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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Crime of Fashion - OWC
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  Author    Crime of Fashion - OWC  (currently 375 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Crime of Fashion by Gerald St. George - Short, RomCom - A woman and a man meet and they fall in love. Although, the object of their affections is really each other's sense of style. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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IamGlenn
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:42am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

This one was pretty odd and wacky. The characters spoke so strange and over the top throughout. It was consistent with it though. The ending was pretty funny, although sloppily handled with the reveal (the drunky being the fashion police)

3/5

Not bad,
Glenn


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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Your opening passages are very "thick", and although one would think this means they'll be visually written, that's not the case here.

I'd recommend introing your characters immediately, as opposed to using woman and man, as it's a waste of space this way and serves no purpose.

Writing is not good, but no glaring mistakes, either...so I guess that's a backhanded compliment?

Dialogue is so over the top, it's actually comical...realistic? No, not at all.  Funny, yeah...it is.

Page 5 - "Thanks toots." - You always want to separate anything used as a name with a comma, and since it's being used a name, Cap it, too.  "Thanks, Toots."

Page 7/8 - Not sure why the time of day is changing in these Slugs.

Page 8 - if time has passed, you need new Slug...like, "MOMENTS LATER" or the like.

Page 9 - same problem.

The end.  Pretty funny, in a very odd way, but humor is humor.  For me, the fashion police thing was a little odd, to say the least, but again, obvious attempts at humor, and that's a good thing.

In terms of the challenge parameters, the rose(s) and chocolate(s) were barely here.  The color red works, per the shoes, and I'd definitely say this is ROMCOM material.

Writing not great, by any means, but other than what I mentioned and a few other things here and there, not terrible.

***


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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Great title!

You are making some basic mistakes out of the gate - Characters not properly intro'd, etc. PATRONS.

The action lines need some work - make them more active. Make them pop more.

The dialogue is a bit wooden - unnatural. The exchanges are odd.

Okay - the ending with the Fashion Officers is just losing me.

Good job on entering. This one needs a bit more work.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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The concept evolved around the shoes with the fashion officers busting the scene...

It's not bad was a struggle at times to get through some of the lengthy dialogue.

It had it's moments of comedy and fake romanticism based he was only after the shoes.

Good job on entering


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

Opening this up and looking at those big blocks of text was off putting.
Seems overwritten in places.

OK, I didn't get this one - I'm probably being a bit slow, but I have no idea what just happened lol

It's hard for me to comment when I am completely confused. Big on the humour, low on the romance I would say

Good job on the challenge

Matt


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty well written and had a nice kooky feel to it with good interplay between the two leads and a string RomCom feel to it.

Until, the ending with the fashion police. Sorry to me this feels ill-judged and took me completely out of the story.

Shame as I was enjoying it up to that point.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Goofy and over-the-top...though it's certainly supposed to be. And the fashion police angle was obvious.

Agree the dialogue blocks at the start are far too long. I try to avoid limiting any dialogue block to four lines, five at the most, so it sounds less artificial.

The bottom of page 8 features one misspelling that always irks me -- it's "should have" or "should've," NOT "should of."

Were this to be made, perhaps an opening or closing song (assuming rights could be obtained) should be "Fashion" by David Bowie or "Dedicated Follow Of Fashion" by the Kinks.
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LC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Vincent
The bottom of page 8 features one misspelling that always irks me -- it's "should have" or "should've," NOT "should of."

Ooh, another grammar pedant has joined SS (just like me).
Is this example in description? If it's dialogue anything goes, unless the character is a professor of literature.
Either way, welcome to SS, Vincent. And, no, it's not mine.

Just going to dive into this one...
...

This line -

maybe I could become
someone who matters in your life.


Is a bit premature imh.
Bit of a magician, Preston with things being whipped from his pockets.

Melony
You've got to be fucking joking

Bit jarring...

I like that you did something different. I like the age difference and the quirkiness.
Then it takes a bit of a turn on page eight and with the fashion police.

The dialogue is a bit stilted. That's fine if it's in line with character but I'm not sure it's just that.

The challenge parameters were mere props, except for the red shoes - the Pluto Crunch bar was a nice touch but didn't really feature.

Writer, take note of the 'should of' that Vincent pointed out, just in case you're not aware.

Bit of work to do on this but I enjoyed it nonetheless.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  February 3rd, 2019, 8:49pm
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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Pg 2 could use some action to break up the long blocks of dialogue.

This is so dialogue heavy, the main issue being is that a lot of it is on the nose.

Itís not really subject matter I can really get behind, so the comedy didnít work for me.

Other than the dialogue issues the writing was fairly decent.

All the best.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Ooh, another grammar pedant has joined SS (just like me).
Is this example in description? If it's dialogue anything goes, unless the character is a professor of literature.


Not mine either, but yeah, ANYTHING goes in dialogue. In fact, as you probably know, peeps purposely misspell shit in dialogue to make the chat seem natural.  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:51am Report to Moderator
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This is a hard one to write for because I had a really hard time reading it. A solid read through and rewrite is certainly needed, but the heart of the story is something you can build upon. Thatís what is most important, just keep reworking it!
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jayrex
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Without reading the previous comments.

This one was silly and absurd in places.  I'm surprised when the police turned up, no one shot and 'BANG' came out.

When it started where Preston talked to his shoes as if the shoes had their own personality.  That set the tone.  Ironically, this script maybe better enjoyed filmed instead of read.  It reminds me of The Mighty Boosh and Noel Fieldings personality.  As that show is a weird comedy that features a lot of fashion.

I think this script meets the challenge in a round about way.




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Cam Gray
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Second script Iíve come across with homeless charm, which is nice! Everyone need someone to love...

So the dialogue is quite stilted in bits, and the descriptions quite thick and clunky to start with, not a great first impression. That being said...after a while it kinda grew on me, it has a charm to it, and I was left with a kinda nice fuzzy feeling inside.

It wonít win it (IMO) but it was a decent enough entry.

Cheers,

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm. Very quirky, which I usually enjoy. But, this one never quite got there for me.

I love that you stayed consistent in tone throughout. (The only exception being the "fucking joking" line, which felt out of place with the rest of the script.)

I guess its a romcom, but, the fact that he was only in it for the shoes might be enough to take it out of the genre. Not that I'd score it lower for that.

Anyway, fun little piece. Disappointed that it wasn't just a bit more fun, but kudos for going for it.


PaulKWrites.com

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