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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Romantic Comedy Scripts  ›  Surprise-Surprise
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  Author    Surprise-Surprise  (currently 769 views)
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 10:23am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Surprise-Surprise by Marcus "BOZ" Walton - Short, Rom Com - A surprise secret could tear this family apart. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Bowden, Alberta
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I didn't see that one coming!  

Here are a few notes:

>A couple is hugged on a car in the lot of this Mansion.

I didn’t understand “is hugged on a car” and so it stalled me out.

The following seemed to appear out of the blue.

>Alana has roses in her hand as well.

>Tony and Alana puts on their best smile then opens the door.

Make it:

They put on their best smiles then open the door.

>Mark and Janice are smiling.

A repeat of the smile action.

Why does Alana have roses?

Nobody is messing with my babies job.


>ALANA (to Janice)
Have you two been intimate? This question catches them off guard but Mark doesn’t seem to mind. Janice quickly sips her champagne.

I felt this was not realistic, but after reading the whole thing, I think you were going for that affect-- where people are going, "Really!"

One of my first notes:

At the table, they are talking like Janice isn’t there.

But now I realize that she simply couldn’t hardly speak.

Nicely done. Just work out a few of the kinks. A bit of grammar, odd turns of phrase etc, but the story is good.  

A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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