea. But in this case, it didn't have context.  It continued to make me stop and make weird faces at the computer screen.  

Also on the name front. This story wasn't in need of last names.

I think you can work on imagery. Take a look at the script: Don't Burst My Bubble

for examples of well drawn images. The whole script doesn't contain a single bit of dialogue. It has its issues, but it's a good script to look at and learn from.

Good for Submitting and Keep Writing!  

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 21
LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:38am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3211
Posts Per Day
0.83
I think perhaps some things are getting lost in the translation here.

A chocolate shop is a great setting for a romantic comedy and I think it was underutilised. I'd describe those chocolates if I were you - the soft fruit centres, the gooey caramel ganache, the strawberry filled chocolate hearts. Film is visual medium so let us see and taste and smell everything with your descriptions. If you have it as your set piece take advantage of it and have most of your romantic action there.

I got his struggle and torment and the romance at the end.

This just needs more work. Keep at it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 21
irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1676
Posts Per Day
0.51
1st action/description try to narrow it down to 4 lines max makes it easier on the eyes to read

So the 2 guys are stalking the lady! ohh romantic

JANIE HASNOE BECOME JANNIE
          JANNIE
          People thought she must've lots of
          boyfriends. No. She only had one
          boyfriend two years ago. The guy
          hadn't given her roses. She's got
          any roses so far. Eager to have
          one.

Well that was handy and very natural conversation

A lot typos happening

Shirley becomes Shirely   you really have to check your work

She's back on the same bench and the boys are stalking again behind the same tree.

Page 5 and now we have another character... I think we're up to  8 too many to keep track off

and these names are pretty bad... Kerry and Garland would be more suited to women

You made a good impression on you...

Obviously a newbie I suggest you read a lot of books and a lot of scripts....
Also check your work or have a friend look over it. An extra set of eyes always help before you enter it into the lion's den.

On the plus side you did attempt romance with a small bit of humor which is a lot more than some of the experienced writers


Good job on entering


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 21
CameronD
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 10:13am Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
608
Posts Per Day
0.31
Cap CUSTOMERS in your first block of action. Anytime we see people for the first time CAPS let us know, it's the first time we see them.

This reads awkwardly. The dialogue reads awkward as well.  English second language maybe?

In the flashback his gf runs away cause his face turns red? What?

When it comes to a short, you really have to focus on your story, more than usual. 10 pages is not a lot to work with and you still need to fit a clear 1st, 2nd, and 3rd act in there.

This script however just kinda muddles around the middle. If I was gonna tackle this premise here's how I'd approach it though this is just a quick brainstorm.

1st act. 2 pages
Start with Garland and Pattie already flirting in the choc shop from the go. For some reason she is really digging him though we can tell he is awkward in a funny shy kinda way. Maybe she is overly flirty and he gets embarrassed, so red that he notices in the mirror, looses confidence and runs away, leaving her wondering where he went.

We have the two main characters established and who they are. Pattie is the hot flirty girl of Garland's dreams and he is the blundering shy nice guy. The conflict is there's chemistry but his self confidence/being a prude is getting in the way. Even better, lets have her place an order for a pick up in 5 days so theres some added tension of a time constraint for Garland to get his act together before they meet again.

2nd act. 4 pages
His buddy, a natural player,  decides to help Garland overcome his lack of confidence by taking him to bars, dates, hell strip clubs to get his confidence back up. Just quick comedic scenes of Garland failing to flirt in hilarious ways as his red face gets the best of him over and over. Finally he gets over his fear. Maybe he's never been kissed before and that anxiety is what causes the red face. Have a kind stripper give him a peck on the cheek and he is able to calm his nerves, finally jumping over this big hurdle.

3rd act. 3 pages
Now with his confidence, Garland faces his big test as the big day arrives and Pattie come to pick up her chocolate order. As she flirts he keeps getting red and it looks like he's gonna strike out again. Then, I dunno, the stripper happens to walk into the store, recognizes him, blows him a kiss and he mans up for Pattie with restored confidence. Or the stripper flirts with him, Pattie gets upset at this and becomes red in her face too. When they turn to face each other, they are both red and it's love at first blush. Kiss.

