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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Grandpa's Story
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  Author    Grandpa's Story  (currently 125 views)
Don
Posted: December 13th, 2019, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Grandpa's Story by Steven Sallie - Short, Drama - Eric, a 13-year-old who's less than thrilled with spending Christmas Eve at his grandparent's house, gets a different point of view on life after hearing a story from his grandfather.  12 pages - pdf format

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StevenClark
Posted: December 17th, 2019, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Steven,

I read this because I thought it was a Christmas story (says it in the logline) but there's no Christmas to be had here. If Christmas Eve is indeed when this takes place I kinda think you need to show it a little. I don't recall reading anything even remotely suggesting it's Christmas -- no tree, decorations. Nothing. Anyway...

It was a cute story and I do like the sentiment, but this reads rather pedestrian as there's nothing really happening here. Sure, I get what you were going for, but it needs some punch to it. Maybe Grandpa's story can have some kind of correlation to what Eric is going through, being a teen and all in 2019. It needs some kind of hook.

It's up to you, dude. And trim, trim, trim. This could have easily clocked in at 9 pages instead of 12. Don't think you needed all that chatter in the beginning as it didn't really add much to the story.

Steve


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