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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Dan & Stan vs. School Vampire Nest Moderators: bert
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  Author    Dan & Stan vs. School Vampire Nest  (currently 178 views)
Don
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dan & Stan vs. School - Vampire Nest by Xavier Gonzalez - Series, Comedy, Animated - Dan and Stan are two high school students who often find themselves dealing with odd situations at school.  Today it happens to be vampires.  21 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Dustin
Posted: July 1st, 2019, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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I think you're young. If so, you should stick around here and learn something... well, a lot. Create an account and make yourself known.


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leitskev
Posted: July 1st, 2019, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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This is actually one of the most brilliant scripts I've seen here. It's freaking incredible. Real talent. Wish I could borrow it on weekends or something.

I found 3 spelling mistakes. Not even worth mentioning, you'll find them.

Obviously you have used a different format than people are used to. Sadly, that means they will stop reading after one or two lines.

Every part of this story was funny. The dialog is perfectly written for what you're trying to do. I began laughing when Stan sprayed the janitor with garlic oil and then never stopped.

There was a clear goal: rescue Stan.

Dan and Stan had distinct voices and characters.

Obviously this is not designed for an Oscar. It's designed to be entertaining, which is VERY hard to do.

If Dustin is right and you are young, then wow, what a future you have.

But even if not, great work.

Do you know an illustrator? This would go great in comic book or graphic art form.

Shame that people will dismiss it here because of the different format....which really isn't that different. It reads clean and easy, no idea why that would be an issue. Hope people give it a chance.
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Angry Bear
Posted: July 1st, 2019, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Popped this one open and I remember the first time I encountered this type of format. It was for TV and apparently that is how some TV scripts are written. Not sure if it's old style or current, but plenty of people complained and were corrected by others that this was the norm.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 5:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
Popped this one open and I remember the first time I encountered this type of format. It was for TV and apparently that is how some TV scripts are written. Not sure if it's old style or current, but plenty of people complained and were corrected by others that this was the norm.


The BBC has some handy formatting guides on their website - well, I found them handy anyway. The link below is their suggested format for a TV sitcom (US) with live audience. Looks like this one has been formatted using this style

http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/scripts/threecamera.pdf

EDIT: I posted the wrong link, corrected now



Revision History (1 edits)
Matthew Taylor  -  July 2nd, 2019, 6:13am
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leitskev
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Matt

I could tell it was some different format that I had seen somewhere. For me, and more importantly I think, for people who make movies, this format stuff is irrelevant. Someone could invent a new format, and if it looks competent, is easy and clear to read, it shouldn't matter.

Hopefully the writer chimes in at some point. If it's a goal to recruit talented writers to this forum, give this kid the welcome.

There are ways the story could be improved. There's virtually no description of the two main characters. But it's even debatable whether that matters, because any description that slows down the reader on page one makes the reader more likely to stop reading unless this is an established writer.

I am in the middle of writing a YA novel, so I've glanced at the opening chapters of quite a few over the last 6 months. The humor here crackles. I wish I was an artist, I'd offer to illustrate. We read 20 challenge comedies a few weeks ago and I didn't laugh once. Here I laughed the whole ride.
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