Matthew,
You're off to a decent start here, writing-wise. Sparse and descriptive - not too bad. Where you start off this script is a problem with all of the camera directions. Unless you're filming this yourself, they are completely unnecessary and almost made me stop reading because they get tedious. Then, like magic, they stopped!
Anyway, what you have here is hard to figure out because I have no clue what these people did to cause this much friction with Cam. I'm assuming it was a murder? Maybe? I dunno. I'm guessing you were just trying to ramp up some tension and use that alone to drive this story. It doesn't work. It needs a bit more meat on the bones, as they say. Without a "why" and a "what" I can't get a hold of what you're going for, and I have no backstory to follow along with. Then Cam's death might have made sense.
Hope I'm making sense here. And hope you show up to respond.
Steve |