Saru Saru by Monkey man - A man who is desperate for money stumbles upon an endless cash cow. The only caveat… make sure the murder weapon has fresh batteries.

Button, Button - S1E20b (TZ85)
  - Short, Suspense, Dark Comedy

Hmm... I'm not really sure this fits with the episode that inspired it, but I guess the inspiration doesn't have to be literal.

Writing is slick, read fast paced and I like the use of the Kanji... but ultimately it didn't work for me as I found Saru too cliche and Devon unnecessary.

I know the writer is trying to give us a humorous take on TWZ but afraid it didn;t cut it for me on that level.

Sure some people will like this one though and kudos on the smooth read.

Not really close to the episode, which is good, though you don't really see the premise of that episode here entirely. This kinda felt like an urban parody of the TZ series as a whole. I thought the whole Devon thing, doing the Rod Serling thing, and getting bitch-slapped was funny. Reminded me of Pootie Tang a little.

As for the story, wasn't really for me. It felt rushed, like it had a brief intro and then an abrupt ending. There was no middle to this story IMO. The writing was pretty good, overall. But the story didn't really hit any notes for me. It started off like a slapstick comedy almost and then the tone never returned to that comedic feel after that.

All in all, a solid effort.

-- Michael

Oooh! I remember this one. A great one as it explores the dilemma of morality and/or greed. I also remember the feature film. This has also been made into a short film numerous times. Once, very successfully by an SS member. All with just two people in a white room, no less. Let's see what you did with it.

I loved the writing! It's slick and has attitude. Great work on that, writer. I'm eager to find out who you are.

Story-wise, I was less impressed. This could work, but what it lacks is that dilemma of chosing between greed or doing the morally right thing. Chosing greed and having to pay for that choice. It never felt like he struggled with that choice, which is what makes that story such a good one. If you can strengthen that part of the story, it will improve immensely, IMHO.  

PS: I forgot, I would lose the TZ'esque intro. It makes it feel you were trying to write another TZ episode rather than a new stand alone story.

I didn't even realize that "The Box" from 2009 came from a TZ episode, nor did I realize good old Richard Matheson wrote the original story.

So, what do we have here?  Hmmm, really hard to say, as I have a feeling the writer wasn't able to turn his concept into what was in his head.  Personally, I don't see the original concept here at all, and that's an issue.

Writing-wise, I bet we have a good writer here who's trying very hard to find a cool voice and show off his skills...and there are skills on display, but there are also so many little mistakes, poor Slug use, poor sentence structure in places, and then the good old "is sat" on the final page, just for good measure.  

There appears to be definite thought here, but I don't see a story, and I really don't get what we do have here.  There's no choice being made that I can see...no dilemma, no consequences.

The intro with Devon is odd, to say the least, and definitely not needed, as it detracts from what's here and also wastes an entire page of a story that needs that extra page.

I'll give kudos for the effort, but this doesn't work for me at all, as is, and isn't for me, based on the writing style.

Hi writer,

I think the flack your getting here is the story doesn’t resonate with the original couple, which could be drilled down to a person, or persons who have no moral conviction haphazardly pressing a button to receive ‘free’ money, but… the big but of course; nothing is free, and in the end someone dies, or is killed.

There’s two stories I guess to every Twilight episode, however, and this one seems to be written about the possessor of the original box, their angle, who they are, and what their end game is, in this case it’s Wang – the old man who somehow stumbles upon a strange killing device that seems to work in his favor? Lest he built it with ancient Chinese voodoo.

Saru, being the one who has no moral conviction in this case, is the one who is killed, but the keeper of the box (Wang) is rewarded in return. Not sure that could work consistently based on the logline, I mean… it doesn’t appear to be an ‘endless cash cow’ in this case, just the prospect of being in the right place at the right time… but then there’s the supernatural angle as well; the shop lighting up when Saru is nearby and seeking a place of squalor to satiate his desire to profit off others misery. I dunno.

