Ashes by Paul Knauer - Horror, Thriller, Psychological - ASHES is a psychological horror/thriller feature about a woman who, in a desperate bid to escape her abusive boyfriend, rents a house in the country only to find it inhabited by the dangerous, manipulative spirit of a murderer with an ominous request: stop me from killing. 96 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work
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Please read the review

Paul, I read this straight through today. I plan to read it again and then try and post a somewhat lucid review. I will say that I was intrigued by the storyline - kind of a “Sixth Senseâ€� vibe (I see dead people).  As expected, your writing skills shine here. Just wondering… is this inspired by any stories or legends or just your own creative mind?  Kudos for getting this finished and up for review. I’ll be back with more - promise!

Quoted from kcranford Just wondering… is this inspired by any stories or legends or just your own creative mind?

Thanks for the kudos. I appreciate it.

Yes, this was partially inspired by the In Cold Blood murders that Truman Capote wrote about. Specifically, that book (and the movie) drew me to researching the killers. What fascinated me most was that Capote (an East Coast socialite) was drawn to the main killer (Perry Smith) who was a small-town Kansas murderer. They had a very strange relationship...like Perry was somehow magnetic.

Anyway, I started thinking about a killer with those qualities...small-town vibe with big city aspirations, and a bit of charm to him. That musing led to this story.

A few of the details of the murders are similar, but 99% of the story is completely made up.

Fun fact: the In Cold Blood murderers are from a town I lived in for a while, were imprisoned and hanged 20 minutes from where I live now...and are both buried there. So, I feel oddly connected to them. You can tour the prison...and, if you check out the prison website, you can view the records and see Capote's signature as a visitor and witness to the hanging.

Paul, as promised, I read this again.  And then went back and read some passages again.  And again.  The layered complexity of this script is truly outstanding.  In my last post I likened it to “The Sixth Senseâ€�, however, the more I leaned into Percy’s mindset being both a philosopher and a murderer with feelings of both remorse and justification, as well as a borderline genius/psychopath, I started to feel a lot of a “Dexterâ€� vibe going here. Interesting that I had the same reaction as Anne in actually feeling more fear of her abusive boyfriend than of an actual murderous entity.  As to the scene settings, the back and forth between 1965 and present day is also seamlessly presented, hinting at, although never giving away the ending. The time hops here are so well done and add to the eerie complexity of the story. I will admit it took me a good deal of reading and thought to understand what I considered one of the biggest puzzles:  the identity of the “mysteryâ€� woman who was killed and never identified.  Kudos on the complex element of that also.

I truly could find no areas where I can provide any thoughts on improvement.  You have a very polished and well thought out piece of work here.  Although I don’t consider myself a huge horror or thriller fan, I have to say this one is among my all time favorite scripts and IMO a showpiece of brilliant work.  

Thank you for the pleasure of reading “Ashesâ€�.  You are a true talent - but then anyone here who has read your work is already aware of that fact.

I do hope that this falls into the right hands.  You have written one heck of a thriller here. I wish you much, much luck with it.

Best always,

Kathy

Kathy,

Wow. You left me speechless. Isn't that just the kind of reaction we're all chasing with every script we write. Thank you so much for taking the time to read...twice. I very much appreciate it. I'm so glad you enjoyed the script. And, even more pleased to hear your feelings regarding Anne's reaction (and your own!) to both her boyfriend and the killer. That was exactly what I hoped to accomplish with those relationships.

Again...I'm so pumped to read your take. It's rocket fuel for more writing.

Paul

Dear Paul,
what a riveting read. It should be read by everyone who signs up on here.
It's said that blockbusters state their thesis by page 5. Upon page five FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) "Make all this worth something. Give it purpose."
The action and movement within the work is dynamic; the control shown in the time blended sequences clearly rendered. Percy - rapidly in my minds eye, became the soft lilting voice of Vincent Price.
This is bloody marvellous. (No pun intended)
The merest, slightest, nidge for me was, when threatened by Percy, Brax exits meekly. He's too stupid to do that IMHO.
It's slightly spooky that I've read two back to back SPs featuring "imaginary beings" and not having a motif (the necklace) to grasp - I'll keep me hand on me haa'penny!  All best - JtF

Hey all, my review of this script is up over on the “Blog Home� page. TY Don and Libby for indulging my “long form� review. 😊.

