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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Shortcomings of Mankind Moderators: bert
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  Author    Shortcomings of Mankind  (currently 224 views)
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 2:55pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Shortcomings of Mankind by Macbeth Malekutu - Drama - Monet after slaughtering her scornful boyfriends, is trying to save her shit-stirrer homeless, vituperative, pejorative father (Lee Jones) by getting married to well-heeled abusive guys, to extort lolly from them and they venture to another heist with Sylvia who steal all money from them for her twin daughters to get kidney transplant surgery. 99 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

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Posted: June 24th, 2019, 10:37pm Report to Moderator

I am a writer first and a critic second.

"On the road to Rome."
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@Macbeth Malekutu

With your script here, there's no sense in dissecting them into their elements.  It's 100% amateur (which you are, so it's not a knock) but.. your writing strikes me as the writing of somebody who has never picked up a book or went online and took the time to learn how to write a script properly. There is a reason that we do things a certain way, it's been tested and it works. By not simply putting in the effort, you are asking us to put in extra effort.

Do you see how this is wrong and lazy? The problem is there's too much that could be said about your script and reviewers might wonder where to begin, as I do myself.  There's just so much wrong here.  A lot of things jumped out as being outside the realm of normal convention or as underdeveloped or involving outright goofups that beginning screenwriters often tend to unleash.

I had to stop reading after pg7, started skimming, due to the fact that I was reading a so-so novel masquerading as a screenplay.  Any professional reader would have done the same -it's over-written.  Over-written to the point is it distracting and taking away from the story you want to tell.  This feels a lot like you're not really focused on the core of your story. It meanders all over the place.  You're treading water forever here. That and bouncing around from to scene to scene with very little push in the actual story.  

I see a lot of "voice," but voice won't make it to the screen... and neither will the scene on pg5.  No one will ever film that scene.  It will never see the light of day.  Hard to imagine anything being too offensive these days but I'm not joshing... it is offensive, distasteful.  It needs to go - pronto.  

I found myself using google a lot.  I actually had to google this "french letter."  Bodges???

See the problem is, it's not just a case of reading a screenwriting book. Your actual writing is also the problem.  English may not be your first language but that's no excuse. At your current level, you're not ready.  You write prose and the prose isn't right. Hence why you need to start at the beginning.  Creative writing.  Short stories.  Take a course. Put screenwriting on the backburner for now. Then, once you got the basics down, come back here with a vengeance.  And with the best damn script you've ever written.







"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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_ghostwriters  -  June 25th, 2019, 1:58am
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Posted: June 25th, 2019, 1:43am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

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There is so much wrong with the logline, I'm honestly surprised that somebody actually opened the script.

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