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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Hurt
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Don
Posted: September 5th, 2019, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Hurt by Dominick Ottone - Short, Drama - The Hurt is a short film about first love, and inevitably, first heartbreak. Damon, a young college student, meets the girl of his dreams and falls head over heels in love, but when it all comes crashing down, his step dad Jim is there to pick up the pieces of his heart and offer some frank advice about 'the hurt.'  6 pages - pdf format

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wordbreeders
Posted: September 5th, 2019, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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This was cute, and it touches on something one easily forgets, that feeling of first love and then losing it. The only thing I would maybe suggest, but it's not necessary, is to cut some of the VOs in the beginning as the story is pretty visual. Nice job.

Regards, Christine
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Marcela
Posted: September 15th, 2019, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Lovely style of writing, Dominick!
On page 2, when their conversation on the campus unfolds, Id like to hear much more of the dialogue to get the feel of what might have gone wrong. Perhaps she started looking down on him after he admitted to something shameful...
I found a few typos - possessive forms need an apostrophe - Girl's shirt, Damon's apartment...
It would be nice to have some kind of twist at the end, something unexpected, but that's always a difficult task.
The final action describing the son and dad talking is a bit too general, something that's okay in a novel but shouldn't be in a script.
Keep up good work,
Marcela


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Kevin_S
Posted: September 15th, 2019, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey man,

A decent little story.  If Jim told me the hurt was the best part.  I would ask
him to give me two of what he's taking.  I get what he's trying to do for Damon.  We've all tried to comfort someone going through it.

I just know when I had my heart ripped out of my chest.  If one of my friends or family said," Take it in. Enjoy that pain.  Savor it. Let it hurt as long as you can. When the hurt stops is the bad part."  I'd probably make them hurt with me. Then say, "Take it in. Enjoy the pain. Savor it. When the hurt stops is the bad part." lol.

All the best!

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Kevin_S  -  September 15th, 2019, 9:19pm
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