SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is February 24th, 2020, 7:12am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Scripts of the January 2020 One Week Challenge



Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Breakup
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Breakup  (currently 174 views)
Don
Posted: February 6th, 2020, 11:31am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13584
Posts Per Day
1.95
The Breakup by Cedric Msiza - Short, Drama - Anthony and Alexia are going through the difficulties of a relationship. When alexia decides she wants to break up, it all leads to a fatal ending. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: February 6th, 2020, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5380
Posts Per Day
2.65
There are tons of grammatical errors - tons.

I'm guessing English is your second language. Check out GRAMMERLY -  it's a free app that will help.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
Arundel
Posted: February 8th, 2020, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Las Vegas, Nevada
Posts
114
Posts Per Day
0.36
Okay, I do kind of like the setup. Short, three pages, two characters, one room. My kind of screenplay. The situation seemed realistic but the writing needs improvement. Also, I've read lots of short scripts that end with sudden death, or the hint of it. Maybe the scenario could/would still end this way but there'snot much explanation in between first and last page.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 8
Cedric
Posted: February 9th, 2020, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.13
Thanks for the advice
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
Cedric
Posted: February 9th, 2020, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.13

Quoted from eldave1
There are tons of grammatical errors - tons.

I'm guessing English is your second language. Check out GRAMMERLY -  it's a free app that will help.


You guessed right, but I will be sure to check it out. And thanks for the advice
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
eldave1
Posted: February 9th, 2020, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5380
Posts Per Day
2.65

Quoted from Cedric


You guessed right, but I will be sure to check it out. And thanks for the advice


My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
Kirsten
Posted: February 12th, 2020, 7:24am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
282
Posts Per Day
0.22
Hi Cedric, I did like the dialogue, grammar mistakes aside, it came off as genuine.

I think for this type of story to have impact and a satisfying ending, it would be good if you raise the tension between them. Build up the emotional rage in Josh to make his actions believable... show us the rage that makes people snap. At the moment it lacks that intense emotion. The audience craves emotion in stories, so sock it to em!!

Cheers K


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
Cedric
Posted: February 17th, 2020, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.13
Hey Kirsten.  Thank you for reading. I'll make sure to consider emotion the next time I write. I appreciate your feedback so much.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
Dustin
Posted: February 18th, 2020, 4:07am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5484
Posts Per Day
2.28
It was OK. If you're filming this yourself, it could work. However, if you're putting this out there as just a script then you're going to struggle to get anyone to read it as it is badly written. The story itself also ends very suddenly and needs more meat on the bones. Might make a decent first-year film. Y'know, as a practise kind of thing.

If you want to be a writer though, you have lots of studying to do.

All the best,


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006