Then his friend tries to hit on the stripper and fails. END.

The conflict is resolved but not before an added twist threatens to derail all of Garland's hard work so far. You could write that in 10 pages, and that would be a complete story.


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 21
Dreamscale
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10638
Posts Per Day
2.56
So, we start off with a 6 line passage.  Let's look at it...

"Different kinds of chocolate are on the shelves. Customers
walk around to look for their favourite. GARLAND DAVIES, 24,
gentle, glasses, short and neat hair stands behind the
shelves. Next to him is RICK MAXWELL,23, sporty with a lovely
face. Rick is packing chocolates for a customer. He hands it
to the customer."

How many different thoughts/shots do we actually have here?  How many mistakes do we have here?  Let's just say a bunch to both questions.  Describing a male character with "with a lovely face" is pretty odd, to say the least.

We are not off to a good start here.

Do we really need this wrylie right off the bat?  No...we do not!

"He takes it and leaves. Garland answers questions about chocolate." - Who is "He"?  Why is the 2nd sentence part of this passage?  It has absolutely nothing to do with the 1st line.

Dialogue is really bad.

You obviously have no idea how to break up passages and it makes for a very tough read.

Wow, this dialogue is just so bad. If I didn't know better, I'd think you're writing a pisser and making it as bad as you can.   I'm sorry, I can't read anymore.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  February 6th, 2019, 4:23pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 21
Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
410
Posts Per Day
2.15
Hey writer - You are next on my list, so I'm going in.

Wow, a lot of these entries shove the parameters in early - but you have beaten them all by including them in your title lol

The first thing that hits me, this 6 line block of text - right there, the opening of page 1. I have mentioned this on another thread, so I'll mention it here - professional script readers have to get through a lot of scripts, a lot more than we are in this challenge (I hope you, the writer, are reading and reviewing other entries - if you are you can see how it becomes a mammoth task)
Anyway - a professional reader may be put off by this block, possibly skip it altogether.

Yea that passage is overwritten - in a rewrite you can deffo cut it down.

Dialogue is very unnatural - Is English your second language? or are you quite young? I'm guessing second language

The writing is very awkward, and that's coming from me.

Definitely a second language problem here, so I won't point out errors in spelling and grammar anymore.

Was Garland allergic to the roses? that wasn't clear to me.

It's a bit creepy that these two are spying on her from behind a tree, on multiple days - I think.

Too many characters, you need to cut down and focus this story.

OK I finished.

There are numerous problems outside of the language problem. The dialogue is way too unrealistic, nobody talks like that, in any language.

I don't understand the red face thing - Why does his face go red?

Why roses? the whole premise is that he has to give her roses, but when he does, his face turns red. But why roses? why not other flowers? or just not a gift at all.

The setting of a chocolate shop is a romantic one, I would build up that setting more - Make it a proper chocolatier - Garland elegantly making chocolate in his shop. I would also keep it in this location and do away with the park and apartment.

There is a big logic issue here, but it's not a throwaway. With a lot of work you can make this happen.

All the best to you and well done for entering the challenge

Matt




Erotomania
Mr Repent (In Pre-production)
Inbox (1)
While the Gentlemen Go By

My Website

DISCLAIMER: I am an uproduced amateur, if I comment on your work, please bear that in mind
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 21
IamGlenn
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
Regular


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
706
Posts Per Day
0.41
Hi,

Interesting concept but it seems like maybe you're just beginning and maybe English isn't your first language. if so, good effort. The dialogue needs a lot of work for it to be believsble. Overall, I found it too cheesy but I think there's a good story in there.

Good luck,
Glenn


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 21
khamanna
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3058
Posts Per Day
0.87
I don't think you need the very first sentence. And I think that instead of "answers questions about chocolate" you better said "turns to other customers"

I think you better work on your characters. Otherwise, the dialog doesn't sound interesting. Just give your characters more interesting lines and don't allow the dialog to go in circles around the same subject. Three first pages are about them talking about Patty and that he has to give her roses. Just make it more interesting that's all.

The idea is good. And it's clear. And that's already a lot. Good of you to enter. And wait to see what a dumb thing I wrote. So maybe there's no point in reading my review.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 21
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006