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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Sleeping In A Graveyard
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Don
Posted: December 3rd, 2019, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sleeping In A Graveyard by Loraine McBarron - Short, Drama - When a male alcoholic is left with no place to go but a graveyard, will the elderly woman he encounters there be the catalyst for him to change? 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Dan_P
Posted: December 26th, 2019, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Loraine,
I like the idea of an alcoholic having a possibly life-changing encounter in a graveyard, but I didn't feel like the encounter with the Elderly Woman was significant enough.

SPOILERS:

I think their conversation was too short and not poignant enough for Rodney to go to church in the end. Other people (his family, for example) have probably told him about AA already and apparently weren't able to persuade him.

Maybe if the woman had more advice, or a dramatic little story about her late husband's alcoholic life, Rodney's possible change of heart would feel more justified. I dunno, the scene didn't feel dramatic/meaningful enough to me. Like, this could be a more fateful encounter for the both of them.

It also felt a bit rushed, that the woman would mention Albert's drinking problem to a complete stranger, if she's "never told anyone this before..." Maybe there could be a better reason for her to open up to Rodney.

I really like the "They better have coffee." -bit, though. It makes for a simple, but hopeful ending, which works well, I think    Although it felt a bit off to me, that Rodney would heed the woman's advice, but then run away from her. All in all, their parting felt a bit unsatisfying.

There are some typos in dialogue and text, but those can easily be fixed  
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DBSeeker
Posted: January 6th, 2020, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Loraine. So I read your screenplay and first off I wanted to commend you for writing it and putting your art out there for us to read. It takes a lot of courage, so great job!

With that being said I would wholeheartedly agree with D_P so I'm not going to reiterate the specifics, (you can just refer to his notes).

May I ask how many produced/optioned screenplays you've read from page 1 to The End? If so, which ones? I'm just curious.

If you haven't, not suggesting you haven't but just saying in case you haven't, I would highly, highly recommend you do.

I'm certainly not a professional writer by any means and I still have a lot to learn but having read many of my favorite screenplays, it really boosted my confidence/understanding of flow, dialogue, description, creativity, and most important just good-ol story telling. To reach this level it's simply all about practice, practice, practice and reading a whole bunch of screenplays. I notice when I do what I'm preaching it truly inspires me to write and write better. Anyway, just a suggestion.

I would also suggest you start on a new idea/concept almost right away, but not having FIRST read a professional screenplay in a genre similar to yours for inspiration, (please read one that was well received). Of course make it your own. You'll be amazed how much better you'll write.

Again, I commend you for writing your screenplay. Build on your momentum and push yourself to keep writing hun
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