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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Hurt
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Don
Posted: September 5th, 2019, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Hurt by Dominick Ottone - Short, Drama - The Hurt is a short film about first love, and inevitably, first heartbreak. Damon, a young college student, meets the girl of his dreams and falls head over heels in love, but when it all comes crashing down, his step dad Jim is there to pick up the pieces of his heart and offer some frank advice about 'the hurt.'  6 pages - pdf format

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wordbreeders
Posted: September 5th, 2019, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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This was cute, and it touches on something one easily forgets, that feeling of first love and then losing it. The only thing I would maybe suggest, but it's not necessary, is to cut some of the VOs in the beginning as the story is pretty visual. Nice job.

Regards, Christine
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Marcela
Posted: Today, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Lovely style of writing, Dominick!
On page 2, when their conversation on the campus unfolds, Id like to hear much more of the dialogue to get the feel of what might have gone wrong. Perhaps she started looking down on him after he admitted to something shameful...
I found a few typos - possessive forms need an apostrophe - Girl's shirt, Damon's apartment...
It would be nice to have some kind of twist at the end, something unexpected, but that's always a difficult task.
The final action describing the son and dad talking is a bit too general, something that's okay in a novel but shouldn't be in a script.
Keep up good work,
Marcela


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