Shaking The Zipper :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Okay, I felt bad about dissing Cold Feet so I thought I'd give you another chance with this one.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

Overall, I was very impressed with this script. I think you did a great job with the characters, I felt like I knew all of them by the end. Each had their individual personalities and they remained consistent throughout. This is a very dialogue-driven piece and the dialogue is excellent. It all flows very naturally making this ia quick and enjoyable read.

I think the main reason I liked it is that there's so much I could relate to from personal experience. You seem to capture the memories of high school perfectly. Did everyone have a "View" when they were at school? That was exactly what me and my friends used to do in the summer.

I thought Jason was a funny character, I felt I could relate to Matt and Neil. Leroy offered some light relief and you did a great job with Chantal. One of my favourite scenes is where she and Neil are talking over breakfast. I really thought they were going to hit it off so I felt bad for Neil when she slept with Mike.

The script is very funny in place, particularly scenes with Jason. I also like the Leroy-Sarah subplot. I laughed out loud when we she told him what films she'd been in. Great stuff. This is more than a comedy though, it's actually a quite touching movie in places which gives it an extra layer of depth.

A few problems I had.

The opening monologue is almost two pages long. The dialogue is good but it's very off-putting seeing a block of dialogue that big. You could at least break it up with some action.

"Both Mike and the dead man are very young" - this is really vague. At this point I had no idea how to picture these two.

As I said, the dialogue is excellent so I think it's your description that needs the most work. There's a lot of "we see" and "we hear", "camera does this and that. If you could remove all of this camera direction it would make for much tighter script.

I liked the ending, and 1979 is a great song that seems to fit perfectly. But, as a general rule, you shouldn't use licensed music in a spec script. At the end it says written and directed by you. Is this going into production? If so, that brings me to another point. I love the funeral/reunion idea but you say there are around 2000 people there. That's a hell of a lot of extras and a major production headache.

There are a few typos and misplaced words that the spellchecker may have missed. I didn't take notes when I read but it'd be worth going through and fishing these out.

Overall, I thought this was great. The dialogue is excellent and all the characters are full realised and likeable. And not a desecrated corpse in sight. Good work!