Snowbit by Lesolest deLalave - A girl leaves a party one night.  Short, Horror

Interesting read.  Very detailed and good use of imagery. I didn't quite get the twist at the ending. I could visualize what you were going for but in the context of the what happened to the characters, it didn't quite fit. Not sure what snow and an open mouth had to do with each other.

Hmm, some unusual, or rather lacking sluglines make this start awkwardley for me and I have no real idea of the environment we're opening into, though I get it's snowy.

Onto page two and this is reading more like a short story than a script, some of the language choices and unfilmables make me wonder if that's what we really have here.

Okay, so I think there's a decent premise here, reminded me a little of King's The Raft for some reason.

But, as mentioned, this isn't really a script, and there isn't an obvious twist here for me, as revealing the snow is acidic doesn't really work as a twist - imho of course.

As a short story I thought it was well written with a good setup though.

I hate writing synopsis'.  I seriously do.  Your synopsis isn't going to win any awards that you'd be proud to show off.

Opening is quite odd.  Hmmm, sorry, I mean extremely odd.

OK, so it appears this isn't actually a script at all.  formatting doesn't seem to even exist,  No character intros, strange generic names given, very strange action/description lines.

And then we have something utterly from very far left field.  A giant woman eating the entire scene?  Is that right?  I'm not sure how I should be visualizing this.  I really don't want to visualize this.

You seem to be a prose writer, and that's cool.  This is not a script, however.

Thanks for sharing your visions.

Dear Writer,
my take on you "original" formatting was to read this like the beats of ever exaggerating other worldliness. Scene slugs would have taken you over the page limit. There was some talk a while back about an abyss and snow snakes - I wondered if they were behind this soft snowy slaughter - but then the reveal. It is fantastical but it is a twist.
I would have called this "Down the hatch!"  Best --

Writer....

I give you props for writing something that is quite visual and without much dialogue. This type of writing feels very hard to accomplish. You did it. Nice work.

Then... there is the lack of character names. It is hard to connect with the character if you don't know much about them. Give them a name. It makes it much for personal and with real stakes.

I am also with others in the thought that I understand you had a twist at the end and did not really get it.

Anyway, good work and entry.

Spoilers

Gross.  In a good way.

This scene was griping. (ha ha) -> ...locking eyes -- safe with me.

The twist was subtle.  "The snow....  is acid..."

The "pull back to reveal" and the "crane over the house" would normally take me out of the story and I'd complain that I don't want to read a shooting script.  I want to read a story.  But in this instance, it didn't. I was pretty horrified all the way through. I thought this was a tight story well told.  

- Don

In this instance,

No int. or ext. is a bit confusing right out of the gate. Is it day or night? A college party seems to imply night? This reminds me of how I wrote my earliest scripts. "In the house..." "In the store..."

Dress shoes? Sneakers? Dancing shoes? Bowling? Slippers? Moccasins?

When I saw THUMP in all caps, my mind went... somewhere else.

I was wondering what/where the twist was. I was thinking acid snow or something. Now I get your choice of slugs.

There's some good writing here, but I didn't quite get it... even before the twist. And I noticed you never named any of the characters. It was kind of hard to root for anybody other than Sorority Girl. My energy crashed while reading, but that's me, not you. Maybe I need to re-read it.

Congrats on entering.

scary. it's written in a very interesting way. i don't understand why people say it isn't a script.

people are gonna ding you for formatting this like nightcrawler (which is like 20 years old -- is that not an accepted way of formatting scripts by now ?) but to me entries in a challenge like this are meant to be read, first and foremost, and you put care into crafting a good (albeit unpleasant) reading experience.

I guess when you're out of twist ideas you can just throw in some lovecraft shit. but it worked for me, honestly, although that ending stands out as markedly less deliberate than the rest. possibly chaotic in a way that betrays the control of the rest -- basically having the worst possible outcome spiral out of a relatively simple set up. but maybe I'm misunderstanding the intent here, and maybe there is a meaning to it that you could expound upon a little more without just spelling it out ?

Quoted from Don The twist was subtle.  "The snow....  is acid..."

don might be onto something here. again, not sure what it all means but cool visuals either way

Enough said already about the formatting, so I'll skip to the story. I really do like the premise of acid snow. Every decade has its sensationalized fear mongering (i.e., over population, climate change, acid rain, Trump), so why not acid rain? Cool concept. Work on it.

The giantess? Maybe it was a severe case of cotton mouth acidosis.

This entire script could be condensed into a single passage that describes people, and the environment, being melted/consumed by a leviathan entity.

Very expressive, you have a knack for descriptors, however, this appears more of a snippet from an Anime novel (Gantz: O comes to mind cause of the surreal characters) as opposed to a screenplay.

Mind you, my first screenplay/OWC had a similar vibe, wherein I described in graphic detail an unseen entity moving through a frozen wasteland, so… been there done that, got me ripped a new one for that from the other members, but it was the best advice I received back then, cause it made me change my approach to storytelling and script formatting for the next round, which was better received.

Keep at it, there’s talent here, best of luck.

Well thats nuts

Evil burning snow, all held within the mouth of a giant woman … everyday story then

I like the idea of the burning snow, but it could do with more build up (for me) and dynamic as they fight to save themselves.

Interesting idea to work upon

I have to say I couldn’t quite figure out what in the heck was going on here and initially thought it was some sort of fever dream description. Someone else’s comment equating the “snow� as cocaine brought sat least some clarity - if that was indeed the intent. As a plus, the descriptive writing is very good on this one. You tell a visual story with minimal dialogue which is a difficult task. Thanks for entry and the interesting read!

Hey writer,

A script with barely any dialogue is always a challenge, but it creates a strong visual narrative — and that’s cool. That said, I feel this is one of those pieces that would work better on screen than it does on paper.

The main reason I say that is because the script felt overly descriptive on paper — there was a lot of detailed action for moments that seemed minor to the story. It made the pacing feel a bit weighed down, even though the visual style has real potential on screen.

The actual concept is really cool - and I think I would have a blast on screen. If only it could have been tighter on paper.

I couldn't get my head around the gigantic women at the end.

Evil snow is badass though