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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Addiction Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 16th, 2005, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Addiction by Gregory J. Baldwin (Greg) - Comedy, Internet Period Piece - Buddysearch.com is the nation's social networking obsession - until a dorky teen stumbles over the webmaster's evil intentions. 41 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 5th, 2011, 8:35pm
revised script
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bert
Posted: June 16th, 2005, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Um...it may be a small problem, but friendfinder.com actually exists, man.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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greg
Posted: June 16th, 2005, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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Damn, so it is.  That's the first note for a revision.


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greg
Posted: June 16th, 2005, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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Friendzone or Buddysearch...virtually everything else related is taken.


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Old Time Wesley
Posted: June 16th, 2005, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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Buddysearch would work well with the comedy feel I think, especially with your synopsis.


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Alan_Holman
Posted: June 17th, 2005, 1:59am Report to Moderator
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Just use it.  If it exists, learn about it and come up with a plot that subverts/promotes them.  Why not, eh?
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greg
Posted: June 17th, 2005, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I'll have to either do some serious reconstruction or think up a clever name.  Cause really, in the end the story doesn't support the website.  I didn't realize there were so many online friend websites, yeesh  


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Martin
Posted: June 20th, 2005, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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I had a read of this yesterday and it was quick and easy read. I found it pretty funny at times, the pacing was good, as was the structure. The character's were likeable and i liked the way you build up a buzz around friendfinder. "You can view profiles and leave comments!" etc lol

This is a lighthearted comedy and an entertaining read. There's not much that sets it apart from other movies in the genre but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I can't really suggest areas for improvement (except changing the website name) since it's a pretty tight script that achieves what it set out to do.

Overall, an fun read- good job!
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bert
Posted: June 23rd, 2005, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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I found the evil webmaster to be the most intriguing character by far, and was more than a little amused by the fact that his name was "Don".

Was that coincidence?


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greg
Posted: June 23rd, 2005, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Completely random!  Don just happened to be the name that I chose.  I use it in at some point in many of other screenplays as well.  So yes, it was a coincidence.



Revision History (1 edits)
greg  -  June 23rd, 2005, 8:54pm
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bert
Posted: June 23rd, 2005, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I enjoyed this, but the two male leads were hard to separate based upon the dialogue alone.  They spoke alike, you know, and I sometimes got confused as to who was who.  But I always knew when I was listening to the nerd.  

And I enjoyed the spiral into addiction; it seemed allegorical, and it may be an angle to pursue should you choose to expand this (it's kinda' short) at some point.

The formatting was good, and this was refreshingly free of typographical errors


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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  June 23rd, 2005, 9:10pm
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greg
Posted: June 23rd, 2005, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you!  All feedback is greatly appreciated!  Sometime in the future I plan to submit a revised version with, above all else, the new website name.


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greg
Posted: July 10th, 2005, 12:57am Report to Moderator
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A revised version is currently in the works but I'm curious as to what additional sequences I should add.  Any ideas would be helpful.


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Martin
Posted: July 11th, 2005, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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play on the whole internet geek thing.

maybe one of them downloads a virus, or cant log on to see how many comments he has. Maybe the website goes under maintanance and nobody can log on, causing a riot in the school.

SPOILERS




The character at the end, i forget his name, the boring one who makes the speech. You should introduce him earlier, develop him better. He's the one who saves the day after all.
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Higgonaitor
Posted: October 27th, 2005, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it, but I think you could make it so much better, but it needs to be longer.

anyway, heres some notes I took while reading it:

I liked the gag about how illegaly downloading music is actually sharing.

Some of your dialogue could use some work, it doesnt seem to be thing that your chracters might say.

you use a lot of exclamation point and it gets kind of annoying.

I like how realistic the addiction is, how it's only a slight exaggeration of te truth.

of my own curiosity what does the erm "ECU" mean?  Ive never heard this before, and it looks like something I could use.

Ben is a good character, and if I were you I would make him the main character.  I would actually have everyone become obsessed but ben and brian ( who is the funniest character in this entire thing) team up to stop danny an don.  Id have don get alot farther too, like a plan that gets stopped at the last second by brians boring rant.  It would make it a lot longer, but I think it would be a really great read.

When danny drags ben out of burger king, you describe ben as "resilient"  which means able to bounce back.  I think you meant to describe him as resistant.

you mention that brooke goes more insane than derek, but you mentoin derek going insane after brooke, which is confusing.

you randomly capitolized the verb PACK any reason I missed?

anyway, I kind of liked this, but I think if you took it just a bit bigger, it would be so much better.


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