I truly believe this script is highly marketable and is destined to go somewhere. At 96 pages it is not an onerous read and well worth your time, so please take a look. You can thank me later. 😊

Congrats, Paul on producing a well written and unforgettable thriller script!

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Don's edit: read the review here.

Kathy - great call reviewing this one, big thumbs up! Well done.

Can only echoes Kathy's thoughts - Ashes is an enthralling read from start to finish.  Or to put it another way--
I’d have a lotta fun seeing it adapted for the screen – just saying

So easy to read, too - it flew past.

PK - While I had some reservations about Percy’s character and actions in the previous read, this time he made more sense to me. He’s a unique individual, perhaps not seeking redemption, but rather an answer or closure.

If I could force you to change one thing - Anne calling Brax when the teens arrive at the house. Cannot get my head around that. Surely, he's the last person she is gonna wanna call?

Other than that, totally awesome. Love it.

Quoted from ColinS Kathy - great call reviewing this one, big thumbs up! Well done. Can only echoes Kathy's thoughts - Ashes is an enthralling read from start to finish.  Or to put it another way-- I’d have a lotta fun seeing it adapted for the screen – just saying So easy to read, too - it flew past. PK - While I had some reservations about Percy’s character and actions in the previous read, this time he made more sense to me. He’s a unique individual, perhaps not seeking redemption, but rather an answer or closure. If I could force you to change one thing - Anne calling Brax when the teens arrive at the house. Cannot get my head around that. Surely, he's the last person she is gonna wanna call? Other than that, totally awesome. Love it.

Colin, I'm glad the review caught your eye and led you to read the script - that was my intent.  I'm certainly not a professional reviewer but I did hope to get some eyes on this for Paul.  Writing a review is a daunting task but well worth the effort for a well written piece such as this.   As to your comment about Anne phoning Brax, not to step on the toes of the writer, but I think his intent was to show the absolute dysfunction in an abusive relationship - maybe Paul will come on and give his point of view on that - but that was my takeaway.

Kathy and Colin,

Thanks, once more, for all the comments and for helping this script get more eyes on.

Colin, your notes definitely helped me improve the script.

Re: Anne phoning Brax. Kathy is correct in her take.

Two things of note regarding abusive relationships...1. Abusers attempt to isolate their partners. Brax has been successful in doing this. Anne has no one else in her life. When she's scared, she calls the only person she can think of. Maybe even the only person remaining in her contact list  2. This entire script is built around that singular idea: sometimes we're drawn to people that are bad for us. In fact, my goal as a writer for this script was to have the audience rooting for Percy, despite knowing exactly who he is. I wanted the audience to kind of question themselves at the end...having been drawn to Percy in the same way victims are drawn to abusers.

Part of what's happening in the moment...I want to show, just a little bit, the difficulty in STAYING out of the relationship once the victim has left the abuser. In just one moment of weakness, she's signaled to Brax that he's needed.

I'm actually kind of pleased at your reaction to the moment. It's exactly what people outside of those relationships think about things from the outside..."Why would she DO that!?" Because...you would never stay with an abuser, right? Yet, many women do, for so many reasons.

Anyway...too long an answer, sorry.

You definitely have me thinking...those parts of the script will probably get more attention as I go forward.

Best,
Paul

Paul, your 1st 5 pages are excellent.  Top notch writing.  Seriously.

I was held by what was taking place and your writing took me right there with Percy.

Seriously impressive, as I couldn't even really think about anything other than what you were showing me.

I'll have to finish when I have some time.

Quoted from Dreamscale Paul, your 1st 5 pages are excellent.  Top notch writing.  Seriously. I was held by what was taking place and your writing took me right there with Percy. Seriously impressive, as I couldn't even really think about anything other than what you were showing me. I'll have to finish when I have some time.

Thank you! I'll be curious to see if it holds your interest from there. If not, tell me where I lose you. That's always valuable information.

Quoted from PKCardinal Thank you! I'll be curious to see if it holds your interest from there. If not, tell me where I lose you. That's always valuable information.

I definitely will.