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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Sketchy Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 5th, 2019, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sketchy by Martin Javens - Series, Comedy - Sketchy is a "laugh a minute' comedic sketch show based on strong comedic characters and scenarios. 22 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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MartinJ
Posted: September 5th, 2019, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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If any of you guys/gals across the pond aren't sure about some of the references within the jokes I am happy to explain. I am English and this script is written in very English humour so if you just don't get it I'll be happy to take some stick from you all. If any of you are familiar with modern English sketch shows hopefully this will be for you.
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MartinJ
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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I would post this in the script exchange section but it seems it is used little. I must admit getting zero feedback is a little disillusioning. Hopefully my last comment hasn't put any of you off.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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It is always a good idea to post in the script exchange - It's by no means unused.

It is also a good idea to practice patience around here. Your script has only been up for 6 days, a lot of scripts receive 0 replies - It's all about putting into the site, to get the most out of it.

Reading and commenting on others works may (or may not) get you return reads - being active in the community may attract the attention of regulars who believe you are deserving of a review.

But do remember, no one here is entitled to reviews - It's a community made of writers who, for free and in their spare time, sometimes read and review.

So be patient, get involved, maybe receive reviews  


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Read the teaser - notes below

Why is the character name in the slug in brackets - (Go Pro Guy) - Is this a formatting thing I don't know about? - Don't know what purpose it serves.


Quoted Text
(1)Go Pro Guy is riding his mountain bike adventurously over a
countryside trail. The viewer watches as the bike traverses
over the treacherous terrain via a camera attached to the
handlebars of the bike, as if watching the ride via a
recording Go Pro. (2) After a minute or so of treacherous and
action-filled riding, the bike goes over a blind crest. (3) Once
over the crest a fornicating couple appears in the middle of
the trail. A male lies on top of the female bare-bottomed,
blocking Go Pro Guy from going any further.


This is your opening paragraph - I have corrected the spelling errors and underlined them above so you know which ones they are. Always best to spell check your work when you present it for consideration - It may seem petty, but from my POV, if a writer neglects to check for spelling, what have they neglected in the story - put your best foot forward, give readers no excuses.

First off - this opening passage is too long - aim for 4 lines max, less is better if you can. Tell as much as you can, in as few words as possible.

(1) Go Pro Guy is not introduced properly - but you don't need to mention him at all at this point, as we can't see him - all we can see is the POV of the GoPro camera attached to the front - Which, btw, you want to get the info out there quicker that that is what we are seeing.
Way overwritten, you use 4 lines to tell us we are on a bike traveling on a bike trail.

(2) A minute or so? If I start a program, and the first minute is just a Gopro of a guy on a bike, I'm switching over. Action filled riding? Too ambiguous, whats action-filled about it? does he get attacked by ninjas and has to dodge death stars? if so, I wanna know about it.

(3) Your sentences need work - you use too many words for what we get out of it, you double up on information "The bike goes over the crest - once over the crest" it's not needed and adds a lot of words.

Break that big opening block up. New action = new line. and remember that this is a blueprint to a movie (TV show), so write in the present, driving the action forward.


Quoted Text
EXT. MOUNTAIN BIKE TRAIL - DAY

POV GOPRO ON MOUNTAIN BIKE.

The camera shakes vigorously as the bike thunders
along a treacherous mountain path. It reaches the brow
of a hill and hurtles over--

--SCREECH. The bike brakes sharply to avoid a COUPLE
having sex in the middle of the trail.



