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 The Breakup (currently 386 views) |
| Don |
| Posted: February 6th, 2020, 1:31pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator  So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts14155 Posts Per Day 1.97 |
The Breakup by Cedric Msiza - Short, Drama - Anthony and Alexia are going through the difficulties of a relationship. When alexia decides she wants to break up, it all leads to a fatal ending. 3 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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| eldave1 |
| Posted: February 6th, 2020, 10:36pm |
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Of The Ancients 
LocationSouthern California Posts6025 Posts Per Day 2.68 |
There are tons of grammatical errors - tons.
I'm guessing English is your second language. Check out GRAMMERLY - it's a free app that will help. |
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| Arundel |
| Posted: February 9th, 2020, 12:45am |
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Been around a while 
LocationLas Vegas, Nevada Posts210 Posts Per Day 0.39 |
Okay, I do kind of like the setup. Short, three pages, two characters, one room. My kind of screenplay. The situation seemed realistic but the writing needs improvement. Also, I've read lots of short scripts that end with sudden death, or the hint of it. Maybe the scenario could/would still end this way but there'snot much explanation in between first and last page. |
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| Cedric |
| Posted: February 9th, 2020, 7:16pm |
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| Cedric |
| Posted: February 9th, 2020, 7:27pm |
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There are tons of grammatical errors - tons.
I'm guessing English is your second language. Check out GRAMMERLY - it's a free app that will help. |
You guessed right, but I will be sure to check it out. And thanks for the advice |
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| eldave1 |
| Posted: February 9th, 2020, 10:26pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationSouthern California Posts6025 Posts Per Day 2.68 |
You guessed right, but I will be sure to check it out. And thanks for the advice
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My pleasure |
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| Kirsten |
| Posted: February 12th, 2020, 9:24am |
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Been around a while  Giving up is not an option....
LocationKiwi in Ohio Posts311 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
Hi Cedric, I did like the dialogue, grammar mistakes aside, it came off as genuine.
I think for this type of story to have impact and a satisfying ending, it would be good if you raise the tension between them. Build up the emotional rage in Josh to make his actions believable... show us the rage that makes people snap. At the moment it lacks that intense emotion. The audience craves emotion in stories, so sock it to em!!
Cheers K
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| "Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
'What we do in the Shadows.' |
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| Cedric |
| Posted: February 17th, 2020, 3:37pm |
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Hey Kirsten. Thank you for reading. I'll make sure to consider emotion the next time I write. I appreciate your feedback so much. |
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| Dustin |
| Posted: February 18th, 2020, 6:07am |
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Of The Ancients  Action speaks louder...
Posts5234 Posts Per Day 1.99 |
It was OK. If you're filming this yourself, it could work. However, if you're putting this out there as just a script then you're going to struggle to get anyone to read it as it is badly written. The story itself also ends very suddenly and needs more meat on the bones. Might make a decent first-year film. Y'know, as a practise kind of thing.
If you want to be a writer though, you have lots of studying to do.
All the best, |
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| Cedric |
| Posted: March 1st, 2020, 9:01pm |
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I appreciate the feedback. Thank you |
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| eldave1 |
| Posted: March 1st, 2020, 9:06pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationSouthern California Posts6025 Posts Per Day 2.68 |
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you |
No problem |
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