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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Dreaming Of An Old Tomorrow
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  Author    Dreaming Of An Old Tomorrow  (currently 67 views)
Posted: March 7th, 2019, 5:32pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Dreaming Of An Old Tomorrow by Scott Nelson - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A young boy stumbles upon an old tank, and a finds a mysterious new friend, only to find an unexpected connection between the two. 11 pages - pdf format

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Posted: March 9th, 2019, 2:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Not quite sure what to think about this one. Feel like I missed the changover that the 'shimmer' represented; maybe I need to read it again.

If it's a fantasy piece (which it essentially is), I feel there needs to be more work done to build the wonder of the world.

I found the dialogue jarring (too adult-like for kids of 10), the reasoning for the tanks being there (without a world of fantasuy built, I'm spending too much time trying tying to explain it), and the change to the moral lesson (represented by the 'shimmer') feels inorganic.

Would be keen to hear your thoughts on what you're going for here, as that may clear up some of my comments / questions.

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