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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Rep Disrupter - OWC
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  Author    Rep Disrupter - OWC  (currently 504 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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Rep Disrupter by Dronaldino Armandasio Trafalgario - Short, RomCom - A university student who is infatuated with a certain celebrity starts receiving credit for good deeds that were actually performed by her admirer, in order to boost her reputation and bring her true happiness. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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IamGlenn
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:23am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

This one was written pretty well and was funny in parts. You Incorporated the flowers, chocolates and red item pretty well too. The ending, for me, falls flat. I didn't find it particularly funny, and the big reveal of Johnny Depp didn't work.

The build up was nice, and had me fully invested.

3/5 for me.

Good luck,
Glenn


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jayrex
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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This one was easy to read but I didn't quite enjoy the entire story.  A bit odd in places.  I didn't understand the use of the wheelchair if the character can run.  Top of page three, I believe the dialogue after the mocking parenthesis belongs to Angelica.

I see the romantic side, I don't feel the comedy part.


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Freddie
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

So, I found some of the dialogue entertaining, particularly Hermione flexing her biceps and shushing her professor in class. However, there was a few elements I might have changed, but perhaps it's a matter of having different styles!

I've always been quite against flashbacks, dream sequences, therapy sessions, or any other form of expository vehicle that detracts from a script's drama. I also feel that the inciting incident (the note) came possibly a little late into the narrative. I was a little confused by what Hermione actually did to help her students. Was it all of it done through a computer? Did she really not know that Aden was in fact performing these acts of good will for her?

Maybe it's a little early and I missed something! Nonetheless, definitely some funny dialogue, and an interesting set-up of a character taking the credit for someone else's behaviour. With a little restructuring and a tighter focus on what Hermione actually does/did, it could be good!

Best of luck!

Freddie
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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was odd to say the least.

The use of Johnny Depp really did nothing for me.
So she's in a wheelchair but jumps up and threatens people and even her teacher is fine with her sleeping... because she helped so many people even though I have no idea what she did.
Which then turns out she was hacked by an admirer.

and another script that needs to drop an F bomb for a romantic comedy.

Besides the writing itself being very good the story I couldn't enjoy

Sorry

good job on entering


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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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For me, I'd like a bit more than the generic STUDENT - I get no sense of their age or gender. Don't need names. But maybe MALE JOCK STUDENTS, etc.

Goth girl in wheelchair - okay - you got my interest.

This:


Quoted Text
Next to her is her one and only friend, ANGELICA (22),
dressed in plain, neutral-colored clothes, and with her long
hair in a ponytail, and also in glasses, who walks and
struggles to carry both their textbooks.


Is a bit wordy/clumsy.

The carry your own  books thing stretches it a bit - she could have them on her lap, in a back pack on her chair - etc.

The "dream" is handled incorrectly - you really need to write a dream sequence here, IMO. You still have all that action going under the CLASSROOM - header.

Got confused on page 6 - now she is walking...? Thought she was wheel-chaired bound.

The story itself didn't quite do it for me. Just okay.

Congrats on entering.











My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ReneC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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The opening seems like it should be a montage of individual student interviews, but it's not written that way. I don't see it working as written.

Hermione's intro is as surprising as you intended. Nice set up. The anticipation to find out what hold this monster has over everyone is building already. The dialogue is really good, but I found it going on too long. We get the idea.

The dream sequence is a separate scene. You need proper headers, it's an entirely different filming location.

I'm really confused by the wheelchair. Hermione is introduced in one, but she's able to run up to the boy who's behind it all? And she returns to it, and again during the wedding...is she scamming the wheelchair for sympathy?

The whole premise doesn't make a lick of sense. None of it does, really. It isn't romantic in the least. The one thing it has going for it is Hermione is a fascinating character, but she's no protagonist. I would have liked to see this from a different point of view maybe, something to make me feel for someone in this story, but I didn't care for the hacker or her "best friend" either.

Some great characterization on display here, but it's lost in a nonsense fantasy. Good effort, just not for me.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Like jayrex, I see the romance but not really the comedy. There were one or two parts that could make me chuckle, like Hermione shushing the teacher, but overall it didn't do much for me on the comedic side. The dialogue was weird in some parts too. I feel like the story could've been shorter but good for you for utilizing the whole 10 pages.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so first review... I'm doing them in order of the listing page and I'm going to try and be constructive as I go.

The intro is very generic, New Reporter, Student, generic scene header etc... these can all be improved by making them specific... applies on and off throughout.

The Students second line of dialogue is very long and over theatrical (which may turn out to be on purpose)... again this repeats a few times in the script.

So it is a montage, formatting needs work for the cuts between students... it's confusing as currently written.

There's quite a lot of passive writing and sentences that read as if from fiction writing, another edit or two could tidy these up.

Not sure what to make of this, it didn't really work for me as none of the characters seemed to be genuine.

Well done for getting an entry in.

  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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GregL
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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I'll digest it awhile and then get back to for another read. Initial thoughts:
- Hermoine seems thoroughly unlikable, let  alone lovable. Not a protagonist to root for.
- Give us reason to believe the young man would love her.
- why the wheelchair? A prop since she clearly can walk.
- wouldn't be able to see the actor smile with his back to us.
- Felt like the ending was a realization you needed to end the script at 10 pages. Rushed.
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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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I don't understand Hermione, or how she's such a heroine on campus when she's really a power-mad hypocrite. And to think she comes so close to killing the person who for some reason loves her. This is a character we're supposed to root for, but ultimately can't.

A dark romantic comedy, and frankly not a particularly good one.
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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:33am Report to Moderator
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Help?

I don't quite know what was going on here...
Hermione was an odd one. I liked her physical description btw, and could picture her vividly but I have no idea why everyone was so taken with her.

Johnny Depp? Hmm, nope, didn't work for me.

If you're going to top with an interview I suggest you also tail, as it's a perfect opportunity to give your audience some clarification to unanswered questions.

Quirky and convoluted with a liitle added charm, but doesn't fit the bill for me.

P.S. I can't even recall roses, chocs, red, so they can't have featured prominently.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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I think I fit in with the majority here in saying that this one just wasn't for me. The characters (as a whole, not just Hermione) were too unlikable for the comedy to be felt and the romance didn't even really appear until about three pages left in the script. I'm not including the earlier appearance of Johnny Depp as being part of the romance. Really nothing about this struck a chord with me.


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Philostrate
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

There are some good characterizations and mystery in the beginning… Kudos for this… But by the end nothing makes sense. I still wonder what was all about…

Good job on entering, though.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Well hello there, writer,

It failed my new patented Shakespeare Sister Test, but it kept me hooked. The front half read like the beginning dream sequence of Rushmore, not a bad thing, and then it got a fair bit weirder.

It was a curious little tale, I’m not really sure about the romance element at all, it was a struggle to get close to it, and the comedy was more surreal but without the proper funnies. In retrospect it’s not a romcom, but it is a curious little drama, I suspect a Wes Anderson fan too.

Cheers for keeping me curious,

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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