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Quite an apt title. The overall story was not bad given the title. As a story, itís like two stories in one. It does meet the objective. Easy enough to read. I think it would be better to focus on the first story and lengthen that to five pages. I also like the ending.
"FLOCK AND TOOK OFF" - what's that? I guess you were against the time and missed this when checking.
RACHEL Well, why the hell didnít you sell it back then? Instead of getting into trouble with that street gang? Christ, Lenny...
On the nose territory
Seems like a lot of dialogue in this for an action script...
BRENT Oh, is that right? Iím not the one who did time for armed robbery.
You have told us a lot about Lenny's background in dialogue... just got out of prison, messing with a street gang, did the warehouse, did time for armed robbery - it's too much repetitive exposition.
Some of this dialogue is so cringe...
OFFICER TWO Time to take out the trash.
Does anyone say that? It would be good for a comedy, but this ain't a comedy
Jeez - more people with bigger guns lol
and we end on a BOOM.
I see what you are doing with this - although it's not quite a circle, the greed doesn't tie back to our original characters other than the card being shredded - so would have been nice if it did come full circle.
The scenario is absurd and over the top - that's not a bad thing BTW - but it felt like you were trying to control it - you should have let it go and go really over the top comedic absurd with the underlying message of greed - might have made for a better read.
Decent effort, dialogue not great and way too much of it - needs a different tone throughout to work. Good effort writer
This one is just a bit of a mess. I think you had a pretty decent idea to start with, and then it just devolves into a series of coincidences, with another group showing up to kill the group that showed up before them. Iíd rather you had stayed with just the siblings and focused on them and developed a story out of that. As it stood, I think you just kept bring in these random groups to try and satisfy the action element. With a limited number of pages, that hurts the story by bring on new characters every half page.
Honestly, the writing a tad rough here, as if written in a hurry to get in before the deadline. I think the story loses focus because of that. Iíll give you credit for meeting the challenge parameters, but Iím afraid the story itself will drag this score down a bit.
Best of luck, Gary
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
in the middle of the page Not sure where to assign this to or why it is capped anyway; possibly dialogue, no clue-
p2 The dialogue is a little heavy on exposition.
p3 "You said he was dead." Just a quick example - The dialog is extremely expository. I actually realize that you have a lot of back story and things have meat and substance but they just talk about it yet.
However, I'm still on boardÖ let's see what act three does.
Interesting turn Ė you take a lot of risks there, appreciated. I like such kind of non-linear telling; far better entertainment than the same old 101.
There were some weaknesses with the set-up that I addressed above. The back story simply needs a better delivery other than talk.
However, I like your overall proceedings in this truly unexpected second half of the script. Pretty okay, why not.
Not bad as a parable of what happens to greedy people, but its episodic nature weakens the story. Five pages is too short to develop even one set of characters and their story, much less three sets of characters (four if you count the hapless white youths). Wish I knew who FLOCK AND TOOK OFF is, but good thing s/he left cause thereís no room left in this church. All of the dialogue between Lenny and Rachel, then with Brent joining in, slows everything down. Backstory can be important, but it would be better if itís worked in simultaneously with action.
This might have worked if you stayed with the original story - the one about the couple and the man's brother.
Or, if you had stayed with the original idea and really gone for it. What I mean, is, create a real circle of greed, where each part of the circle is intricately connected to the other. As it sits, it reads like a series of coincidences.
There's an idea here. I'd encourage really taking everyone's notes to heart... and then taking another couple of runs at this. Definitely worth exploring to get right.
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
A quick and easy read but something seemed a bit off. Others have already picked the OTN and the 'Flock', so no more there. Great attempt at cascading or escalating greed and mistrust. Kind of 'A Card and Six Smoking Barrels'.
Formatting mistake with the early dialogue. These people talk too much. One chatterbox is fine as a character trait, but this is just dumping exposition. How many groups of ne'er-do-wells can arrive in the same place in the same five pages? I've seen this outcome used before, where the thing they're fighting about gets destroyed. Not sure it's common enough to be considered a trope, but it fits well here. A good try.