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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Dark Birth
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  Author    Dark Birth  (currently 166 views)
Don
Posted: May 31st, 2019, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dark Birth by Simon Parker - Short, Horror - A wealthy couple out on date night come to the aid of a teenage girl giving birth in the back of a van, but what she gives birth to isn't human. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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bert
Posted: June 1st, 2019, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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The logline grabbed me straight away, but this script takes a great concept and spools it out in the most straightforward manner possible.  That is, the storyline that popped into my head, immediately and unbidden, is the exact storyline this script delivers.  No curveballs, and no real suspense.

The author is encouraged to take this A+ pitch back to the drawing board and build it up from scratch.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Fais85
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 4:34am Report to Moderator
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I agree with Bert. Great logline but poorly executed script.
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JohnLopiccolo
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Good idea.  I can see this being a scene in a horror movie.  As it is right now though, there isn't really any build up or anything that creates suspense.  It's more of a "shock ending" right now.  The set-up, the surprise, the end.  There's nothing scary until the creature is born and once that happens, it's over.  

Just me, but I always subscribe to what isn't shown to be the scariest.  At the end, instead of having the creature be born and show the attack, maybe try creating tension by not having the creature seen.  You could have a brief glimpse of the head as it starts to crown (exit the body) so we can see that it's not a human child.  Then have Mario close the door and the van begins to violently shake back and forth as blood splatter blackens the windows.


Just some thoughts on what you have written already.

From what I've been told, things like CUT TO and FADE IN/OUT aren't necessary in Spec Scripts.  That's something you'd see in production copies.

The second scene heading really shouldn't be the same as the previous scene.   I would suggest changing that to EXT.  VAN - NIGHT

Also, remember to proofread.  Shouldn't Laura be saying "We can't just leave her out here" ?


Quoted Text
Tim and Laura follow them. Tim grabs a hold of Laura.
TIM
What can we do?
LAURA
I just leave her out here. Look how
young she is.


Also be careful of incomplete sentences.  They tend to jolt the reader out of the experience.   I saw things similar to this a few times.


Quoted Text
Laura drops down on the floor beside her. Stroke Luna’s hair
and holds her hand. Tries to be comforting.


"Strokes Luna's hair...." should be like "She strokes Luna's hair while holding her hand."
"Tries to be comforting" should be conveyed through action/dialogue.  

Also, Characters (in general) shouldn't have similar names because it can confuse the reader.  Laura and Luna  both start and end with the same letter.  They not only look similar, but sound similar due to the beginning/ending sounds of the name.

Like Bert said, I'd take a stab at writing this again and focus on creating the atmosphere and tension.  That way when the scare happens, it has the intended effect.
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