Empty Nest by Claudio Saez - Short, Thriller - Dad just got back from the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but he has to go out again. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Lookin for feedback on this. Full disclosure, I wrote it in about an hour for a challenge.

The submission rules were:
-Embody "Tough Love" as a theme
-No more than 4 pages  (It's 5 pages because I added some punch-up later.)
-1 scene heading
-3 characters max

I wanted to write a bleak short that felt like it was part of a larger story.
I feel like this short needs a better denouement, but let me know what you think.

Thank you~

Claudio: Good story. Heart felt.

Quoted Text INT. THIRD FLOOR STUDIO APARTMENT - AFTERNOON SUPER: LOS ANGELES, 2048. TWO YEARS AFTER THE OUTBREAK. Old dilapidated apartment. Corrugated metal sheets and wood planks BARRICADE the door and window. GUNS and ammunition all over; empty cans of food in one corner.

A couple of things here. A SUPER should not appear as the first item in the scene. Remember - it is short for SUPERIMPOSE and you need something to Superimpose over. In the above example, I would put it right after the opening description block.

Your CAPs seem to have no rhyme or reason. Why are you capping BARRICADE? Why GUNS but no ammunition?

You don't need to repeat the word apartment in your opening - it is already in your header. Just say - Old and dilipated.

Quoted Text Dad is sweating. He starts feverishly pacing. He looks into the cupboards, pantries, etc

Is this a one-room apt? If not - you need a new header because he is obviously in the litche now. If yes - add it to the header or the opening description.

The writing is a bit clumsy here. How about -

Dad sweats as he paces feverishly.  

Quoted Text DAD I got careless. Thirty minutes ago. I found an RV. Was an infected in there. I probably have another thirty until...the change. I'm not gonna wait for it.

Fix the above - some blanks that should not be there. Should be:

DAD
I got careless. Thirty minutes ago.
I found an RV. Was an infected in
there. I probably have another thirty
until...the change. I'm not gonna
wait for it.

Nice one keeping to the criteria, and you’ve done pretty darn well as I see it considering you knocked it out in an hour.

I thought Paloma should have needed more than a couple of bangs on the barricaded door to identify the visitor wasn’t a threat or danger. Perhaps her dad’s voice before ripping out the nails.

Little bits of dialogue here and there I thought didn’t quite work, such as Paloma telling her dad “…it was smooth sailing.’ But hey, you’ve written this  in an hour!

The premise and pacing worked for me, and I thought it was a pretty good read.

Thanks

Very nice, Claudio. I envisioned Paloma being similar to Newt from Aliens. A tough little bird.

Only one quibble:
"Was an infected in there." just doesn't roll off the tongue and sounds unnatural.

Otherwise, I love the sense of urgency you instill. You created a world in very few words. Not an easy thing to pull off.

~John

Awesome input, thanks everyone!

Dave - Good edits, it does feel clunky in those sections.

Wayne - I should add a special knock between them. I'll think of a punch-up for that "smooth sailing" line.

JE - I definitely imagined a Newt-type, cool that you picked up on that. Yup, another clunky line there.

My pleasure