A little more studying/researching is needed I feel.
Your opening slug says INT. but your description of it puts us outside.
You also need to set this scene up visually, what are the warehouses like? old/new? big/small? - your logline says this is about a warehouse burglary so a description of the outside would help - For example, if the warehouse is old, falling apart with a company name above the shutters of "Sofas-R-Us" that would set a different tone than if the warehouse was brand new, full of security cameras, barbed wire fenced with a "Bio-Life Pharmaceutical" brand name above the shutters - See what I mean?
Above your super you need a new slug, even though it is the same location, time has passed. You also don't need SAME LOCATION in your super - you don't want the viewer to read that, they can see with their eyes.
Do you need the super at all? Your new slug can indicate to the potential filmmaker that time has passed "EXT. WAREHOUSE - 10 MINUTES LATER" - but the viewer can use his common sense since the police have now shown up.
John and Jonas - those names are too similar, can confuse the reader about who is saying what.
Your parentheticals are unneeded. Your description indicates they are speaking in hushed tones so we don't need the (Whispers).
An air unit? would a police force send an air unit (which is expensive) when they suspect it's just kids? - doesn't ring true.
you overuse ellipsis (...) and don't use them correctly - I would suggest reading up on them so you can use them effectively.
"rest of the backup..." who else is coming? why are they making such a big deal of this when, at the moment, it seems like an ordinary break-in? - Maybe if we had an indication of what was in this warehouse it could be more believable (weapons/drugs/cash) but we don't (See how I tied that into my first point above?
The dialogue doesn't seem too natural to me - not the worst I have seen by any means, but it could use work.
INT WAREHOUSE - SAME - NIGHT
you need a period after INT. you don't need "SAME". if you wanted to, you can use CONTINUOUS instead of NIGHT, as we are following the characters from the previous location into this one.
That POV seems entirely pointless. It doesn't add anything to the story and so just comes across as you trying to direct what the shot looks like. As I am under the impression this is a Spec script, Just stick to telling us what we see, not how we see it (unless it is completely necessary for story purposes)
6 Dwarfs? ha! I wasn't expecting that at all - I love it when I come across something I wasn't expecting - Good job. There are 6 of them though, and they have lines, so I would give them names rather than numbers - You could give them descriptive names rather than actual names like - Fat Dwarf, Ginger Dwarf...
EXT. WAREHOUSE ROOF - SAME NIGHT
You don't need same night - To be honest, you could just leave it blank "EXT. WAREHOUSE ROOF" it is blindingly obvious it is the same night.
Another unneeded POV from the helicopter. Using good descriptions of the scenes will automatically give the reader a POV of how the scene is played out, without having to use POV. E.G "A helicopter circles above the warehouse. Its powerful halogen searchlight scans the warehouse roof" - picturing it in my mind, I'm seeing the helicopter first, then I'm putting myself IN the helicopter looking down at the searchlight - does that make sense?
BACK TO SCENE: INT. WAREHOUSE - SAME NIGHT
If you use BACK TO SCENE you don't need to put the slug next to it. BACK TO SCENE takes us back to the scene we were in before we were pulled out of it.
A movie set - why did it take the director so long to shout cut? obviously, the scene was not playing out properly as soon as these guys entered?
(throwing up his hands)
You don't wanna be putting minor actor actions in parentheticals - Again I would research these on their proper use.
OK I got to the end;
I like the story, I thought it was clever - I was excited at the unexpected dwarfs, disappointed it seemed like a movie set, but the twist brought it back - Good work.
The execution of it needs a lot of work however - The twist is great, the way you deliver that twist to the audience is terrible. A news report literally spoon feeding me the twist?, come on, you can be more creative than that. Reveal the twist to us at the same time it is revealed to the characters. Show me the moment it goes from faux film set to actual robbery, don't tell me.
This short is also too long - You can cut a lot, especially the long scene of the director whinging that his set is ruined and convincing the guys to become extras for the film.
This needs a lot of work - But it will be worth it in the end as you could have something here.
Couple more things:
- Look of for "ing" ending words and change them up if necessary - for example
"A security guard JONAS checking locks" - Should be "...checks the locks"
"wearing minerï¿½s hats are moving numerous boxes and placing them in stacks around the warehouse." - should be "wear...move...place" - change up those "Ing" words
- Suddenly - get rid of these, unneeded words.
Good luck to you