Good Try, We Don't LIke It. by Chris Rhives (Ziggy_W) - Short, Comedy - A short film about love and loss in High School. Sort of my dogma on love and what not. - html, format

Thanks Don. This is a condensed draft of script I'm going to try to film this summer.
I'm working on another draft of this with Bruce Snyder.

Reading this now..

1) The whole jerkey thing makes me laugh. i like how you started this. +20
2) I dont know if i read right but i didnt get the whole thing with jerry and steve -10
3) The convo between jerry and may seem believeable. Actually all of the convo's so far seem believeable good job +15 points
4) I love EVP's. you got me to give u bonus points woot woot +20

Okay im done reading. it was interesting yes. but it kinda bored me. add some more exciting things to this. it would be much much better

PLOT: 10/20
EVENTS 15/20
CHARACTERS- 20/20
DIALOUGE- 20/20
DID I LIKE IT- 15/20

BONUS
     55/80

OVERALL
       135 /180   75% C

I liked it but there need to be more 'spark' to it.

Thanks for the review.  This is kind of a condensed version of the story. There's a lot more that's being added.

The title comes from a quote of a "Strokes" song and the whole deal with Leon not eating donuts is actuallty a reference to the fact I saw the fly when I was around 9 or 10 and haven't eaten a donut since.

The thing about Leon persumably being gay and them finding "Pretty in Pink" in his room is another thing that happened to me. Granted, I'm straight, not that it matters either way. The gay thing comes from me asking a friend who was more likely to be gay, me or a another friend, she said I was. Haha. Of course then we went to watch some TV in my room and they found the "Pretty in Pink" video, so I guess that was pretty damning to my case. haha.

Well, you've convinced me.

A guy contacted me today, claiming he wanted to adapt a feature length version of this for an indie. I'm not sure how legit he is, and either way I declined the offer simply because this already is in pre-production and I've put about two years into developing the script, you know. I already have a good amount of the budget saved up.  Still I'm happy that someone was willing to use my script, and at least if they're not legit then at least thought it was good enough to try to rip off.

I'm aiming for a summer 2006 filming schedule, though I'll have to see how the script comes out and how much of the budget I have. I dunno, either way it'll probably be a small indie, you know. Something along  the lines of "Clerks" sans the "Jay and Silent Bob".

A longer version of this script should be posted by the end of this year.

That was fast, somebody contacts you a couple days later and you're already deciding to adapt it. Why not just write it full length to begin with? It's not like you need to post every short that you plan to film.

Actually I'm planning to film this next summer. I declined the guy's offer that he could use the script, though. This is just a small sample of the script.

I have no idea what you were trying to do with this, Zig.  It's like you came up with a bunch of short scenes in your head and typed them together.  There's no flow or story to follow.


Phil

I know I need work out the story, this really is more of just a sample that's placed together. The longer draft does in fact go more in depth. Right now, to me at least, this is more like Peluca.
There are more characters to be addead and the plots are going to fleshed out, too, so far this sample has been getting pretty positive reviews though I do agree it is kind of random.

Hmmmmmmmm, I don't quite know what to say here Chris. I liked it, I did, but where was it all going? I mean, its very short for a short, lol! I think your dialogue is great, has been in all that I've read so far, but I don't see what the point of it all is, really.

I see the randomness of it all, like in a Kevin Smith 'Clerks' meets Quentin T in a 'Four rooms' kind of way, but you don't make it clear with a central storyline and this is why it's weak as it is.

Will the relationship break up properly? Will we see Leon try harder to pursue May? Will Jerry fight Leon? Even if he does, he doesn't seem too into her or bothered generally. It's sort of like an overall 'whatever' attitude in this piece and well, I think it needs more interest in itself, to keep us interested, if you know what I mean.

The jerky was funny, and I liked the way you went straight into the interview, but it seemed to have no relevance to anything later on. A great little scene, but each one should serve purpose or at least tie in, in my opinion that is.

I'd like to see this developed more and I think it's really important to have a strong plot line worked out!!

I still think you're very talented, just needs some more work, that's all.

Andy  

Yeah, this is actually coming along well, I'm talking to my school about renting out a camera, and hopefully filming this next summer. At least that's my goal, you know.

I don't like the name, there should also be a comma after GOOD TRY, sounds like 2 words and together at least for me it doesn't work.

Also I think that it's lazy for you to send a script in and leave it all (Meaning the title) lower case, looks rushed.

I liked the conversations/dialogue. I dont really understand the scene with Steve in the milkshake costume... why is that in there? But anyways, I really liked it, but like someone else said there is no real flow to it. But good job.

Thanks, yeah I agree there is no flow, I'm working on that.