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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Idle Hands Moderators: bert
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  Author    Idle Hands  (currently 2437 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2005, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Idle Hands by Joseph Cahill - Drama - The true story of a young boy struggling with poverty in a small midwest town. His only real problem may be killing his step-mother. 101 pages - doc, format


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Don  -  May 31st, 2006, 8:55pm
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Kyle V.
Posted: August 15th, 2005, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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I would suggest changing the title of the film since there is already a movie called Idle Hands. It would confuse people...


I used to wear Spiderman PJ's to bed every night, then I woke up one morning and said to myself "Self, your to old for this spiderman bull." So I went to target the next day and picked up some Wolverine PJs cause man, that guy stabs people. C. Walken
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jcahill
Posted: August 16th, 2005, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Kyle V.,
I looked on IMDB and by golly, you're right. Never knew that. There are actually three movies with the title...I guess I'll have to change it eventually. I don't know the etiquette on something like duplicating the title of a produced movie(even though the premise is completely different). Thanks, though.

J
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jcahill
Posted: September 14th, 2005, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Below is a review given by NIXON(Zavier). The review swap is a great forum for getting your script read and reviewed...thanks Zavier.



Review of Idle Hands


Overall Impression - This is a real solid piece of work; I really liked the concept.

Characters ? The characters are very well defined and intriguing. I enjoyed the family's interaction with one another. Great dialogue between the family members. Example:

     JEFF
    (matter-of-factly)
We got evicted again. The manager said we were trying to steal tires from one of the cars in the parking lot last night.

Jeff leaves.

    JOE
    (getting up)
You gotta be kiddin? me --

Joe hurries up and hops down from the bunk. He still wears his clothes from early morning.

    EDDIE CAHLL (OS)
How the hell?sa ten-year old gonna steal tires? He can?t even git the lug nuts off.

.
Story/ Originality - Based on a true story. The story of a child trying to get his parents back together has been told several times and in several different ways but this is new and original. Good stuff.

Quality of Writing ? Descriptions were great, from the characters to the locations; I had a clear picture of what everything looked like in my mind. Example:

?The ?Price is Right? plays on the television as Linda sits in her spot on the sofa still wearing her dingy robe. Holding a paperback book in one hand she takes a drink from her white, plastic cup in the other.

She sets the cup down on the coffee table. A few generic pill bottles take up space on the table.?


Scene Structure/Description ? Try not to write things the camera can?t show, I noticed a lot of this. Example:

?Eddie sits there without responding. He?s heard it all before.?

?Joe realizes no response he can give will be adequate.?  

Dialogue - For the most part was excellent. Each character sounded believable and their dialogue enhanced the story. This was my favorite line, very creepy but entertaining:

?Ya know, my uncle said if you ever wanted to kill anybody you just feed the body to hogs -- said they eat everything -- bones and everything. No evidence.?

Overall really good, you described the characters and locations in a way that kept me interested. Just try not to write actions the camera can?t show and you?ll have a fantastic script here.

-Zavier
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 15th, 2005, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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Just a word about titles. They cannot be copyright registered. Anyone can legally use the title. It's just general protocol to avoid it. However, many common phrases and expressions such as “idle hands” inevitably get recycled over and over again. You can keep the title as long as the story is different from any of the other movies, unless you just want to have a more original title.

It should be noted that some major studios in the past have sued for Copyright infringement over similarities in titles despite this fact. Producers, etc., who do not have the money to fight these large companies often end up on the losing end.

breanne


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Heretic
Posted: September 18th, 2005, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Your dialogue is really really good.  You instantly create a great rapport between the boys, and the reader feels an instant familiarity with their life and surroundings.  I thought that the dialogue was spot on, and as a result, each individual scene was quite excellent.

The problem with this script is the lack of a fundamental base, a certain simple three act rise and fall.  There is a main thrust to the story, and I could see how this could easily work, but I think this needs a major reworking to assemble the various excellent scenes into a single flowing story.  

