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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Hounds: The Bladed Glove Story Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hounds: The Bladed Glove Story  (currently 108 views)
Don
Posted: March 24th, 2019, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hounds: The Bladed Glove Story by Lukas Rozkovec - Action, Adventure, War, Horror, Thriller - In the depths of Vietnamese jungle in 1967, an elite Marine squad codenamed Hounds encounters the paranormal whereupon the marines battle a war against rogue American troops as well as a mysterious arch-devil.  130 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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JayF
Posted: March 28th, 2019, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Lukas. Hope all is well.

Took an initial look at your script. My comments:

I like the logline. Interesting premise. "War is Hell" as they say, and (I assume) you are attempting to personify that by introducing an arch-devil into the mix. This is also something that intrigues me by mixing genres - war, horror(?), occult.

That being said, I have only attempted to read the first 10ish pages. My first read, I had a lot of difficulty following the story. The war scene is one of chaos, and although this chaos should bleed into the pacing and action description, I think you've taken it too far and lost me. I read it a second time, knowing the storyline, and was able to pick up more of the details.

Also, it is a better technique to use description instead of CAMERA POV. For example:

Page 2 -
CAMERA remains tilted up.
CAMERA'S POV: "HUEY" HELICOPTER SOARS STILL IN THE CARMINE
DUSK SKY. FIRED MACHINE GUN BRASS FALLS ON THE LENS WITH
CALVARY INFANTRYMEN RAPPELING DOWN. BLOOD RAINS ON THE LENS
AS A SHOT SOLDIER CRASHES DOWN FROM THE ROPE INTO THE CAMERA.

instead?......

High above, a Huey chopper hovers in the red, dusky sky. Spent machine gun brass rains down on several cavalry infantrymen rappeling down from above. One of them is coming down too fast. Blood erupting from gaping bullets wounds. His lifeless body lands with a DULL THUMP.

Hope that helps. Keep at it.
Cheers
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