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Personally if you are going to describe, and have action, in various parts of a large location - I would use mini-slugs to take us there
INT. GOTHIC CHURCH - DAY
Describe the church. above this is the
That's just me, I could be talking out of my arse to be honest
This could be a cute story - which is an odd thing to say about action - but it didn't quite hit it.
There was no tension for me, no moment where I thought Dennis was going to lose - Rooster was too good - It needs that small fall and rise moment.
Marvin's turn around is too abrupt - the emotion should be heightened here - maybe his card means something to him, but he doesn't show it because his walls are up (Bully's are rarely bully's for the sake of it - they have feelings too) - but when he loses the card, his walls break down, then kindness from Dennis as Marvin walks off crying - I dunno, it just needs something else.
If you want Dennis to be our protag, I would lose this line to be honest
The fight between the two holograms(?) could be longer and better - a bit of back and forth - you had an extra page and a half to play with.
Overall a decent attempt but needs more to really grab us
This is weirdly good and bad writing. Some really beautiful descriptions and other parts that are choppy and jarring. Maybe a rush job?
I like the premise. Great use of trading cards. The tone should match the target audience, namely youth, so drop the f-bomb.
I never once felt that Dennis and Rooster were in danger of losing. There's no setup to suggest he's outmatched, there's no wrong turn by Rooster, no show of superior strength by Gambit. The stakes weren't high because Dennis wasn't really in danger of losing his precious card. The action was good, but without stakes it's flat.
Otherwise I enjoyed it quite a bit. It would be a good little short with some work.
Well, it’s no Karate Kid 4 but it’s a fun little story. Met all the parameters, and effective use of the cards as well.
Not too keen on the ending — you still had a page and a half to work with, so why not develop the ending a little more. I don’t buy Marvin’s change of heart. He needs to be shown the door with his tail tucked between his legs.
The writing is a bit hit and miss for me and needs a cleanup. But loved the log line and would like to see this played out in a bigger story.
Best of luck, Gary
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Good action in this story about two kids who let their holographic pals fight it out in a game that combines hockey and baseball gear. The Rooster and Fox maneuver on electrostatic fields. Why does a video image need this field? It’s not a real physical presence.
In the initial verbal exchange, Marvin comes off as a real jackass. I can understand a 10-year-old being hesitant to throw down on a bigger 12-year-old, but a guy just can’t take this kind of insult to his late father. At the least he would have fired his own verbal salvo along the lines of “Has your daddy stopped beating on you?”
At the end, Marvin’s learned his lesson, but his “I’m sorry” signals a total surrender. I think the best a bully like Marvin would come up with is something like “Well, at least you’re not a total nerd.”
The concept, in regards to the holographic animal sports figures, is intriguing. Everything else is pretty much a mess. The action and dialog is a chore to read and get through without becoming distracted to think of what was intended.
"Rooster's skin is violet. He has a hockey stick in hand and a sly expression on his face. He wears ice skates with attached blades that glide over the floor through an electrostatic field, as on actual ice. With his free claw, he strokes over his bright red comb." -- Try to imagine what you're describing: A hockey stick in one hand; skates on his 'feet'; yet he has a free claw to stroke his comb? Are his wings arms with hands? And what would ice skates be without attached blades? Boots.
Not a total loss, though, because I do like the concept.
I liked the central premise here: two kids use holographic "battle" cards to settle a difference.
The story around it is interesting enough, too.
But, you made it all WAY too easy. The challenge is too easily accepted. The battle is one exchange of fire, the outcome never in doubt. The bully turns into a nice kid with one loss.
Consequently, there's no feeling of triumph, which a story like this needs.
If you continue to explore this idea, think conflict, conflict, conflict. Make it impossible for Dennis to accept (he has too much to lose), but impossible for him to decline. Still, he accepts. Then, make loss a real possibility. Inevitable, even. But, he wins. Then, Marvin isn't going to honor the deal, until Dennis - or Rooster (by way of Dennis) - does/says something that changes Marvin's view of Dennis. (You have this, but, it's too easy. Make it come harder.)
Good luck, and enjoy the rewrite. This one should be fun!
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
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