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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Empty Nest
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  Author    Empty Nest  (currently 415 views)
Don
Posted: March 21st, 2021, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Empty Nest by Claudio Saez - Short, Thriller - Dad just got back from the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but he has to go out again. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Claudio
Posted: March 21st, 2021, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Lookin for feedback on this. Full disclosure, I wrote it in about an hour for a challenge.

The submission rules were:
-Embody "Tough Love" as a theme
-No more than 4 pages  (It's 5 pages because I added some punch-up later.)
-1 scene heading
-3 characters max

I wanted to write a bleak short that felt like it was part of a larger story.
I feel like this short needs a better denouement, but let me know what you think.

Thank you~


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eldave1
Posted: March 21st, 2021, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Claudio: Good story. Heart felt.


Quoted Text
INT. THIRD FLOOR STUDIO APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

SUPER: LOS ANGELES, 2048. TWO YEARS AFTER THE OUTBREAK.

Old dilapidated apartment. Corrugated metal sheets and wood
planks BARRICADE the door and window. GUNS and ammunition all
over; empty cans of food in one corner.


A couple of things here. A SUPER should not appear as the first item in the scene. Remember - it is short for SUPERIMPOSE and you need something to Superimpose over. In the above example, I would put it right after the opening description block.

Your CAPs seem to have no rhyme or reason. Why are you capping BARRICADE? Why GUNS but no ammunition?

You don't need to repeat the word apartment in your opening - it is already in your header. Just say - Old and dilipated.


Quoted Text
Dad is sweating. He starts feverishly pacing. He looks into
the cupboards, pantries, etc


Is this a one-room apt? If not - you need a new header because he is obviously in the litche now. If yes - add it to the header or the opening description.

The writing is a bit clumsy here. How about -

Dad sweats as he paces feverishly.  


Quoted Text
DAD
I got careless. Thirty minutes ago.
I found an RV. Was an infected in
there.
I probably have another thirty
until...the change. I'm not gonna
wait for it.


Fix the above - some blanks that should not be there. Should be:

DAD
I got careless. Thirty minutes ago.
I found an RV. Was an infected in
there. I probably have another thirty
until...the change. I'm not gonna
wait for it.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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WayneM
Posted: March 22nd, 2021, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Nice one keeping to the criteria, and you’ve done pretty darn well as I see it considering you knocked it out in an hour.

I thought Paloma should have needed more than a couple of bangs on the barricaded door to identify the visitor wasn’t a threat or danger. Perhaps her dad’s voice before ripping out the nails.

Little bits of dialogue here and there I thought didn’t quite work, such as Paloma telling her dad “…it was smooth sailing.’ But hey, you’ve written this  in an hour!

The premise and pacing worked for me, and I thought it was a pretty good read.

Thanks
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JEStaats
Posted: March 22nd, 2021, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

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Very nice, Claudio. I envisioned Paloma being similar to Newt from Aliens. A tough little bird.

Only one quibble:
"Was an infected in there." just doesn't roll off the tongue and sounds unnatural.

Otherwise, I love the sense of urgency you instill. You created a world in very few words. Not an easy thing to pull off.

~John
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Claudio
Posted: March 26th, 2021, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Awesome input, thanks everyone!

Dave - Good edits, it does feel clunky in those sections.

Wayne - I should add a special knock between them. I'll think of a punch-up for that "smooth sailing" line.

JE - I definitely imagined a Newt-type, cool that you picked up on that. Yup, another clunky line there.


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eldave1
Posted: March 26th, 2021, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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