That's my very quick example - much quicker and easier to read and keeps the action moving forward. If you wanted the bike ride to be longer on screen than my version, then describe the ride as it happens and not "he rides for a minute or so" - as in, "The bike skids round a tight corner and narrowly misses a felled tree..." describe it as it is happening, so the reader can picture the film as it is happening.

oh, when you introduce characters, they should be capped, like COUPLE in my example

The writing needs to be worked on before I can concentrate on the story. Should be easy enough to sort out in a rewrite.

you should also think about introducing yourself in the new member section if you haven't done so already  

Best of luck to ya



Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Matthew Taylor  -  September 11th, 2019, 10:17am
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MartinJ
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Ok thanks for the advice. I don't want to be too literal when talking about the ride, as not all trails are made equal if you get my drift. I don't think it's too hard to imagine what a bike traversing a mountain bike trail is like but I do get your point. I think overwriting a sketch as if it is a movie is not really what I am aiming for. The main exercise isn't to set an over-elaborate scene but to execute the delivery of the humour. The way I have wrote the opening paragraph makes me laugh more than your attempt, but thats just me. Maybe I'm just not that funny. But I'll never know as you never commented on this at all. But I do agree that my spelling is atrocious.

Thanks for your help
All the best
Martin

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
MartinJ  -  September 11th, 2019, 12:30pm
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eldave1
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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I echo Matthew's advice.

I found nothing funny about this. Maybe we have different sense if humor.

Also found it beyond credulity that a couple was screwing in the middle of the road


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MartinJ
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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For one, a mountain bike trail is usually in a wooded area, not the middle of the M25. And two Isn't comedy supposed to be expression of the absolutley ridiculous. Comedy has no boundaries. It shouldn't be restricted to what might or might not happen in one's persons world. There are also many other sketches if you had bothered to read them. Im trying to not to get arsey cause I understand everyone has a different opinion of what is funny, and I respect your decision wholly to not like this sketch.
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eldave1
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MartinJ
For one, a mountain bike trail is usually in a wooded area, not the middle of the M25. And two Isn't comedy supposed to be expression of the absolutley ridiculous. Comedy has no boundaries. It shouldn't be restricted to what might or might not happen in one's persons world. There are also many other sketches if you had bothered to read them. Im trying to not to get arsey cause I understand everyone has a different opinion of what is funny, and I respect your decision wholly to not like this sketch.


1. You are getting Arsey.
2. I read 16 pages then gave up. Wasn't funny to me. Maybe it will be to others.
3. Yes , I know the difference between a trail and a highway. Still found it unbelievable.  

That's just me. Maybe others will find it hilarious.  I didn't.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MartinJ
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Ok, thank you for your honesty. Any advice on how to improve it, or should I just scrap it. I mean it is not worth implementing Marks advice if it's just not funny

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MartinJ  -  September 11th, 2019, 5:17pm
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eldave1
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MartinJ
Ok, thank you for your honesty. Any ideas on how to improve it. Or should I just scrap it and start again. I mean it's not worth implementing Marks advice if it's just not funny.


Implement Mark's advice anyway.  It's just better writing.  Wait for others to weigh in. I'm just one opinion and I could be wrong.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MartinJ
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Ignore my last message. Thanks again for your honesty.
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eldave1
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MartinJ
Ignore my last message. Thanks again for your honesty


No problem


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MartinJ
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Much appreciated. Ta.
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LC
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Martin, I just started reviewing and lost it all. Ugh!

Short review:

I liked Barfly and I especially liked Helpless Helen. Definitely a few chuckles with her catastrophising reactions. Carnivorous Carl with a bit more tweaking, yes, very topical

There's lot of potential here heavily reliant on the physical comedy talents of the actors (as with a lot of comedy) and refining of some of the content. Simon Pegg, John Cleese, Ricky Gervais et al can just walk on stage and often make me laugh just looking at them.

This is true Brit humour. We Aussies have grown up with Monty Python, Benny Hill, The Two Ronnies etc., absurdist stuff, so I think it's more up our alley.

Tech wise, there's a ton of punctuation omissions and that nine-line opening can be tweaked easily enough.


P.S.
Quoted from eldave1
Implement Mark's advice anyway...

Mark? Who's Mark. I see auto-correct is getting its own way again. Or, I'm going balmy.

More later...



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  September 11th, 2019, 9:19pm
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