SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 1st, 2025, 7:58pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.

NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressed written permission of the author.

New to SimplyScripts? - Tell us about yourself! | How does this discussion board work? - FAQs! | Submit Your Script
The answer to: Who wrote what script in the June 2025 One Week Challenge? <- click back there


The July 2025 One Week Challenge comes, soon.

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
Short Script of the Day | Featured Shorts Available for Production | Guidelines and Censorship | Produced Script Database | Oscar Winning Screenplays through the Ages | WGA Top 101 Screenplays

Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Sleeping In A Graveyard
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Sleeping In A Graveyard  (currently 796 views)
Don
Posted: December 3rd, 2019, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
17346
Posts Per Day
1.94
Sleeping In A Graveyard by Loraine McBarron - Short, Drama - When a male alcoholic is left with no place to go but a graveyard, will the elderly woman he encounters there be the catalyst for him to change? 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Dan_P
Posted: December 26th, 2019, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Bavaria
Posts
64
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hi Loraine,
I like the idea of an alcoholic having a possibly life-changing encounter in a graveyard, but I didn't feel like the encounter with the Elderly Woman was significant enough.

SPOILERS:

I think their conversation was too short and not poignant enough for Rodney to go to church in the end. Other people (his family, for example) have probably told him about AA already and apparently weren't able to persuade him.

Maybe if the woman had more advice, or a dramatic little story about her late husband's alcoholic life, Rodney's possible change of heart would feel more justified. I dunno, the scene didn't feel dramatic/meaningful enough to me. Like, this could be a more fateful encounter for the both of them.

It also felt a bit rushed, that the woman would mention Albert's drinking problem to a complete stranger, if she's "never told anyone this before..." Maybe there could be a better reason for her to open up to Rodney.

I really like the "They better have coffee." -bit, though. It makes for a simple, but hopeful ending, which works well, I think    Although it felt a bit off to me, that Rodney would heed the woman's advice, but then run away from her. All in all, their parting felt a bit unsatisfying.

There are some typos in dialogue and text, but those can easily be fixed  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
DBSeeker
Posted: January 6th, 2020, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
6
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hi Loraine. So I read your screenplay and first off I wanted to commend you for writing it and putting your art out there for us to read. It takes a lot of courage, so great job!

With that being said I would wholeheartedly agree with D_P so I'm not going to reiterate the specifics, (you can just refer to his notes).

May I ask how many produced/optioned screenplays you've read from page 1 to The End? If so, which ones? I'm just curious.

If you haven't, not suggesting you haven't but just saying in case you haven't, I would highly, highly recommend you do.

I'm certainly not a professional writer by any means and I still have a lot to learn but having read many of my favorite screenplays, it really boosted my confidence/understanding of flow, dialogue, description, creativity, and most important just good-ol story telling. To reach this level it's simply all about practice, practice, practice and reading a whole bunch of screenplays. I notice when I do what I'm preaching it truly inspires me to write and write better. Anyway, just a suggestion.

I would also suggest you start on a new idea/concept almost right away, but not having FIRST read a professional screenplay in a genre similar to yours for inspiration, (please read one that was well received). Of course make it your own. You'll be amazed how much better you'll write.

Again, I commend you for writing your screenplay. Build on your momentum and push yourself to keep writing hun
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on
Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006