Hi Matthew, sorry this is almost a year late, but better late than never
I've noted down any errors I found along the way....
Intriguing opening…..
Nice and horrific
Great visuals of the train station and train. Very creative.
P2..it’s ‘a’ monstrous machine….
If this is history why is there only the two of them there??? How do others not know about the hole in the earth? Where’s the media?
Great visuals of the inside of the train.
I like the surprise introduction of Philip..nice…
P4… she “grabs” a piece of food, but the contents are mushy, it didn’t fit.
Very cool plane graveyard turned trailor park.. love it..
Love the constant lightening…great visual
Love the Victorian gothic fashion.
Cool identical robots..
P 7… ‘At’ the far end….
Why is Cecelia so keen, why hasn’t she heard the rumors? While everyone else has? Do we assume she is an introvert? Doesn’t talk to people much?
Might need more of a punchier goal for her to get on the train. I just feels like she’s on there because of a free ticket.
P11… It's eyes, replaced ‘with’ black marbles.
Cecilia ‘takes’ a step away.
I’m not sure about her skipping around the passengers… seems childish for her?
Nice conflict with Arthur noticing she is a poor person.. shows us how much the rich hate the poor.
Like the use of abaddon shutting the blind to introduce the next scene..
I like the explanation about Philip surviving the mine collapse but not the train ride. Nice conflict with the medical care threats.
Cool.. something paranormal… crying woman in toilet..
Okay now I’m looking forward to getting on this train even more.
Ahh now she can’t …good tension… she sneaks on,, more possible conflict ahead.
Abaddons reaction to Cecilia feels too weak considering how he tore up her ticket etc..
Cool scene with her getting trapped in the bathroom and seeing her pregnant self… nice….creepy, scary, claustrophobic.
P26. Looks down. Full stop
Pg28 Nice I love this…people starting to see things. Good exposition, natural sounding with the way Hilda jokes about the train going to hell.
Pg.29. taps the bar. (full stop) Pg 30 Arthur ignores. (full stop). Pg33 within arms reach (small w) Pg 34 Who’s Racheal. Pg 35. Rubs her belly (capt R)
Pg 27 onwards…. Good action…lots of questions, what’s really going on? Keeping me engaged.
I like the idea that there is now a feeling of what is real and what is not, and it is all based on hell, makes it feel more horrifying.
Pg 36..Utter carnage (capt U). Pg 37 Just let go. (full stop)
Cool scene with her not wanting to get into the cargo hold…scary!
P 47 Feints (cap F) lighter. (full stop).
Nice questions, is she in the movie? Is it hell playing tricks on her? Good suspense.
P49 spirits dives for ‘the’ train, P50 drags her away. (full stop) P51 ‘He’ takes a seat on (capH) Pg 53 You are despicable! Pg56 Finally, after two hundred years. (cap F) P58 Hello sweetie. (full stop)
What does the bishop mean ‘after 200 hundred years’?
P57. plunges it into his eye’socket’. I added socket because it didn’t seem to fit since he doesn’t have an eye there now.
Cool the holy water is a good help….there’s danger but she’s somewhat safe..as she walks past all the zombies.. good tension…
Pg 58 ‘not’ one ‘passenger’ visible.
Good action scene p 59..like the pause in action with the barman acting normal.
P61 ‘to’ a device on the door. Did abaddon put it there when he was messing with the door? Might need to see him do it… the device jumps out of nowhere. Or did I miss that?
I like it, she is trapped in a computer program. But still has to fight for her life, she can’t just unplug and say it’s all a dream.
Nice tension, is she going to accept this is all a movie….
Yes she does, nice interjection with the barman.
P71 Barman’s ‘eyes’ dart… P72 if you don’t come back they ‘won’t’ treat me anymore.
Good scene with abaddon and becky.
P72 to 89 great flow, great action. I like that the movie wasn’t real. Part of me wondered, but it all added to the mystery and tension.
Nice way of hell trying to get Cecilia to kill abaddon so the train gets back to Australia
Nice twist I didn’t see that one coming…
The ending was abrupt, but that’s a choice we all make as part of the creative process. I didn’t mind it. It made me wonder about adding more story line in the beginning, in terms of what would actually happen if the train came back full of hellish spirits. Maybe a more in depth description from Philip when he is there as Benedict hangs himself. Something along the lines of “they will come through and we will conquer.” Something that indicates the end of the world type scenario. This would definitely give me more chills at the end…. but that’s just a personal thing. I know Cecilia mentions Philip talking about an uprising, but I think it has more of an impact coming from Philip.
On a re read, I notice Cecilia hears crying in the platform bathroom. Is that a clue that Philip has definitely bought something back with him? If so I like it.
“She passes an interactive cinema - "Now Showing 42.2 - Can you survive the journey?" just spotted this on a re read….cool…
Overall I enjoyed this and thought it was very well done. I agree with Mark in that there needs to be more character building. Especially with Cecilia. It's hard for me to explain but I feel she needs a stronger goal to get on the train. It feels like the story is just happening to her.
It’s a good concept, will be a fantastic visual piece. Lots of mystery, tension, twists and turns, very imaginative. I loved the barman character. Who would have thought in the end he would save the day. Sort of…