Arcanum (Pilot Episode) by Lonnie Turner II - Series  - FBI Special Agents Tacker and Meadows find themselves assigned to an odd rural town where the impossible is a daily occurrence. Their first case: cadavers that rained from the sky. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Many thanks, Don.

I've submitted two scripts here since I joined about 20 years ago. The last one was back in '06, I believe. But while I've not been prolific, I do visit the site, if not every day, at least multiple times a week. And I offer feedback on the occasional script and share what knowledge I have when time allows.

This is my first attempt at an original TV pilot. It's a horror/comedy/sci-fi hybrid. Think The X-Files meets Psych. And I have thick skin so I welcome any and all comments, even the bad ones.

Quoted from Lon Theirs has never been and never will be a romantic relationship. Not even if the ratings start to sag.

Take my money. All of it.

Dear Lonnie,
it's looking good (have the people who made Pushing Daisies seen this?) Good job I wasn't eating dinner as I read the hypoglycemic line - as it would have ended up all over the screen!! Smart call back to the Dukes of H.
Surely the dog would plead the 5th (is that the one where you choose not to answer)
Chief's line "Just coz you don't believe it doesn't mean it's not true" seems like the thesis - if a hint of this was foreshadowed as the first bodies fall??
I'll allow the good Dr Abjani performing the removable thumb trick - at least he didn't break the fourth wall!!
I didn't get the "dizzy beard" line.

Well there's pep, pace, a wisecracking cast and magical madcap cadaver mayhem. Funnily enough I managed to sit through Duchovy in Evolution on the tv last Sat. Maybe a cameo role for Flash the dog - just a walk on - or leg lifter?
Well done. Keep sniffing those cheeseburgers !
best JtF

Thanks for the comments. Pep, pace and wisecracking is what I was going for, so I'm glad to see that stuff all lands.

"Dizzy Beard" -- that was Dr. Abjani on the phone, telling Chief Human the bodies had "disappeared." As I think of it, that joke probably would have worked better if I'd indicated that Abjani has an Indian accent lol

@Drong Bum -- I'll take it over Venmo.

Just submitted a slightly revised draft. Tightened up some dialogue and fixed a couple overlooked goofs. In my own defense, I've never claimed to be a genius.

Hey Lon

I’ve read the original submission, sorry I didn’t see the updated draft link - but I’ll make the assumption that your story stays the same. (Have Skimmed through the updated draft)

So, right off the bat, the teaser - Frickin awesome. This is the sole reason I read the pilot in its entirety. That’s what I want from a show or from any script for that matter - an immediate bang. A hook. Something where I just had to stay to find out what the hell has gone on!

Now, regarding my feedback for the rest of the pilot - it’s of course always very subjective. Just my opinion, take what you want, bin what you want… in the main, I enjoyed most of what I read

Liking your characters and the dynamics you create between them. Loads of fun between Tacker and the Chief. Would for sure enjoy watching those trade off’s on screen. However, I felt there might have been too much of it, which ties into a larger point I’ll address shortly. Overall, though, a lot of it works well to establish that comic tone in the Arcanum world.

Meadows has me on board too.  A kick-ass chick always gets a thumbs-up from me Just on that though, the scene where she deals with the Redneck - I didn’t feel that forcefully gripping his wife's arm was quite enough for him to get his ass kicked by Meadows (sounds like he gets injured too) and arrested. Thinking he has to be a bit rougher on his wife than that and perhaps swing for meadows so her ass-kicking is at least self-defence. Was hoping we would get another scene of Meadows’s combative skills - but appreciate this was just the pilot.

I think the writing is solid throughout so no issues there.

Would’ve liked page numbers and don’t like the title at the top of every page which interrupted the reading flow for me at times.

