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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  Blade Man
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  Author    Blade Man  (currently 129 views)
Don
Posted: May 30th, 2019, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
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Blade Man by Samuel Lamayo - Short, Action, Adventure - A teen named Howard,once dreamt of a new experience,is now set on a mission to bring vengeance to his family. 24 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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eldave1
Posted: May 30th, 2019, 10:55am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Samuel - opened this. Just from the first 1/3rd page I'd recommend that you do some clean-up.


Quoted Text
INT.EVANS' HOUSE MORNING
HOWARD'S ROOM


Should be:

INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MORNING


Quoted Text
HOWARD EVANS wakes up in the morning from the bed.


Don't need in the morning - it's in the header already. Give us an age an a description - this is your main character. e.g., something like:

HOWARD EVANS (30), stirs awake. He has a thick build, balding hair.

Whatever - let's us see him as you do.


Quoted Text
He fixes his bed; Take a bath, and dress up.


You can't do this - that's two or three different scenes. You could not reference them at all and just show him in the next scene showered and dressed - but you can't do it the way you did.

Also - should be dresses.


Quoted Text
MARIA EVANS(HOWARD EVANS' mother) calls him for breakfast.


Delete Howard's Mother - it's an unfilmable. Just have him refer to him as Mom later.


Quoted Text
HOWARD EVANS (V.O)
This is my daily life. As you can
see,I love my family,My
mom,Maria,My dad,Brian,who
unfortunately died a few years
ago.Fun fact,when my father is the
most wealthiest man in the
ciry.Still,there's mom to support
me.But I want to be something
else,something different.


Riddled with typos and grammar errors. Almost every line.

Check out Grammerly - it's a free tool.

Hope this helps. Best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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