Now that's not to say that you need to rewrite most of the script.  I like the idea of showing his entire life, and how everything in his life led exactly up to that point.  The problem is, it's hard to see, thematically, the direct effect that many scenes had on the final outcome.  The script is a series of vignettes, which is fine, but they need to be cohesive enough to support the main story.

I think that the idea of killing Linda is introduced to soon and goes down too easily.  That first act should be a build, where we really get to know the family, understand their underlying dynamics, see how each family member feels about everyone else.  As it is, your dialogue is excellent, and I think that I can really see how well you know your characters.  I think you know them so well, in fact, that you've forgotten to explain them to us.  

The relationship between Todd and the two blood brothers is never really explored to any great degree.  Sibling rivalry is introduced early on and then forgotten; Todd's jealousy of the boys staying with Wilma is mentioned but ultimately has no effect on the story.  I want to really be able to see inside these characters, to understand what makes them tick.

You've got a lot of typos, especially putting apostrophes where there should not be.  I know it's a pain, but if you get the chance, you should clean it up.

Structurally, is the three year jump really necessary?  It seems to make the final scenes less impactful, because the audience will be feeling like they've just missed three years of the characters lives, and don't know them as well any more.  

I just think that you need to spend a lot more time really building up this idea of killing her, about what he has to gain and lose, about what could happen if he does, and what could happen if he doesn't.  

I think that your description leaves a lot to be desired.  Not in that it doesn't get the point across -- it does, but rather that it gets a little ho-hum sometimes.  I think you should really look at what you should say and what you should not, and try to make that description as snappy as possible.  

I also felt that you were hurrying through the description to get to the dialogue, which is something that you're quite good at.  You can't do that.  I'd suggest taking a serious look at the description and making sure that every word of every page is your best work.  

Wilma should either be downplayed or up-played.  For a good half of the script, she's really like that rainbow over the horizon, the thing that'll make everything okay as soon as she gets back together with Eddie.  Then she's introduced and dismissed.  This should have a huge impact on the boys, their dreams shattered, the last hope that they had lost.

All in all, I would just worry about really looking at your basic story, and then working out what scenes support that and what scenes do not.  Is the fisherman scene where they nearly drown necessary?  I don't think so.  Could it be, changed around a bit?  Probably.  Work a little more at gearing all your scenes towards the common theme/story of the movie.

Great job though, you really nailed that dialogue and I certainly did feel for Joe by the end.  Congratulations on finishing a script.  Below are a few random notes, just little things:

Page 2 – You describe Joe when he's ten, rather than describing him the first time we see him, when he's thirteen.  You should probably describe him as soon as we see him – his appearance most likely hasn't changed much in three years.  
You introduce a man as BLACK MAN and then refer to him as MAN #1.  
"Tired of throwing papers anyways..."  I'm sure you're familiar with the idea of not writing what we can't see?
"Just before dawn" is not technically a legitimate time heading, as we cannot see that it is just before dawn.  Just use "Night" and mention that the first rays of light or visible, or so on.
Page 5 – Various problems with description at the bottom of the page, including typos and writing what we can't see.
Page 7 – Personally, I think that the prospect of murder goes down far too easily.  I think it should be a bit more of a taboo thing, slowly being introduced as a real possibility.
Page 13 – "Why does Linda have to live with us?"  Seems like this line comes out of nowhere, not in terms of motivation, just in terms of conversational flow.
Page 16 – Why is Linda shouting about taking his brats with him?  They're gone, and she's said that enough.
Page 19 – You say that he takes the comic book away from the pool, "breaking the tension", but if there was supposed to be tension I don't think it was conveyed very clearly.
Page 22 or so – Really good tension on the first murder attempt. Spot on.
Page 29 – Joe says, "You never have any money."  That's quite the line, and yet Eddie doesn't respond, and you don't even mention his reaction.  
Page 39 – I think the boys would say something to the fisherman about not helping them.  I'd be pissed.
Page 58 – Is the bowel movement really necessary?
Page 83 – Am I the only one who doesn't know what cyanotic means?
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