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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Onion Witch
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Don
Posted: July 7th, 2019, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Onion Witch by Rob Herzog - Short, Horror - A man must retrieve his wife's soul from a witch--or else. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Arundel
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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Hello,

Didn't really get this but has a Tales from the Crypt/Are You Afraid of the Dark feel to it. Had to search drywall stilts but they are what I figured. Married couple was likable, Onion Which was described well, but the scene with Paul in the shop wasn't attention-grabbing enough. Not suggesting it has to be over the top with bells and whistles but... more suspense? Fear? The witch just knowing that Paul was married to Ashley seemed like a quick way to wrap things up. Ending was ok but kept thinking that which would become younger and Paul would be smitten with her or something like that.
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Kevin_S
Posted: July 9th, 2019, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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Hello,

I like the premise.   What about she steals the egg? Or did she do it out of influence from the witch? Her husband notices her strange behavior but she’s oblivious to it. It sits in their bedroom glowing . When he knicks himself shaving , she starts kissing his boo boo , then takes a tiny lick of his blood . Tasty. She asks to shave him. She gashes him under his chin to get a bigger taste. He pushes her away and she cackles like a witch.  She tells him breakfast in ten.  Some kind of breakfast casserole . He hollers for fluffy the cat. No answer.  Takes a big bite and chomps on metal. Spits out fluffy’s nametag .  His wife is eating like a crazed goat. Shoveling it in with her hands. He goes to empty his plate in the garbage and sees a filleted Fluffy.   He takes the egg back to the shop.  The witch tells him  she’ll turn it off if he agrees to breed her on the next full moon.  Tells him it will help her be beautiful again.  She’s  so hideous he gags as he kisses on her.  He gets its done. Rushes home to see his wife . He goes in she’s sleeping .  He kisses on her and she wakes up screaming.  He jumps back. She pulls a gun out the night stand and shoots him. He stumbles into the bathroom  and sees a stranger in the mirror . It’s him except he took the witches hideous features. Boils , warts, old leathery skin. Sunk in eyes. Crusty lips.  His wife comes in the bathroom and finishes him off . She’s on the phone with 911. Tells them her husband is not home and the perp is prolly dead.

Don’t take me telling you these ideas that yours is bad. I can’t give you professional advice because I’m a green horn .  If none of my ideas work for you hopefully they will give you an idea for something better.  

Thanks for sharing and all the best !
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