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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Mission Dumped
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Don
Posted: July 18th, 2019, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mission Dumped by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - Sending his younger brother to break up with yet another of his short term girlfriends, his brother just might have found a girl for himself. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Arundel
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Well, you're sure giving guys hope that it's this easy! Lol. How does Olivia know that Harry is Logan's younger brother, and how does she know what he is about to do? Liked the dynamic between the two brothers. A few typos in the dialog.
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Megn
Posted: July 27th, 2019, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Butterfly screenwriter that can't spell impossible

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In summary:
plot requires more obstacle;
try getting into scenes late and out of scenes early (your audience can fill in the blanks);
try to have character emotions or motives at whatever particular point in time drive their dialogue and;
avoid redundant dialogue and information.  

Examples:
Page 1.
If you start 1st scene with Harry waving smoke out the window, audience will get that he must've been smoking. This also gets Harry to the struggle at the door quicker (and that's tension).  

Page 2.
Harry calls Logan a pig and expresses hatred for Logan on page 2 then repeats same on page 4 this time to Olivia.  Might it be better to just have his hatred come out on page 4 only, that way you're building toward something as opposed to exposing his hatred early?

Bottom of page (dialogue by character emotion) - if Olivia is aware and suspicious of Harry, do you think maybe she'd rather say something like "You must be Harry, Logan's little brother.  You tell him he's gotta do this to my face."?  And this way you've got early obstacle (Harry's to dump her. She demands Logan does it not Harry.)

Page 3.
Lack of tension.  I think if you have more tension with Harry and Olivia going back and forth before he dumps her for Logan, that would really make your payoff on page 4 more rewarding. It can also flesh out Olivia a little bit more.

Page 4.
Only thing is it might be more abrupt and arresting and unpredictable if she kisses Harry right after he says he's nothing like brother.

What I loved:
Page 4 is awesome!!!  
I did not know one could smoke weed with a vape pen.  Wow.  Very interesting.  I learned something today.
I liked the concept.
I liked the setting (a cafe and then a park bench).  
I liked the character of Harry.

Hope this helped.  Best of luck.




    


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Megn  -  July 27th, 2019, 3:44pm
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Dustin
Posted: July 28th, 2019, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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I have a dry herb vape... but it is also possible to make liquid THC using certain chemicals like PEG, VG and PG. The PEG is the most important as that is the one that stops the oil from breaking up in the liquid. Oils usually separate from liquids... and vapes are about liquids. You can also buy vape pens that are for oil... but if you want stealth, then you can either mix up your own or buy ready-made carts from retailers.

You can buy them here in the UK too but you can't buy just one. You have to spend a couple hundred.

Anyway, onto the story. Very basic. Errors introduced later no doubt as the vape pen you were tugging on heated up to max. Too easy, too. Might get made by a 1st year student as it is easy to produce... but I wouldn't show it to anybody.

Good luck.


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