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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  I [Don't] Want It Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 22nd, 2020, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I [Don't] Want It by Hawa Kazimi - Drama, Dark Comedy - A woman is perfectly happy with her ordinary life until one day she isn't. Or at least that's what a mysterious voice incessantly tells her. 126 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 24th, 2020, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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Ahoy Hawa,

Just some casual thoughts over breakfast. Usual disclaimer, what the hell do I know?

I'm just about gonna let you get away with the common place 'Wake up in the morning opening.

There are several issues that need work. Most importantly, nothing of significance seems to happen, all the action feels incidental with no sense of story or involvement, and no sense of where it's heading. Similarly the dialogue focuses mostly on the moment-to-moment trivia and don't reveal the internal drives and conflicts of the characters or how they are lining up against each other psychologically.

You're lavishing over your prose too much. Most of which wouldn't show up on the screen.  When dealing with jaded readers, you haven't got a lot of space or time to impress. Basically, you need to say as much as you can, using as little words as possible.  Sure, you may have some nice prose in there, but you're not writing a novel, so I'd lose as much of it as you can.

Not to pile on, but ya gotta remember, you don't need to choreograph every movement, just get the gist of the scene across.  All that being said,  I can see some merit here in the idea, but it needs work.  G’luck with this. -Andrea


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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eldave1
Posted: March 26th, 2020, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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Hawa - IMO - you really need to focus on efficiency in your writing - it's a script, not a novel.

Here's your opening:


Quoted Text
INT. RYAN BEDROOM - MORNING

A plain room inside an older apartment. So plain that the
average hotel room surpasses it in charm. This is the bedroom
of a woman named RYAN GALLOWAY (29). She sleeps until the
sound of her alarm clock awakes her at 6am.

At 6:01am, she slides her feet into the slippers neatly lined
up beside her bed. She doesn't even have to look. She
finishes making her bed, and heads to the bathroom.


INT. RYAN'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Plain and charmless, like a cheap hotel room.

RYAN GALLOWAY (29) sleeps soundly. An ALARM echoes as a clock on the nightstand rolls from  5:59 to 6:00 AM.

Ryan wakens, turns and slides her feet into the slippers stationed beside.

Or something akin to that - basically - you need to get down to nuts and bolts


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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