Not sure Devon is needed, the backstory could easily fit into that space by scripting more dialog on Saru’s phone call, or dialog with, as you put it… ‘the ho he be smacking up’.

I see, in the Twilight plot online that this episode was adapted from an original story called ‘The Monkey’s Paw’, which was also called ‘The Chinaman Button’ by some other? That is quite a bit o’ shit crammed into a one-pound-bag, lol. Anyway, based on that angle, the button-keepers, it seems the idea derived works with the TZ episode.

Hi writer, will start off letting you know that I'm not the audience for this one.

I had some trouble with the genre...? It doesn't come off like a dark comedy but more like a...spoof comedy set in the same era as Breakfast at Tiffany's? In the style of "scary movie"-esque movies. I * might * be able to bill this as a horror? What with the slashing and all.. There's not much built suspense in the first 4 pages. One of those first 4 pages is entirely dedicated to describing an apartment to be used as a whorehouse.

The characters feel like caricatures of real people, are stereotypical, and some of the language in the dialogue is questionable/problematic in this day and age...

I'm a bit confused as to what your goal with this short was.

Keeping the time limit in mind, good on you for submitting something.

Nice writing but I was lost and struggled to follow the story.

Devon seemed like a good idea at first as a character inspired by Rod Sterling but he served no purpose and 'falls out of the frame' - what?

The whole laundromat lighting up and turning into a four-storey building, then him renting it (with no questions as to the supernatural element) and then the Monkey in the box going apeshit (pun intended) then flipping back to Wang. All of this made my eyes bleed and brain hurt!

Sorry, not one for me but I see from the comments others dig it. At the end of the day these things are all down to personal taste so best of luck with it.

-Mark

I don't really know what happened. I liked the opening, but then it switched, and then it switched again.

While, "Button, Button" is more of a slow burn, "Saru, Saru" is quick to start and then quick to end without anything really happening. Stuff surely happens, but nothing is changed.

I'm lost.

Another writer with their own personal style, and what style it is! I found it a fun read but difficult to follow a couple times. It pays to read the box instructions very close. Don't add words, don't skip words. It reminded me somewhat of Hellraiser, in a way.

Overall, a couple more pages would do it justice and trimming the search for a new ho-house. I didn't mind the Devon intro since there were no rules for/against it.

Good job, writer.

Hi Writer

Sorry to be brief (Crazy day at work and I am super tired)

But I don't know what I just read and I don't think I want to. Wasn't much to connect with, the humour wasn't for me and the story was a bit jaded and unsatisfying.

Still, writing was good. You have style.

Imaginative but confusing.

I feel like there was more to this in your mind, but it couldn't come on paper. Maybe because of the time limit or because of the page limit.

Your writing is solid. There were some cool moments in this. But, overall it was okay.

Saru, Saru = Monkey, Monkey.

Nice pseudo-Serling.

'cause

A more "urban" thriller. Inspired.

Another script with "headless" dialogue. There should always be a character's name above dialogue.

Quoted Text Saru damn near shits a brick.

I'm not quite sure what happened at the end. But I understand you can only do so much within six pages.

That said, it's a pretty decent script, very well written.

Though I didn't laugh or really even crack a grin with this, however, I will say for the most part the dialogue seemed realistic and unforced and the action lines were good. So once, you nail your story down, I feel that this could be a really good. Good luck!

Ghost

Not gonna lie, I had no idea that stupid Cameron Diaz movie with the Box was based on a previous story.

Damn I was told not to do a Serling-esque monologue. It’s funny to picture a Rod Serlin type talk like that though. … well, it was funny, then it ran for a full page. Too much.

Don’t think (into phone) is a necessary parenthetical.

I’m sure the way Wang speaks is going over well…

Page 4 of 7 and we’re just getting to the box after some, “meh at best” comedy.

You definitely set up Saru for his comeuppance, that was good, but I think this needed to focus on Wang (with less stereotypical dialogue) and the box earlier. I care more about the mythology of the box than I do about Saru being a douche for 3+ pages.

Wild idea. Not executed well, but not terrible.