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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Romantic Comedy Scripts  ›  The Dawn of Arnie
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  Author    The Dawn of Arnie  (currently 197 views)
Don
Posted: January 19th, 2020, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Dawn of Arnie by Jason K. Allen - Short, Rom Com - An awkward, lonely neat freak decides to loosen up, get out of the house and go on a few dates. Unfortunately, he has no luck with the ladies -- that is, until he meets the Queen of the Untamed Forest. 17 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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JohnMcCarthy
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Jason,

LOVED IT! Laughed out loud throughout. Only criticism? I wanted it to keep going!
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Fais85
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Jason

So finally Arnie met Sandy and they lived happily ever after. Lol. Cool script. Funny.

Here are the few things I've observed.

ARNOLD (V.O.)
Oh, no... I’m out of deodorant!

I would get rid of this first line. It's not needed. Just show Arnold picking up the deodorant can and it's empty. He makes a face and throws it in the dustbin.

ARNOLD
Wild man!

"Wild man! Mandy's gonna love it." This will give readers a better clue that Arnold and Mandy have met before.

Pg. 2
His smile dissipates when notices she’s holding a bucket in
one hand and bloody machete in the other. Blood is smeared
on her hands, a few feathers are stuck to her.

You can play with this situation by not showing feathers.

Brandi was an interesting character. I wish you would have given her more space than Mandy.

I laughed my head off at that monkey dialogue.

Somehow Arnold was continuously reminding me of Rick Moranis.

Well written. Loved it!
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