So on to my main consideration - we start with this extraordinary event and as I mentioned earlier, you’ve got me on board. Then the rest of the episode is mainly made up of Tacker, Meadows and the Chief discussing the possibilities behind this extraordinary event along with a lotta discord and banter - which is all great. But, I was hoping for one or two scenes away from these three. A couple of scenes that would add fuel to the mystery. Like introducing a couple of sinister characters that seemingly know something about what happened or perhaps talk with malign intent towards the arrival of the two agents. Just something, something more that we find out but Tackers and Meadows do not. So for me, it would be to cut some of the banter and a little more story or clues, if you like. This is on the presumption that the cadavers story makes up the season and isn’t just for this episode.

One scene I wouldn’t cut is with Dr. Abjani - that's just too much fun. Love it.

I didn’t feel the cliffhanger screamed “You must come back to find out what happens nextâ€� which got me wondering whether this was a continuous story with the cavaders or not. It wasn’t like a WTF revelation or anything like that.  Cliffhangers are of paramount importance to me whether I get drawn back to the show or not. Don’t get me wrong, you’re cliffhanger was fun but it had no relation to the dead bodies outta the sky thing, so that’s why I was disappointed with it.

Anyway, I enjoyed the read and love the premise. The teaser was badass.  Loads of cool dialogue scenes. I feel this has legs for sure.

Colin

Thanks so much for your feedback!

To address some of your questions/comments:

Meadows beating up the redneck -- he poked her in the chest. Yeah, she goaded him into doing it, but the law says if you lay an unwelcome finger on someone, that's assault. Was it an over-reaction to Redneck grabbing his wife by the arm? Maybe. But the wife does say, "You're hurting me." For Meadows, that's all she needed to hear (the good news: there will be more Meadows kicking ass in future episodes).

Page numbers/titles at the top of each page: that's a fault of the screenwriting program I use (Trelby). I've never dug deep into its settings. I'll see what I can do about that.

I see your concern about the bulk of the script being on just those three characters. I felt it necessary to establish Tacker's combativeness in multiple scenes, building his frustration, so that when he and Chief nearly come to blows later, it feels earned. Besides, the line about a syphilitic Tijuana stripper came to me early on and I thought it was too good not to find a use for LOL

Incidentally, the inept local police and not being able to solve the cases they encounter with logic and rationale will be a source of growing frustration for Tacker as the season goes on. If you think he was grumpy in this episode...

Dr. Abjani -- that scene was one of the very last I added. It was a bit spur-of-the-moment, as I decided I needed someone to add more complexities that would make the case even less likely to be solved. It was going to be much shorter, but the more I wrote Abjani, the more I enjoyed writing him. He'll be a recurring supporting character.

The cliffhanger -- I needed a reason to keep Tacker stuck in this town. I gave myself two choices -- the bodies disappearing, meaning the case still required investigating, and Tacker learning that Workman had assigned him there long-term. It was going to be one or the other. Ultimately I chose to go with Tacker's reaction to the text, for reasons that will be clear once I've posted episode 2.

Thanks again for your comments. They're much appreciated.

Lon, you write some nice description, but personally I feel there's too much of it.

Set the scene, give us the least we need in order to understand, and then crack on with the story.

For instance, one benefit of keeping it lean and mean is your cold opening would fit on a a single page.

Lean and clean is my usual way of doing it. But I thought this being a TV pilot, I could go into a bit more detail up front as far as characterizations and locale are concerned. My logic was that this way the reader knows what they need to know about the primaries and the town from the get go, so I don't have to do descriptions for them in future episodes.

Was this the wrong way to go? Could be. Eh, it made sense at the time.

Quoted from Lon ...I thought this being a TV pilot, I could go into a bit more detail up front as far as characterizations and locale are concerned...

For a few years I was a staff writer on a big show, created and helmed by one of the pioneers among the then-new breed of writer-showrunners. He expected us to be ersatz producers, and to write pretty much everything.

By everything, I mean describe every last little detail.

The result was scripts that looked more like Russian novels and they were hated by almost everyone besides the showrunner. (To the credit of cast and crew, the episodes turned out great, and it was a successful and popular show.)

However, screenwriting that way was excruciating, especially for those of us who came up in the Less is More school of filmmaking.

All that aside, your descriptions are really good. Do you need so much of it? Maybe.