Trenches by Erik Lindstrom - Short, World War II - Two U.S. soldiers are hunkered down in a trench in the last days of World War I, minutes before an impending German attack. - doc, format

okaay, I knd of enjoyed this script although I have a few issues with it.

SPOILERS BELOW!







Quote:

"HICKS’ eyes tell the story of a soldier who has seen it all: a friend blown to bits by a German hand grenade and others killed by poison gas.

Still, ever the optimist, HICKS refuses to give up the good fight."

The viewer can't tell this from a close up of his face. You can't reveal information like this through scene description. We find out about the hand grenade through dialogue later on but nothing about poison gas.

You use a lot of camera direction which made it an awkward read. Unless this is a shooting script it's unnecessary.

On the plus side, the dialogue is very good and sounds authentic. One or two of the monologues are a little long and could be broken up by more description.

The ending is quite abrupt but I like the imagery of the photo being trampled into the mud. I think this would be better if it was a little longer, allowing more time to identify with the characters. The characterization was pretty good but I felt I needed more for the ending to have a stronger impact.

Overall, I liked it but it seems like an early draft. After a rewrite and possibly making it longer I think this could be an engaging short. Good work.