Talent by Impulse - Short - Janis Beatrice, one of many, goes to a talent agency to make her dreams come true. - html, format

Hi, Impulse.  I was wondering when you would get your feet wet on these boards and thought I would take first crack at this.

Your format is right on, and the dialogue is sharp.  Your descriptions have a nice, snide edge to them that I enjoyed, and it was appropriate for the piece, too.  As far as the mechanics go, there is very little to quibble with here.

(spoiler section)

It was pretty short, though, so we really did not get much of a feel for these characters.  A little more introduction up front might help us understand WHY Janis was so shocked at the offer.  What did she expect?  What kind of a person is she?  Those type of questions need to be answered to put some real weight behind the payoff for this scene.

Standing alone, this piece feels like a scene from some larger story -- perhaps a story depicting the ongoing struggles for young Janis.  Or perhaps a longer story where Janis DOES accept the role...

But it also shows you can do this, Impulse.  It is "just a scene", but it is also a good, well-written scene.  Really.  Give us something a little more fleshed out next time.

I thought this was nicely written.  Not all stories have to be full length with a beginning, middle and end.  A short is meant to be just that, a short.  There was a story here and it was good.  

My only problem with it is that you improperly describe some things in your descriptions.  Two examples of this include describing Janice as 'lucky' at the very beginning.  How do we see her as being lucky?

A little bit later, you write that Thomas' clients are doing well for themselves.  How do we know that?

Scriptwriting is a visual medium.  You don't tell you that someone is feeling a certain way; you show is that they are feeling a certain way.  How would the camera film Janice feeling Lucky?

Something to work on....


Phil

Wow! I'm so glad you two saw some potential in this. You're right, Phil, my descriptions are kind of, well, not descriptive. When I wrote the "Lucky" comment, it wasn't that she was feeling lucky, just that she was called first among a packed crowd of other people. That is, until later when we find out that Thomas was going down in alphabetical order. Now that I think about it, I shouldn't have wrote it that way.

Bert! Thanks for the kind words, I was worried one of my first scripts was going to get tanked. But I'll try to flesh things out a bit more next time anyway.

Hi Impulse. Just finished reading your work. It was a fast read and I think it was well written. I gave me the feeling of being just a scene of a larger story, but like Bert said, this scene was very well written.

There are some non-visual bits which were already pointed out by dogglebe. Working on that, will improve this.

I would only add a suggestion about writing your character´s age. Instead of:

"The lucky lady, JANIS, stands. No older than twenty-five..."

You could write:

"The lucky lady, JANIS (25), stands."

Of course, the way you wrote it isn´t "wrong". I´m just pointing out the way in that character´s age are written usually. As you can see, you save some space in this way, which contributes to a faster read.

Looking forward to reading something else of you. Good luck.

Nicely written story.

I think you could develop a backstory for Janis, even if it's only a page long.  Maybe you could have her looking through a newspaper, and her eyes meet with an advertisement for an acting job.  Something to think about.  Eh, what do I know?  I'm just a kid.

I enjoyed this story, and I didn't expect the industry to be what it was.  I like the way you make Janis deal with the situation.  It seemed believable and appropriate.

Thanks, Sham. Maybe I'll rewrite it with that newspaper thing, that was a good idea. Yeah, I'm a kid too. Thanks for the read. I love your avatar "Badger badger badger badger SNAKE!" I think that's where you got it.

Just finished reading this. (Returning the favor)

I loved your desriptions. I thought all of them were perfectly written and just right. You had someone funny lines with the conversation between Janis and Thomas. Great dialouge for both of them and great written.

Haha. You had me laughing for a good amount of time while thinking of the script. Great job and i hope to see more from you.

Thanks, Andrew. I really appreciate the favor and your review!

No problem.
My turn, you should check out my series Libery City

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

I gave your short a read and I thought it was well done. It is a short, as Phil had mentioned, and as such, it doesn't require the extremity of characterization of a feature. I thought Thomas was well-done as the fast talking salesman of the agency and Janis' nervousness was also conveyed well. Another idea as to how to give her a little more character is to extend the interview just a little bit, so we can get an idea of who she is. It isn't terribly visual, but it keeps the script inside the one office instead of adding another location.

As for Bert's comment at her being shocked and what she expected, the offer came as a surprise to me as well. I think this part could be played out a little more, such as his promises to make her a star and her indecision as to whether she should make her start this way and have some money for rent, or keep her dignity and walk out empty-handed. He could bait her by dropping names of stars that started in this industry, etc. He could also lead into this final offer with pointed and odd personal questions like "are you a virgin?", "do you regularly attend church?" and things of that nature.

Overall, I found it very tight and intriguing. You have some potential here. Good job.

Well, I took all your reviews into consideration (and I mean, all of them) and rewrote Talent. So, if you want to, you can read the revised draft when Don updates again. I tried to make it more visual, but I really didn't know how when it's really just an unsettling conversation. But I tried. Thanks for the reviews, I think I wrote it a whole lot better.