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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Mercy Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 22nd, 2020, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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Mercy by Anthony Richter - Series, Sci fi, Fantasy - In an afterlife between afterlives, a cynical demon attorney and a mysterious crime lord must join forces in the pursuit of redemption and revenge. 50 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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eldave1
Posted: March 26th, 2020, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Anthony - just a brief fly by:

Be efficient as possible. Let's look at the first two lines. Unnecessary words.


EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY

Unusually bright during this hour. A young woman stands alone
on the ledge holding a cell phone loosely against the side of
her face. Her naked toes curl over the edge of the building,
hundreds of stories above the stirring city.

EMMA TOWNSEND, 33, beautiful, even now as a stream of tears
and snot runs down her face ruining what's left of her
mascara. Her dress, tattered and ripped, reveals bruises in
tender areas on her body. Life has not been kind.
[quote]

We already know it's day and do you really need stand alone - it's a pending suicide so kind of assumed. So.

EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY

Unusually bright. A young woman stands
on the ledge holding a cell phone loosely against the side of
her face.

Lose the snot. You trying to get us in a moment - snot is a distraction. Doesn't fit.

Look for more visual verbs - e,g, rather than stands - teeters.

And why not save space and time and identify straight up when we see her. All your cool descriptions of her come after the opening - let's see it right up front.

EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY

Unusually bright. EMMA TOWNSEND (33), beautiful, tears and streaks of mascara  streaming down her face teeters on the ledge. Her dress is tattered and ripped, revealing bruises on the
exposed areas of her body. Life has not been kind.

Her naked toes curl over the edge of the building hundreds of stories above the stirring city.

Basically - same stuff, 1/3 rd the space used and we get to see your protag right out of the shoot.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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