SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 10th, 2019, 8:41pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  A Stain of Blood
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    A Stain of Blood  (currently 281 views)
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 10:23am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
A Stain of Blood by Victor Daniel-Kalio - Short, Action - A housekeeping job gone south plunges Rami into a fight for her life. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: February 21st, 2019, 4:40am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
Hey Yo writer,

I searched for a script to read and the logline pulled me in, fortunately. The script, the story, is very good imo. Very good.

I'll place a spoiler below because I know there are some action freaks here and this one got that attitude on the line in which you better run into without a thing.

What I loved was the humanism you put into the ending. This woman was truly the underdog in that fight and she really kept her character in the grand finale. I just loved her saying "please" once again before she had to take him from earth's surface. She had to. He brought that fight to her. With that in mind and how I felt about the whole thing, I'd say maybe, maybe, the title of the story would be focused better when you also include that tragic fate of her, because after all that havoc, the drama brings the depth and is the game. And, I mean that without losing the genre completely of course: The Fate of Blood something… just a little more in direction of the tragic momentum of the story. 'Stain' is too cold to characterize the full movie imo. It deserves more specificity, a more proper characterization. But that's upon you of course.

Well, I hope you can take some praise ;-)

Very interesting.

Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 22nd, 2019, 5:08am Report to Moderator

Shakespeare's county
Posts Per Day
Hi Victor

I enjoyed this, it had a real feel of humanity to it. The characters were distinct, the story was interesting and moved along at a nice pace.

You are missing your FADE IN and FADE OUT for some reason.

The read flowed pretty nicely until page 7 - there's a lot of black ink there. I know it's an action-heavy segment of the script, but a lot of those words can be cut down and the larger blocks can be broken down into smaller ones.

At the end you switch to what the protag is seeing and feeling "She feels the back of her collar get pulled" - Not sure why you do this, stick to what we see, the viewer/reader. We can't feel her collar get pulled, we can only see it.

"She sees another fist drive down her face, her vision getting blurrier". Again, why not tell it as we see it? We also can't see her vision getting blurry unless you intend for this to be a POV.
If that's the case I would suggest you format it as a POV. That way we know we are looking at this through her eyes, so you can do away with all the "she see's" and just tell us "he punches her in the face"

I feel a little unsatisfied with the ending. Like I have just eaten a starter but there's no main course. Who is this guy? who has he killed?

Anyway, top job. Good luck with it.


Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
Posted: August 29th, 2019, 10:07am Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day

This is a great short script. Right into the heart of it.

Been a few months, so don't know if you are still playing with this, but my thoughts:

- Is this his hotel room? Is it possible for Rami to find something before he bursts in that signals the coming conflict?
- Maybe I missed something in the read, but I didn't quite understand what he wanted Rami to do. Take the fall for what he did?
- Did you consider having her taken as a hostage? Now Rami is conflicted that she needs to get out alive, but because she is undocumented, could be deported by the (rescueing) police.

Fun to read. Thank you.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006